you know when you've been totally proven wrong about something but for the sake of stubbornness, pride or anger you choose to still believe you're right or justified in whatever it is that you know you've lost the battle about?

kind of like how a teenager insists that they "did clean the bathroom" even after you've clearly inspected and noted that the towel heaped in the corner of the floor this morning is still in the same place and there's still toothpaste spit in the sink...

that's me right now. i may be able to see and know that God is still with us, that He prepared me and is still in control no matter how stupid it seems...but i'm still going to be mad at Him.

i know i'm wrong. i've seen His blessings even in the midst of all of the junk. it's like He's been showing up in more powerful and evident ways for me to notice and remember that He's still here. for lack of a better illustration it's like how bruce and evan were both given signs and gifts and were literally HANDED the tools they need to do God's work...but even though it was all there in front of them, they refused to give in and believe for a while.

i know i should be surrendering and submitting to whatever whacked out purpose He has for this time in life.

i'm just not ready for that yet.

mid-entry revelation

This is going to be "that" entry that follows a weekend of fellowship, laughter, tears and anger. I'm sorry if it's long, but really this is for me at this point.
All weekend at the ladies retreat we were encouraged to write in our journals...I couldn't because I was always somehow stuck without a pen. Maybe it was meant to be that way because God had another purpose for me. But we were supposed to write in our journals...

Things like:
What is your image of God right now?
Tell him what you're feeling. Be honest.
Write down your experiences that have shaped you...good, bad, horrendous, joyful, ugly, beautiful.
Write out all of the labels that have been put onto you, both by yourself and by others.
Write a letter to you from Jesus. What/who does He say you are?

I'm going to write down a few of these things right now. Not all of them, but the things that are sort of swimming around in my brain and heart right now.

My image of God has sort of always been an abusive mother. I'm not at all saying that I ever had an abusive mother to relate Him to so please don't think that. I'm saying that I've seen and read enough horror stories of the perfect looking family who are so well liked and seemingly flawless. But behind closed doors, mom takes out her hidden rage on her daughter. The child doesn't know anything else but hurt and betrayal from the woman who should be caring for her. The woman who, to everyone else, seems to love and care for her daughter unconditionally. The woman whom this child should and DOES put her trust in, because she knows she's supposed to. And because she hopes that someday all of this will stop and mommy will get better and they will live happily ever after.

It's not unknown to many who know me well that I have trust issues. Sometimes I trust too quickly, other times I refuse to be vulnerable and build a wall around myself. And when I see someone who has put their trust in Him and dared to have faith knowing that He longs to give us the desires of our heart, it really does spark admiration and inspiration when I see that He is faithful to bless in return. And when I am terrified to walk in faith but do so anyways, things start to seem like they're falling into place. But then the blessing is torn away. Hearts are broken. Lives and dreams shattered. And I wonder why anyone ever bothers trusting Him if this is all that's going to keep happening?

When someone asks why bad things happen to good people it's so easy to give the cookie cutter Christianese answer. Unless that 'bad stuff' is happening to you or to someone you love. Then the "free will" crap just doesn't cut it anymore...neither the "God vs human-sized brain" theory nor the "grand plan" script.

When the girl leading worship found out that I'd brought my guitar, she asked me to join her on Saturday morning in leading worship. The first song we sang was "Blessed Be Your Name" and even though we ran through the song once just before the official session time started, I didn't really pay much attention the lyrics and wasn't prepared for the semi that was about to bowl me over during the bridge of the song.

"You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Blessed be Your name"

You know what? No. My heart will not choose to say that. Not right now. I do realize that I may need to refrain from walking under trees or wearing metal of any kind, but I'm being honest here. I stopped singing.

And jumping to this morning, I couldn't stand for worship. When I did, I felt similarly to a teen who is forced to do something that their mother says they should because it's rude not to...like "come say hi to your aunt Mabel" and the teen just ignores because they don't really know or care...but finally (after much nagging) comes out with hands in pocket saying "Hi." when really it seems like they're saying "Okay, you happy? I did what you asked. Can I go now?"

...but I couldn't bring myself to sing "I will bless the Lord forever. I will trust Him at all times........You are my shield, my strength..." etc when I REALLY felt like singing "You SHOULD be my shield. Where were you when I needed protection? You SHOULD be my strength but you've knocked me to the ground." and so on.



On a personal note, rather than spiritual...this is NOT how I wanted this internship to end. I was ready to do this while I knew that there was some joy involved. The only reason I stepped out in faith when I "knew better" was because "there was a reason for me being here at this time". And the reason in my head was that one of my best friends was going to be celebrating and starting her life as a mommy for the first time. Maybe when I did agree and say "okay Lord, use me however You need" I should have added "...but only if You, in return, make sure this dream becomes a reality."

Not that it would have made a difference. But I was so looking forward to having a part in carrying forward a great ministry program as my way of celebrating the start of a new family. Well that's not at all what God had in mind.

Speaking of which...here's what both amazes me and pisses me off.
Looking back on my life this past year, it's evident that God has been preparing me for this moment in life. I'm not at all trying to make this about me, but I can't say He's been preparing anyone else because I can really only speak for myself out of my own experience. Even an event as far back - and seemingly unrelated to the situation - as my previous small group falling apart has played a part in how He has prepared me for this very event. It does, on one hand, give me a sense of comfort knowing that He is still in control. But on the other hand, it is BECAUSE He IS in control and HE allowed this to happen is what makes me angry.

I recently read about a mindset labelled as spiritual masochism.
I truly believe now that I'm experiencing spiritual ambivalence.
I have witnessed an undeniable, powerful presence of God in my life that makes me stand in awe and really start to open myself up to the Spirit...but I've also witnessed the horrible results of what seems like betrayal from a Father who claims to love us and wants nothing more than to bless us.

Up until today, I've felt a deep and gut-wrenching sorrow. I've said all weekend that I'm angry but I think that I was only saying it because I felt like I SHOULD be angry. But no, I was not angry. I was still sad...and hurting for my friends who have blessed my life so abundantly.

Today, though. Today I'm angry. I've intentionally refused to stand for Him and refused to praise Him, for I feel today that He is not worthy of my love or respect.

"So are you saying that you pick Kerry over Me?"

Wow. Talk about having truth slapped into me when I'd least expect or accept it.

See what I mean?! I WANT to submit and surrender to Him because of what He's shown me in the past couple of weeks...
But does the loyalty I have for my friends outweight the loyalty I have for my Lord?



Damn.

on my knees...

my experience tells me that when i've fully relied on God, He has blessed and rewarded me with the desires of my heart. i've seen it in my own life and in the lives of others.

someone i love tells me that God is most glorified when we are most satisfied. so the best way for Him to bring glory to Himself is to make us happy.

what if knowing that by having faith and trusting Him in ALL things and DAILY surrendering our lives, we WOULD be blessed in exactly the way we hope? i suppose it might cause us all to do it more in expectation of reciprocity and it wouldn't be genuine.

what if we all had an unwavering faith that he will perform a miracle?
if we just said "please" enough times, could we change His mind?



glorify Yourself.
it would be so simple for You, but would make a world of difference.
glorify Yourself, Lord.
please?

a broken heart...

We said goodbye. Tried her hand at magic.
But we couldn't make us disappear.
Not a day goes by I don't wish I had you.
So run away, I'm glad you're still here.

It's a bitter sweet victory.
Lovin' the ghost in front of me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

I wrote a couple of notes.One in love, one in anger.
They're lying there dying in the dresser drawer.
Lived louder than my voice. Struggled through a stranger.
He loved me until I loved you even more.

It's a bitter sweet victory.
Lovin' someone else who wanted me.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.

You get used to the pain, and numb to the sting
Till you can't feel anything.
You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it.
As if your words were my tears.
Flowing freely, warm and quiet.
From the edges of my eyes and my ears.
Then all that disappears.

Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
Now I can't laugh, can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
What do I gotta do?
What do I gotta do to keep you?
What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me?

"just enough purposelessness is required for a full life"

today i find myself home for my day off...with a stuffy nose and sore throat that i've had since last week. it hasn't really blown up fully but i feel like i've been "starting" to get this cold for way too long and i'm hoping it's actually going to go away before it gets any worse.

i've been doing nothing but watching consecutive episodes of bones for the past 7 hours or so, because i feel like this is more of a sick day than a day off. fluids. medicine. "lots of tv", as my pediatrician used to prescribe for colds.

as i was heading into a dark room to turn on a tv for desperate housewives last night, i instinctively looked down and let my eyes adjust to the darkness before moving forward. i know she's gone but it's hard to break a habit that i've had for 12 years. today when i went to the washroom and left the door open, i realized that this is my first day at home alone since the day after stella died. normally she'd come to visit me while i'm peeing, looking for a scratch and someone to pay attention to her. i can still put my hands at the exact height off of the floor to pet her head.

when i got out of the bathroom, i took a trip to the mantle where the ashes and katherine's sketch of her are. her collar is there now, as well as her leash. the collar still smells like her. that scent of oil and staleness that comes with being a long haired dog in the country, even though mom bathed her only a few days before she died.

i'm finding myself crying again...but not out of regret or from blaming myself this time. it's not because of the shock of changing back to normal life. the cats are comfortably eating on the floor, and i can feed tess for a few days at a time at once if i'm going to be away without worrying that the food will be gone before the hour's up. no, i'm not crying because of any of that.

this time, it's just because i miss her.

when i made a plan to blog about certain areas of my life that have been crazy this year - before i turn 26 - i wanted to avoid writing about the "bad" stuff and concentrate on all the blessings from this year. but i just had to get this out of my system today, i guess. so consider this my one entry about the "bad" stuff of my 25th year.

breakfast for lunch, leftover dinner for breakfast...

Almost a year ago, I was having what I called a 'mid-life crisis' while dreading the impending doom of the big 25. I felt like my life was half over, and that this is about the time I should find myself a mustang and an affair. I wasn't looking forward to whatever it was that 25 years on this planet had to offer me.

Well it's been a crazy year. I'm almost 26 now, which is basically going to be the last time I can say that I'm even in my "mid" twenties. But I'm not feeling so awful about it as I did last year. I think it's because this year has been so dramatic and extreme in regards to major events in my life up to this point.

I decided a few weeks ago that I should write a summary of my 25th year of existence. Mostly because I feel that I have done so much more than merely 'exist'. True that I haven't felt like the hugest success or like I've got a specific purpose, but this has been a year of wonderful and dreadful miscellany and it feels like it's the first time I've actually taken a chance. Lived. Dared to dream. Did something extreme. Felt inspired. Felt at all, in some cases.

So over the next little while I'm gunna mostly be talking about what I've learned this past year. The best way to do that is for me to make a list of all of the life-changing happenings from this year, both good and bad. The neat thing is that I already know that my 'good' list is way longer than my 'bad' one.

So just to get it out of the way, let's start with the 25 year yucks:
- Grandma finds out she has cancer in February
- I get fired for the first time in my life in June
- Stella has to be put down in September
- I begin a serious crisis of calling in regards to my future profession

But more importantly, here are the 25 year 'yay's:
- Ladies Retreat last November; the start of my forgiveness journey
- Kicking habits; having to re-kick a few times
- 5 pregnancies; 2 babies already; 4 more on the way
- Included in above: Brody Roland McKay - my gorgeous and now-6-month-old nephew
- Development of creative projects (OMG, Kesia's wall)
- Discipline Development; prayer life
- Realizing that I don't need to be perfect to be a mentor; walking alongside two girls as teenage life throws them some pretty serious curveballs
- Becoming an honourary Rack Pack member, helping with fundraising and planning for the WE2EBC, and being part of the unexpected perks that just happened to tag along with it (CDJ, Broadcast, Chicks Night Out, etc)
- The Higgins. Discovering new talent; making new friends.
- Great concerts in general - CDJ (Canada Day Jam, not Carolyn Dawn Johnson), Higgins, BMG, Sugarland
- Joining the WE2EBC last minute; intense fundraising; shaving head; being reminded that God is in control of EVERY part of my life
- Executing the WE2EBC; challenging my limitations; changing the way I look at and think about myself.
- A taste of clarity: Boys, boys, boys.
- Internship at Gateway; completely new ministry experiences
- New and wonderful friendships in unexpected people and places (for my own memory - ladies retreat gals, leanne, jocelyn).

This is about all I can think of for now, but I'll probably come back and add a few on here and there. I know that the entire entry is inconsistent in tenses and all that junk but this is just my outline that I plan on working from. So gimme a break. Those of you who would give me a hard time know who you are. :)

So today is Thanksgiving Monday, which is sort of an appropriate day for me to have made a list of everything crazy that's happened this year because I've unexpectedly given myself a chance to be thankful for everything that is on this list. Even the bad stuff. Coz with the bad stuff comes great memories, a sense of hope and the peace that everything has a purpose and even something good comes out of the junk that life has to toss at us sometimes.

I'm sort of glad that I didn't sleep well all night and that, as a result, I woke up too early for a holiday. I was gunna try to force myself back to sleep but I felt like I needed to get up for something. Last night I read back on ALL of my blogs since I started this thing and so this morning I felt inspired to get started on this summary.

So here you have it. For now. Hopefully this means I'll have shorter, more frequent posts rather than the gargantuan ones I've been writing as a result of letting everything build up.

all i need is a full tank of dreams, and You beside me...and somewhere to go...

well, if there were ever any clearer of a confirmation in my life, i think it would be the happenings of tonight.

i'm tempted, at this moment, to slip into self pity and start believing all the crap about myself that i often do...but i've had more than one person tell me lately that i always put myself down so i'm taking a different approach.

i've always wondered why it is that no man has ever fought for me. my initial instinct is to think that i'm simply not worth the fight. but i know i am, and i know that God has a reason and a purpose for everything - even raised hopes that seem to turn up fruitless.

today sort of felt like a bad first date. if i had been put on some sort of reality tv dating show, many of the circumstances that might pop up in the thought bubbles and random information would all show red flags all over the place. i was willing to look at it and call it the first date jitters, and give it a little more time to feel more natural.

but instead, the general consensus was that we had to work too hard to feel like a potential couple. i mean, i'm not pushing all the blame on everyone but myself because i know that i was a lot less comfortable than i'd normally be in this type of situation...but where i thought just a little more fight might be needed, he feels that although i'm worth fighting for, he just doesn't see himself putting up the fight.

this whole time i've felt like he's putting himself so out of the way, and i guess i thought maybe it meant that he was fighting for me. we've been in this place before where he's wanted to try it and i've resisted...but now i was willing to give it a try because it seemed he was fighting for me.

but he's not willing to fight for me. and i'm not saying that out of bitterness or trying to make him look like the bad guy, coz it's not like that at all. but now that i think about everything tonight, all i can think about is the issue surrounding him not fighting for me.

there are a few things that i've talked to God about, and a few items on my "wish list" in regards to whatever guy He's got for me...there are a few small things that matter a lot more to me than i thought, that i realized tonight. but my one "big rock" item that i've felt really needs to be there is that he has to fight for me. and just because right now, *this* guy is not willing to fight for me, it doesn't make him the bad guy. it just is, i think, God's way of making His will clear to me at this point in my life. i asked for clarity, and i got it straight on and unsweetened...which i'm grateful for, in a way.

kinda sucks, because i wanted this to work out and the fact that we've both come back to this "us" thing so many times over the past few years sort of had me convinced that perhaps we should be trying to make it work. but if it's not in God's will for now (or maybe ever), then i've gotta trust Him.

kinda feel like a bit of an idiot, though...i was so giddy and excited all week but it sort of turned out feeling like a flop. now i've gotta friggin explain it to everyone who asks me how the weekend went. gah.

...okay, this is me trusting You. what now?

"friend - not fan"

i found out on friday that there was a christmas special being taped for cmt today...and that the higgins were going to be guests on the show...and that there were a few open spots in the audience, so to contact "this person" to reserve seats. i was apparently too late coz i got an email back saying there were no seats left.

so i emailed eileen, asking if the band was allowed to have a "guest list" and if they'd be amazing enough to let a poor schmuck like me get in on this action.

long story short - eileen phones me last night saying we won't know until this morning. she phoned me this morning saying we were in. so dana (a fellow rack packer) and i headed to toronto, getting horribly lost on the way (from brampton...i dunno, don't ask me how).

so we showed up an hour and a half late, but all we'd missed is a bunch of choir shots (an all girls choir. young girls but very good!) and part of tara oram's set. i ran right into eileen as soon as we got into the theatre and said a quick hello before she had to take off backstage.

to make another long story short, we heard a total of four songs in 6 hours...there was lots of repeating the songs to get different camera angles and stuff...make up and hair fixing in between takes, etc. it was a loong day and the only way i stayed sane was from the anticipation of seeing the higgins do their own thing (they sang in another song with the whole cast right after tara's set but i wanted to see them in action).

so anyway...i got lots of pics that i posted on facebook, as well as a bunch of videos from the rehearsals, etc...we hung out a bit at lunchtime and then when their set was done, we waited for them to come out to find out what the plans were for the rest of the night. dana had to go home (and was my ride home...uh oh) but they asked if i wanted to come back to the hotel for dinner and drinks. so i did - and insisted that i'd find my own way home. after all, their hotel was right across from union station so it wouldnt' be that hard.

so we went out for dinner at the epic restaurant in the royal york hotel...a little pricey but the pub we were hoping to go to was closed (go figure - it's sunday). had a great time, lots of laughs and took a bunch of crazy pictures. i got to know them as people and they shared a few stories and ins-and-outs of the music industry. dinner was even paid for by cmt. i'm still blown away at the fact that they thanked me for hanging out with them, and that they considered me more of a friend than a fan.

hanging out with them reminded me why i was so drawn to them in the first place - the fact that they are so real and genuine. they're down to earth and friendly and just want to do what they love. they're human. and they are doing their best not to let it get to their heads. it's admirable.

all in all, it was a great day. i had to skip the run for the cure but i promise i'll walk 5 km on my own sometime in the next week.

next time they're in town, hopefully we can do something like this again but we might take the chance to play some music together if time is on our side. :)

dreams that come true...

it's easy for me to sit down with a kid or a teen and help them understand how much God loves them and has a purpose for them, no matter how un_______ or not _________ they feel. i help them to realize it, and i truly believe it for them. i even show that in my personal prayer life - i do pray for myself but not to any deep levels. i believe that in the lives of my friends and family, God is there and He is active and i truly believe that He will heal them, teach them, and fulfil the desires of their hearts. He's shown Himself to me in the answers to prayer for these people. but i don't see it in my own life. i pray for clarity, for peace, for a sense of significance, and for wisdom. i feel like i don't get it.

but i realized today that i don't feel that because i don't believe it for myself. sure, i pray these things but they're so cut-and-paste and wimpy, lacking in passion and in a way it makes me think that i'm not convincing God that i truly want those things. when i pray for healing for a hospitalized woman, i pray with fire and passion...and i see her get better and back on her feet in ways no one could ever imagine. when i pray for the hope of a miracle where hearts have been broken more than once, i pray with desperation and a longing plea...and one day, God says 'yes'.

i obviously don't take credit for these things - i know that there are many people who have been praying for such things in the lives of so many others and He has answered. and it's so encouraging and it makes me want to celebrate and jump for joy...but mostly it makes me cry (ha, what a surprise).

but the prayers i pray for myself are weak. i wonder if the reason i don't feel fulfilled is because i haven't actually expressed the true desires of my heart with the same fire, passion, and longing the way i have when praying for others.

perhaps i feel selfish by asking for my own satisfaction in life.
perhaps i don't feel like i deserve whatever it is i'd ask for.
perhaps i just don't know if i truly, honestly believe that He'd answer.

in any case, i'm kinda sick of feeling like i don't have a specific purpose in my life that's been made clear for me. i don't necessarily feel or experience God's love the way that i should or want to.

but is it because He isn't dishing it? or is it more because i'm not allowing myself the opportunity to let Him in?

changes. closure?

even in the last five minutes i've noticed more 'stella' things. so for my own sanity's sake, i'm going to list all of the things that she's known for in the house...things that can "go back to normal", but they don't feel anything close to normal.

- ice cubes flying out of the spastic fridge (i lied in the last post - THESE were her favourite treat)...they've gotta just go in the sink before they melt and damage the floor (or someone walking by)
- fern's food dish...it can go on the floor now
- dinner time...fern doesn't have anyone to compete with for table treats...and forget accidentally dropping a veggie...she'll only eat meat.
- night time walking...we don't have to strain in the dark to make sure we don't step on her.
- general sleep quality...eventually, dad and mom won't hear her barking every couple of hours for attention or a trip outside. i never did hear her, but now they'll have the chance to get a full night's sleep
- the bathroom garbage can...used to be hidden behind the toilet paper basket so she couldn't get into it to munch on gross things
- the toilet seat...with bleach in the reservoir, we had to keep the lid shut, since she was always trying to drink out of it (hey, it's a colder water source than her bowl)...i left it open this time.
- things that i should clean and put/give away today: food and water dish, tennis balls, the entire recycling bin of her toys, the bin of food we just bought, the food measuring cup that dad never paid attention to, her lead on the back porch...we haven't had a proper 3/4 measuring cup for years, come to think of it

dad and mike left about 15 minutes ago. i just wanted to beg mike to stay with me. he needed me to be strong and stay with him last night...well today i need him. but i couldn't bring myself to ask him to stay when he just wanted to try to get back to normal life. i sat in the doorway and sobbed, finally letting it completely out for the first time...

i almost want to just go into work to try to distract myself...just to not be alone...but i'll be a total mess and i can't do that to everyone at the church.

if there's one thing i can be sure of right now...it's that i will look back on 2008 as a year of many ups and downs. there have been so many great things, but a couple major crappy ones and i'd like to say it's balanced out right now...but i hate the ambivalence in my heart right now.

i want to be happy and relaxed and feeling like we made the right decision...but i hate that i was there to convince mom that signing those death papers was the best choice for her. i hate that i feel like i tricked her into ignorance with treats while her life was being taken away. i hate that she was having such a good day when we decided she should just go quietly. i feel better that she walked into that room on her own than having to be carried, but it makes me doubt that we did the right thing, despite the doctor's reassurance.

why do i feel singlehandedly responsible for my family's misery today?

i can't take this.

peace at last...

12 years ago, my family decided that we were going to start looking for a family dog. mom was really set on a border collie, since they were known to be well-behaved, easy to train and good with kids. but like most couples with a mortgage, two kids and bills to pay, spending a buttload of money looking for a specific breed wasn't really in the cards.

but one day mom was out front doing some gardening or visiting or taking part in some other 'wisteria lane' type of activities when she mentioned to a neighbour that our family was looking for a border collie. the neighbour said that she had a mother-in-law who had just passed away, and her border collie mix was going to be put down if they couldn't find a home for her. she wasn't a purebred, but it's not like we were going for that anyways.

so one day, as a surprise, dad opened up the truck doors and out came this year-old ball of energy with an attitude. since her previous owner was a little old italian lady, this dog came with the name stella. we all thought it was a stupid name, but we couldn't very well change it when it had been her name for a year or so.

stella would get so excited when someone came home from school or work that she'd "spring a leak" - especially when (specifically) uncle jamie, uncle chris or grandma would come over. she was very happy, but then sometimes extremely temperamental and jumpy. she wasn't the kind of dog you'd want kids to be around for very long. i, myself, have suffered several hand bites but she very well came from a fairly abusive environment, where she was never exposed to men so she was fairly uncomfortable with her surroundings sometimes and her reaction was to snap. it's not a good thing. we were always afraid that one day she'd snap at the wrong person and we'd have to put her down.

then there was thanksgiving sometime in my early high-school years. we were going away to grandpa's cottage for the weekend and decided to just put her in a kennel for the first time. she loved grandpa's but there were going to be so many kids and people that we couldn't trust her to not bite someone just because most people don't know her pet peeves. we were leaving super early so we dropped her off in cayuga the night before, but by morning we got a phonecall saying she'd escaped. and ran away. in the countryside of cayuga. it took weeks for a farmer to find her on his doorstep, looking for garbage or scraps, and when he tried to put her in his truck she bit him and peed on his seats. ha. that's stella for ya.

i was convinced, before i left for new zealand, that if she was still alive by the time i flew out...she'd be gone by the time i came back. but she was still kicking.

she's never been able to play nicely when a toy or ball is involved. we didn't know how to train her to not be possessive, so we could never play fetch with her...until the last couple of years when she started learning that if she brought us her tennis ball in the living room, we'd always toss it into the dining room. she loved this new game, but couldn't play it outside or for too long because she was just getting too old and arthritic to be able to run and jump for long periods of time.

this past week, we noticed that she was falling down the stairs a lot. she has a few times before but we've decided the slippery hardwood flooring was to blame. but it's been happening on almost a daily basis. her back legs were failing completely and it would take her a long time to stand up...once she was up she could take a few steps but then her back end would drop to the floor again. finally, a few nights ago, dad woke up to her wimpering and crying, which is something she NEVER does. i've only heard her wimper whenever she was scratching her neck and got a toenail caught in her fur or collar. but she was apparently just crying all night and since her back legs can't reach her own body to scratch anymore, we knew that it was something bad.

so yesterday, mom made a phonecall. she knew that it was going to be a day of hard decisions. she knew the possibility of euthanasia and didn't know if she should tell mike before or after. she would have to decide to take stella herself, once dad admitted that he couldn't emotionally handle bringing her in. she knew that she would be the one signing the papers to end stella's life if there were no other options.

i went with mom. she was going to go alone and buck it up for her family, but i couldn't let her be alone...and mike and dad would, in no way, be able to handle keeping her company. dad's been the one to take care of the cats in the past when they've been too old or sick to go on, but he just couldn't make this vet trip. i've faced the life-or-death decision of an animal recently (life was possible in that case) - but i've also had to carry the body of my cat back from the highway to my garage. i've also watched enough vet shows and seen enough animals put down on tv that i felt i could best detach from the situation and try to be strong for mom.

the vet suspects that she had a spinal cord disease or injury that was causing her back end to gradually lose control and feeling - hence the constant bladder leak and laboured movement. her reflexes were awful and she actually allowed him to let her stand with her feet turned the wrong way without really noticing or fixing it for a long time. he also noticed after about 15 minutes that a couple of maggots had fallen off of her...turns out that because she couldn't control her bladder, the urine was burning her skin...and she couldn't brush, scratch or clean away any flies that recently starting using her hindquarters as a nest. she was in so much more pain than we thought, and we felt so guilty for not noticing because of her long fur that just never seemed to stay clean anyway. he said that sealed the deal, in his opinion...because he wasn't sure if she could even feel them on her body very well. and if she could, then she was being tortured.

she was having a good day yesterday. she was walking well and getting excited about having mike home. it made the decision really hard because we felt like it wasn't fair to decide to put her down when she could still walk into the vet. but the doctor reassured us that it was what he would do - and what he had to do a month ago because his own dog suffered a spinal cord condition that left him with similar symptoms.

she was very well behaved the whole day. she didn't snap at me once, even when i was having to pick up her back end to help her in and out of the car. she was good with the vet and didn't even get snarly when he was giving her the IV...she walked back into the examination room with a bit of anxiety, knowing something was up but still pleasant. i was feeding her snacks and realizing she hadn't eaten dinner when the doctor started injecting her. she kept eating and eating, happy and clueless when her head dropped into my hands, taking one last nap.

last night was hard. i dropped an ice cube on the floor when pouring drinks for dinner and had to actually pick it up and put it in the sink. i dropped a fry at the table, and almost called her name to come get it. afterwards, mike and i knew we couldn't just go to bed trying to sleep...we had to stay awake distracting ourselves with tv until we literally passed out. at 2 we both went to bed and i watched an episode of will and grace just to be sure i was ready to sleep. on the way up the stairs, i instinctively tread carefully half expecting to almost step on an invisible dog - black in the dark. i fed the cat with her feeding dish on the window ledge, like always, because she would always end up getting bullied out of her own bowl (catfood was stella's favourite treat). i tripped over an orange tennis ball in the living room.

but i dropped and slept all night - until mom came into my room to kiss my forehead goodbye for the day. she doesn't do it often but we've been really trying to be there for eachother the past day...unfortunately it woke me up enough to see stella's face, cradled in my hands and i woke up crying. i haven't stopped since.

she could finally be at peace and free of pain, and for that i'm grateful. but life just isn't going to be the same. she was a crabby old hag, but i'm really going to miss her.

Possibilities...

Oh goodness, I'm looking back on the most recent posts that I've written...and I'm such a slacker! SO much has happened in the past few months and with the way I blog just about ONE thing, it's gunna take a novel to cover it all!

So I'll try to be brief. Ha.

Overall summer - I spent most of my time housesitting. I think that is where my entire summer has gone because I can't remember the majority of it. Perhaps it was because I spent much of my time frustrated with dogs, reading books and watching Gilmore Girls and whatever movies I could scrape up in the house. I worked at 4 different branches of CIBC all summer, helping out where vacation and sick days needed filling.

July 19th - Breast Darn Pig Roast Ever. Rainy. A little frustrating and very stressful for some people. Not me, coz I refuse to get stressed at things like that anymore. The OMG played and it was SUPER fun. People were thoroughly impressed, even though we had a really weak encore (we didn't prepare one!). We made Ally Howatt "eat the Twinkie". Heh.

August 2nd - Mom and dad's surprise 25th anniversary party. Me, Mike, myself and I were planning it for months and ended up getting about a 30 person turn-out, and a 42" flatpanel tv from everyone. The greatest part was that they were ACTUALLY surprised - they hadn't caught wind of it at all.

August 9-16 - I house sat as a last minute favour for the family of two girls that I mentor. I decided that after almost 2 months of watching people's movies and reading their books, it was time to spend my time doing something creative instead. So I decided to paint a wall in one of the girls' room. White with different coloured gerber daisies hand-painted all over it. It was a HARD and very time consuming task for me, but it gave me something to do that wasn't just sitting around watching tv (I watched a total of 10 mins of tv that week).

August 21? - Youth @ Wonderland. Fun. Tiring. Behemoth. Exhausting. A little frustrating. In the words of Jen Thompson..."Never again." Hehe.

August 24th - Country 95.3 "BROAD"cast was aired from 12-6 in an attempt to raise 20,000 for the "Rack Pack", benefitting the Princess Margaret Hospital. As a result, Leanne Cater shaved her head live on air the next morning, along with Donna Phillips and even Mookie joined in on the fun.

August 27th - I was invited as an honourary "Rack Pack" member for the Country 95.3 "Chicks Night Out" at Woodbine Racetrack in Toronto. Good food, great fun, and no ID...I ended up, at one point sitting cross-legged in front of the EXIT sign at the casino because they wouldn't let me in. Apparently I look under the age of 30. Who knew?

August 29th - I decided to become a REAL "Rack Pack" member, looking for $2000 in sponsorships in 48 hours in order to secure my walking place in the Weekend to End Breast Cancer in Toronto...the walk was to happen a week later and I wanted to make sure I got it, so I put out the incentive that if the money was raised within 2 days, I'd shave my head. I thought it was an impossible goal, but it happened.

September 4th - Jacquie gets sheared! My head isn't as mortifyingly devastating as I'd have thought. Now that it's growing in, though, it's a little annoying. I've still got to get the pink ribbon tattoo on my head that I promised.

September 5-7th - Weekend to End Breast Cancer. I managed to walk 45 out of 60 km's - 20 of which was on a very sore knee. The constant walking was hard on my body and on my emotions, but I got through it and came out of it with a new attitude about my limitations. I'm doing it again next year and have already started planning a training routine, as well as started a bit of training itself. I don't want to think so much about it right now coz I'm still recovering from the weekend, but I'm also really excited about it.

September 9th - Started my official internship at Gateway Church. I am a children's ministry intern, learning the in's and out's of photocopying and ladder carrying. :) But that's not all of course...I've already had a chance to do some designing and will be speaking at a ministry training day this weekend.

September 11th - For "random act of kindness" day, Leanne at Country 95.3 decided, because she saw the OMG performance and figured I must be a huge Blue Man Group fan, to put me live on air and give me a pair of free 2nd row tickets to see them on the 19th. In return, I was to pay it forward somehow. I chose to try my best to give Nicki a break while visiting her for a few days in Niagara Falls. On the way there, my front tire almost came completely off...it was held on by a single lug nut and all the rest of them - and the studs - had broken off. Scary stuff.

This week:
Monday - Spent the morning with the 95.3 dj's, bringing them Tim Hortons while I picked up my BMG tickets. Drove to Niagara Falls to pick up the laptop I left there. Had a 3 hour visit with Helena, talking about the walk for next year and just life in general. First day training for next year's walk. An attempt to define a new and potential relationship where I wouldn't have to be too concerned about distance. Wonderful. Overwhelming.
Tuesday - First day back to guitar lessons. I'm not ready for the summer to be over yet...I'm not through being lazy. Sad.
Wednesday - Jen Hurrell slumber party and The Higgins concert in Lindsay. I may be returning a forgotten guitar strap on behalf of the radio station, but Mookie's not sure if he can trust me...or more like he's not sure if he wants to let it go because he's just as much of a fan as I am and wants to give them a reason to come back to the station. Silly.
Thursday - First official mentor date day with Emma. Finally.
Friday - Blue Man Group concert. Wicked.
Saturday - Ministry Training Day. Anxious.

Anyways, that's life up until now. I already decided this morning that it was going to be a good week. Now I'm dead tired and have a date with Karen Walker for 20 minutes before bed.

Ha! She'd have a dirty comeback for that one, if she were a real person.

parental love and concern...

tonight i felt pretty betrayed by someone tonight. i'm watching my boys and i have always had an unnatural amount of trust and weakness for one of them. he's always been the one who tells me what the rules are and helps out the most, being the most cooperative.

pardon me for being a little incoherent, firstly. in case you haven't read the time stamp, it's currently 3 am.

my boy was granted a curfew extension tonight, on the grounds of good behaviour and just for a treat. I gave him an extra half hour which he called to remind me of (right at his normal curfew, conveniently...haha). at 11:30 I was waiting for him to walk in the door. at 11:50 i wrote him a note saying i didn't appreciate that i was taken advantage of, and that there would be consequences for the choice he made. at 12:15 i made the consequence bigger than what i'd originally decided, as per parental instruction.

anyways, i left his bedroom light on so that i could check easily if he'd come home yet. if the light was still on it meant he was still gone.

2:30 rolls around and i'm waking up to change sleeping positions. his light is still on. i get up to add to the note that it's VERY late and that it means major consequences now. and i went back to bed.

less than a minute later, i fully realized what was happening. he was not home, and he was 3 hours late. 3 hours! that doesn't happen. that's not like him. the only two possible explanations were "i accidentally fell asleep" and "i got beat up and/or thrown over the bridge on my way home". i had to find out what was happening so i called the house he was at and was informed that he "should be home any minute"...but i couldn't tell if they knew, in fact, what time it was and how much time had passed since he'd left. so i hung up and got in the car and drove to the bridge, like a maniac. and not wearing shoes.

well i got back and threw a bit of a slamming door hissy fit when i saw him rolling in, walking fine and in one piece. he looked like he was either upset or hurt so i opted just for feeling guilty and went to bed. then the maternal instinct kicked in and i knew i couldn't live with myself if i let him go the entire night bleeding and beat up, because i hadn't looked at him yet (anger). so i got up and asked if he was bleeding. i wanted to know if he was bleeding. i was HOPING he was bleeding so that i could stop being mad at him. i didn't want to think that this really weird and fully trusting relationship we have had been broken.

i came back out and he said he felt really bad. for probably the third time. i told him i know and that there's no use dwelling on it tonight, and that we'll talk about it tomorow when i get home from work. in the meantime he has his extra chores and grounding to keep him busy all day and then we'll discuss it in the morning.

i realized that i didn't even need to be completely conscious to drive and look...because i was powered only by the panic that took over me when i thought that my boy could've been hurt and that i'd let it go for 3 hours without finding out. it's a scary thought and now i can't even get the adrenaline down enough to go back to sleep.

the good news is that he's alright and he's home. the bad news is that i have to be mad at him and give him consequences. ugh.

well, i'm gunna get a glass of juice and try to get back to bed. it might mean that lorelai and rory have to help me.

speaking of lorelai and rory...that's how i feel about the situation. egg baby and i have this strange kind of relationship where i always can count on him and i know he'll do the responsible thing in most cases. but then rory slept with dean and it made lorelai question who this strange new person is. that's how i felt tonight. who is this strange new person who doesn't hold to his word? it's like i'm trying to process the situation because it's so out of character.

anyways...that's my story for the night.
end scene.

i wish i had a wild horse; i could ride away
across the open prairie where you can see for miles
there'll be no second guessing when i get where i'm going
coz like a horse against the wind, my spirit won't be broken

the last line of that chorus has stood out in my mind for many, many...hours. for about a week now i've been listening to nothing but the higgins and their song wild horse doesn't apply much to my life in the sense that i am not raising my own siblings and whatever it talks about, but at times i hear that chorus and get a feeling of strength and courage. an illusion, perhaps. but at other times it's the first line that stands out and i just feel like i want to run away from myself and run away from all this confusion. i don't even know what i'm confused about. i just have this overwhelming sense of fear and worthlessness that i don't want to face anymore.

most of the time i'm really good at hiding it. only those who truly know me can sense whether i'm just having a quiet day or if there's something wrong. the ironic thing is that others can sometimes sense there's something wrong even when i don't feel it myself. i just honestly think i'm having a quiet day when all of a sudden i'm being asked a question that shouldn't be so hard to answer...and it sends me over the edge.

i'm prettymuch a spoiled brat. whenever i wanted anything growing up all i had to do was whine or cry about it and it would be done for me. i'm not saying my parents were bad because that's not it at all. i'm saying that i don't know how to do anything for myself. if i'm feeling this way, like i'm not making a difference and that i don't know what i want with my life, i don't know how to change it. i have no desire to. i'd rather someone else made my decisions for me and told me what to do to get out of this stupidity. i don't know how to do it but when i am challenged or confronted with it i just cry because it's the only thing i know how to do.

i wrote a post a while ago about a question asked of me regarding my friendships, and who "my friends are". it was a question that really upset me and made me feel like the friendships i do have aren't valid because these people aren't my age. yes i have some friends who are younger and i treat them like i would a sibling. yes i have some friends who are older than me and who i look up to as a big sister (with all the jealousy and adoration that comes with it sometimes), an aunt or even a mother. i feel like there are two parts of my personality represented in the friends i have. it's true, i have few friends who are my age (within decent driving distance). but i think that i hang out with youth a lot in order to remain young and fun; i never want to lose the desire unnecessary silliness. but there's a part of me that just wants to grow up and feel like an adult and i enjoy the company of people who can offer insight and maturity.

but the point i'm trying to actually get at is that i don't really hang out with anyone lately. i think the reason is because i'm trying to hide from my own reality. i engross myself in an alternate reality through dvds and music and technology so that i don't have to face the chaos in my mind and heart that i refuse to confront and just deal with. it's funny that i realize that there is a problem there at all, because i can't put my finger on exactly what it is. i just know that i hate feeling this way whenever someone gets brave enough to look me straight in the heart and pry the tears out of my eyes. then they refuse to go away until i fly back to my imaginary world with my imaginary friends who i know well but don't and will never know my name, let alone the fact that "i just got married and am turning 22 in just over a week", or "i'm a musical prodigy, writing most of the songs for my band at the astonishing age of 19". sorry if that got confusing. i know what i'm talking about.

i also think that i don't hang out with people my age because i don't want to compare myself to them. they're either going to school full time or they've landed themselves a career kind of job. whatever it is they're doing, they've committed. they've figured out what they want to do and gone for it. i can't decide what to make myself for a meal, so i end up hungry for 18 hours. i'm just always comparing myself to people and feeling like a total failure. not just in ministry, but in general life. i want to feel like i'm heading in the right direction.

no. i want to feel like i'm heading in a direction. i don't even care if it's the direction at this point. i'm just spinning around in circles looking every which way for some sort of sign. i'm sitting on my ass on the stage at church, waiting for the phone to ring. waiting for the call.

i've heard a little too much "so why bother finishing your BA?" lately. i'm trying to make a decision here and stick to it, and yet the one thing that i've been persevering on is the one thing that people are trying to tell me to quit. just because i may be realizing that i'm meant to be in a different profession, doesn't mean that i have to just give up. it's like having ADD...dedicating my life to something and then changing focus halfway through. i've done it too many times and i'm trying to stop that for once...and yet i keep getting the same question..."if you're thinking of going into something else, why finish what you're doing now?".

because i want to. is that so hard to believe? i want to have something finished and feel like i've actually accomplished something in my life. i want to be able to say "yes, it did take me a little longer than normal, but i did it".

maybe i just can't commit, long-term, to anything. maybe that's why i can't see myself married one day. or with a family of my own. or even a decent job. that requires actually making a decision and sticking to it for good. maybe i was meant to live the life of a musician, touring a new country and playing in a new city every month and never having the chance to get fed up with the place i'm at in life. but a musician has to commit to producing decent material so maybe i'm just meant to backpack the world, working only enough to get where i'm going next.

i know that this is a really long post and most of you haven't gotten to this point in it...and if you have, then i'm sorry you've been subjected to all this negativity. at one point in my life, way back when i started this blog, i had the desire to find a way to become a beautiful person. well i can officially admit that i'm currently failing at it.

but (hopefully) like a horse against the wind, my spirit won't be broken.

the sweet sounds of summer...

crazy week. up and down. then up and up and up.

i got fired last monday. it was on a technicality, really...kind of dumb but can't blame him at the same time. so i'm working a few days a week at the bank for the rest of the summer before i sort my life out. it was time for a change anyways...it just happened a little sooner than i'd already been hypothetically planning.

then i got a phonecall from mom saying that she got backstage passes to the canada day jam the next day...which is awesome because i wouldn't have been able to go had i still been employed! so i was kind of into it but not really until i got there and was getting autographs and hanging out.

then i discovered an amazing band that i've never heard of before - the higgins. they're a family band from bc who play sort of a mix of country and celtic rock and it's super awesome. their harmonies are absolutely solid and their stage presence is incredible! i ended up sort of tagging along with them a few times that day, getting a picture and some autographs, as well as being the photographer for everyone who wanted their pic taken with them...AND i was the only person smart enough to have brought a sharpie so everyone was borrowing MY marker to get their autographs so i spent more time with them than planned. i also bought their cd and have been listening to it nonstop all week.

upon returning home that night, i checked out their website and found out that they were set to play another 4 shows in ontario before heading back out west. so i made tentative plans to go along, but afraid that no one would come with me i invited like a dozen people only hoping that one would say yes. then i got a yes from 3 people, and my mom and her friend invited themselves, bringing along a swedish exchange student.

backtrack a few days though. wednesday and thursday i spent with nicki, keith and the boys. very awesome. very beautiful. brody looks more like nicki than jayden ever did and ever will. while jayden deceived everyone and then turned into a mini-keith, bro's totally going to be a spitting image of mom. he's beautiful. and HUGE. like 15 pounds at 2.5 months!

i worked at the caledonia cibc on friday, running into 3 of my former coworkers at pizza pizza. not fun. but the day went by quickly and i've gotta say that i thoroughly appreciate actually having the freedom to take a relaxing hour-long lunch and at least one (if not two) paid fifteens.

saturday was gilmore girls day. 4 whole discs of it, to be precise which turns out to be 16 episodes. except i watched the last one on the 5th disc today which means i only really watched 15 episodes yesterday. still, that's pretty intense. i finished the season this afternoon and am THOROUGHLY growing to dislike this show. what ever happened to happily ever after, for crying out loud?!

and speaking of frustration...i went looking for my pvc instruments today now that dad had a trailer for us to transport them back to the house. i went searching all through the church and heard that someone saw them outside, around the side of the building. now, i do recall suggesting that they be left outside so that i could pick them up IF no one was able to open the doors for me during non-church hours...and for someone to please contact me and let me know what would be most convenient for them.

no response. so i left it til today. and found that they had been sitting outside. exposed to the elements. for at least a week. a week. in rain and sun and blistering stupid heat all this morning. the heat melted the pvc glue and not only was i having to pull over and pick up several pieces that fell off and broke during the ride home, but i almost caused several accidents at the same time. i'm not at all impressed. it's going to take a good couple hundred bucks and about 5 hours of time just to get them back to how they were, let alone all of the pipes that we hadn't yet tuned. so that was when my week went back down.

but then there was tonight. i ended up having a big group of people who came with me to the higgins concert up near guelph and i was thoroughly excited to hear them, though i didn't know what the set up would be...how many people would be there? do they have a solid fan base in this area? how busy are horse races on a sunday evening? where would i be expected to sit/stand etc?). but it was a really nice, intimate setting with a tent and some picnic tables and it wasn't a huge crowd, which meant i would have plenty of opportunity to talk to them about playing at the fundraiser in a few weeks. so we chatted a bit (determined they'd be across the country and unable to come perform), did a few more pictures and just hung out for a good 20 mins or so at the end of the night. we joked about a camera and cellphone incident/joke that was created at the CDJ and eileen and john both determined that we're tight coz we "go way back (to almost a whole week ago!)". kathleen and i took an incredibly (and purposely) unflattering picture of the both of us on her camera and i'm hoping to get a copy of it from her if ever they get a chance to upload and email it to me. i found out the secret of how to get a hold of them to catch up and chat while they're on the road and after a couple of hugs from kathleen and handshakes with eileen and john, i turned and walked away from the people i wished were my friends...i might see them in september when they come to lindsay but that's almost 3 hours away.

oh who am i kidding? i totally know i'll be there. hehe...

anyways...like i said...up and down week. i forgot to mention that on monday i also had a phonecall from the bank concerning an extremely important financial matter that needed to get settled. more stress added to a stupid day.

but God used all the crap from that day and brought me a couple new music pals (i swear if we'd grown up together we'd have been great friends - they're so random and fun) and some perspective and the chance to turn an obstacle into an opportunity. all in all i feel pretty encouraged by this whole week...i got to relax a little and just have some quality time by myself, with friends old and new, and with Him.

i'll leave you with a few picture from tonight. yay!

from left to right in all pictures - john, eileen, and kathleen higgins

birthday celebrations that just keep on comin'...

I officially have a new best friend and she doesn't even know who I am.
I have spent more time in the presence of Lorelai Gilmore in the past month than I have with my own family, any of my best friends and even with the majority of my coworkers. I would call Rory one of my best friends as well, except that she's become stupid all through Season 5 and I'm not much of a fan of hers anymore.

My life is a lonely one, obviously. I'm housesitting and going INSANE with this puppy who randomly gets excited and jumps on me, licking furiously, if I perhaps blink too enthusiastically. She's had 3 accidents on the floor and it's not at ALL because of any lack of letting her outside, as it seems I do it "just in case" every half hour or so.

I like housesitting but I've come to the conclusion that I should never live this close to my workplace. Ever. I've been over there randomly in the middle of the night at least 3 times and once during the day since being here at the house. It's bad. I just seriously have no friends. That's the ultimate conclusion that I've come to.

I've had very little progress in the way of deep thoughts lately. No more butterfly signs have stood out to me...there's only been one sign put up in front of that church since the butterfly one and it says "THIS IS MY FATHER'S WORLD" in the spirit of Father's Day. Nothing inspirational to me, to be honest. I haven't spent much time praying, either.

Oh man speaking of praying and God and stuff, I've gotta remember to hit a bank machine tomorrow morning. I'm trying this new tithing thing since I've never actually done it before (I've never felt it completely necessary to tithe directly to the CHURCH because there are many ways to give back to God's kingdom, financially but apparently I was wrong in that belief) so we'll see what happens. I mean I'm not sitting there EXPECTING anything to happen but...yeah I dunno. I just know I should be doing it and I've been thinking about it a bit this week and it's probably time to get on it. But that also requires remembering to have cash on me when I'm on the way in to church. Weird. I'm not the kind of person who remembers these things. Sure, I'll remember to stop for coffee on the way because it seems that I can't survive a day without it. Funny how that works.

Along the lines of coffee...last weekend my parents went for breakfast with their friends and I tagged along. In fact, I got to the restaurant first and saved a table for everyone and accepted an offer for coffee. When my parents got there, they looked thoroughly confused when I answered that yes, it was in fact coffee sitting in front of me. Coffee has been a morning staple in my life for at least the past year and they didn't know that?! It's weird that there's this whole area of my life about which my parents are completely clueless, because it's never lived in front of them. As far as they know, I'm still the Jacquie that doesn't even need to be offered coffee anymore because she always turns it down. What they don't realize is that I only turn down coffee after dinner. I'm not awake when they have their morning coffee otherwise I'd join them...but I won't drink caffeine around that time of night because I already have a hard enough time sleeping when I'm not hopped up on caffeine. So that was a little strange...having my parents wonder when their daughter started drinking coffee, since I hadn't for almost my entire life.

Since tomorrow is the first day of having one church service and therefore I can't sleep in as late as I would like to (since I would likely have been going to the 11:15 service if it were a normal day), I should be trying to sleep right about now. Last night I was up WAY too late watching WAY too many television interviews with Lauren Graham on YouTube...and then my stupid internal clock woke me up at exactly 9 am this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep. And I realized about an hour and a half ago that I have a headache. Boo.

Oh but wait, I forgot to mention the dress incident. Prettymuch all it includes is the fact that I bought a dress a couple of weeks ago and it's super cute. No one forced me to buy it and I didn't have any special occasion to buy it for. But I decided to wear it when working at the bank yesterday and it was sooo fun. I did my hair in a poof and put the rest of it in a clip and had wedge sandals on and everyone at the bank kept saying how cute it was. :) I actually agree, which isn't something that happens often.

Anyways, the end. Time for a cold foot soak(argh why do I keep forgetting my allergy pills?!) and nappy time.

sweet, sweet freedom...

I, as of one hour ago, am officially free of youth ministry responsibilites for at least a whole year and two months. I love that I've gone from having commitments for worship, tellering, flipside, blast off, mentoring, youth conference, work, baseball, guitar lessons...to only having work, guitar, baseball, sporadic worship and mentoring...none of those are a huge deal and all are both enjoyable and easy.

I'm going to like this. But I'm afraid I'm going to like it too much and that I won't want to go back to it...the kids were kind of upset about it tonight when I told them, though, and it makes me want to reconsider my decision for a brief moment.

On another note, tonight was a Lazermania night for the Blast Off kids and the Flipside graduates. There were 13 kids there and we had a lot of fun. Buuuut I was a little disappointed with myself because the guy who was working there was SO polite and sweet and was making sure the kids were having fun. It was like it wasn't just some stupid weekend job for him that he needed to feed his addictions or pay his baby mama. He cared that the kids were generally smaller and younger than most of the people that come in there. He made the extra effort to hand out scorecards to every person and reimburse the kids who left early, even though they didn't stick around for their free passes (he gave them to me to give to them).

I left him a tip at the end of the night and although he tried to fight it, I insisted. I was going to leave it wrapped in my scorecard and I'd actually written my email address on the card but at the last moment I chickened out because his coworker came just at that moment. UGH. I'm kinda bummed about it because really what harm would it have done? Worst case scenario? He doesn't email me. He emails me and says something really hurtful? I can't imagine it considering he was so nice to the kids and went out of his way even to find the super awesome popping planes that all of us wanted but he seemed to be out of...

I don't imagine he was much older than 20, if that...which might've been another reason I was hesitant. I forget that I'm offically in my "mid" twenties, not my "early" twenties and probably shouldn't be attracted to the college freshman type.

I just wish I'd taken a chance. Boo.

Well, now all that's left to do is wash my uniforms and take a few aspirin to take care of this "I'm completely out of shape and have been running around in the dark shooting kids with loud music playing - and haven't eaten anything for dinner except a grape soda and a bag of doritos" headache...I looooooove freedom!

I could've looooved that laser tag boy. Stupid Jacquie the chicken.

And on one last random note, it kind of saddens me that it's still like 2 and a half weeks until the first Friday of July...

cotton candy in my armpits. fast food and gilmore girls...

Just on the way home from Caledonia today, I did a lot of thinking. Not only did I realize that I completely ditched one of my past professors and her family for dinner that we were supposed to plan for "sometime in May", but I got to thinking about my view on ministry and where I stand as a future pastor or "director" or whatever people want to call it these days.

But first, let me just start by admitting that, in the spirit of Lorelai Gilmore - starving and stuck in a B&B - I am now about to "eat the fuzzy Certs", so to speak. I remembered sometime around 3:00 this afternoon that I'd forgotten some leftover Chinese in the back of my car overnight and for the entire stupidly humid day. I just got home and I'm fully eating an incredibly scorching version of it (in the attempt to kill the many bacteria that had a chance to form and multiply over the past 22 hours or so) but only somewhat enjoying it. Sad. One of these days, I will find a fuzzy Certs, though...and oh will I ever eat it. :) Just to be like my hero.

Speaking of heroes and greatness and inspiration...I've come to realize that there are some new awesome and wonderful names that I must give my children. I think it's incredibly ironic that I've always raved about only having boys, but I can't - for the life of me - think of any cool boys names. I can only come up with girls. Anyways...I'm finding that for at least every girl I've planned to name (I think I've got about 4-5 sets of first and second names, at this point), each one of them has at least one "K" name. Now this wouldn't come across as anything abnormal to most people, but for those who truly know me it will come as quite a shock, as I am known for thoroughly disliking the letter "K". What's also ironic is that my best friend, my mentor, my protege and a couple more of my wicked fun and super close friends all have names that start with this letter. It's like God's trying to toy with me...taking all the stuff I don't like or refuse to do and either shoving it in my face or forcing me to do it. I realize that of course He'd never "force" me to do anything but you know what I mean at least.

Okay, now back to my drive home.

It was mentioned to me that there is a temporary youth ministry job opening in another part of the country, and that I should "go for it". It would, in many aspects, be the ideal place for me to be. I would at least have two people that I know and love who would not only be my friends, but likely help to coach me. I could learn a lot from them. I would be gaining experience and stepping into the world of professional ministry (makes it sound kind of like the WWE) for a short time with a visible ending so that whether things are going well or poorly, there's an "out" (always important for someone like me, though I apparently have to work on losing the "screw it" mentality). I could start being a grown-up (oh please, no) and trying to intentionally find my place in this world (where am I, anyways? maybe i should stop and ask for directions).

BUT I didn't even give it a second thought. My answer, even to the hypothetical situation, was no. Just no. Not "absofrigginlutely not", or even "no way, I can't do it". Just...no.

Why the eff not?!?!

I'll tell you why, because this is what I found out while driving home. I have been forever (or at least a substantial period of time) kicked off of my high horse when it comes to my youth-ministry greatness. Before I even finished my first year of Bible college, I was already looking for a summer job in youth ministry. I was considering asking my church about a paid internship so that a) the church would have a youth person and b) I could gain experience as well as cash for my next year. I headed up a team of people leading youth events in other parts of Canada, and felt that even though I wasn't always organized, I could handle it. I was a natural. The program wasn't important. The numbers weren't important. The fact that there were kids being impacted and reached for Christ in a way that they truly felt it was important. I didn't need structure. I didn't need a budget (after all, Blaine took care of signing all the cheques no matter what we asked for). I didn't need an entirely good-sounding worship team. I didn't need an "appropriate atmosphere". I just wanted to be the kids' friend. Whatever needed to be done was going to get done, with or without preparation or God's help. It was just going to be fine. I was the youth ministry rock star in the eyes of my peers, my church, my professors, my friends and myself.

Then I learned that the higher you are, the harder you fall. The more puffed up your chest is, the louder the pop when you get stabbed. I went from being the hero to the zero (oh goodness I didn't even plan that) and no matter what anyone says, I don't think I'll ever believe otherwise. I was left to my own devices in an unfamiliar world and I failed. I don't want that to happen again. Why put myself back in a position where I'm vulnerable to crash and burn all over again? I didn't like the way it felt the first time, thank you very much. I've already told myself that the only reason I'm finishing this BA is to be able to feel like I've actually finished something that I started. I want to close that door and move on...but I still don't want to completely shut the idea out of my mind that ministry might be the place for me. Maybe because I feel God still calling me, or maybe because I feel the external pressure from people who "believe in me" and who "know that this is where I belong".

I'm not afraid of failure, though. I'm afraid of heights. I'm sick of the tears that seem to have only hidden themselves away in the furthest part of my brain, rather than disappeared. I thought I'd gotten past this. But it's nothing that even has to do with the external happenings in NZ...now it's all me. I've given up blaming others for the pain because at this point it's all up to me to let it go and grow from it. But, as always, I don't know effing HOW to do that.

And then I was confronted by a sign. Yes. A sign in front of Zion Church in Kohler that always has those silly cliche christian crap sayings to try and make people think about Jesus. I always chuckle or scoff when I see them.

Tonight it read:
"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."

I cried the rest of the way home.

I'm still a caterpillar, aren't I? I sure as heck don't feel like a butterfly...

random morning surprises...

Well this is kind of strange. I came across two startling things already in the short 12 minutes that I've been awake.

Firstly, when I was taking a new roll of TP out of our bathroom basket, I was greeted by a big black cricket sitting right on the roll and I held it up to tear some off. I kinda freaked out - shook it to the floor and and to take a second to process what just happened. Ha.

But then I came out and looked at my emails (my normal morning ritual of checking emails before even getting dressed, providing no other cars are in the driveway when I leave my room), and discovered something from a lady named Emma Williams from Schmap. The subject says "[Flickr] Schmap: New Zealand Photo Short-List". I almost deleted it but it carried too much information that is actually familiar to me, considering the photo site I used while in NZ to publish stuff for my friends back home was definitely Flickr.

In the email, I was informed that one of my photos was short-listed to be included in Shmap's second edition New Zealand Guide. If I wanted to submit my photo, "click here" and said that although I don't get cash for it, I will still have my name credited to the photo, as long as I give a name. So I gave my actual legal name - Jacqueline Fleet (rather than Kiwi Jaqs, which was what was already attached to it) and submitted it. Apparently I'll receive an email if my photo makes it into the actual final publication of the guide.

Pretty neat, eh?

Just thought I'd write about it now, before I lost the mini-excitement.

Oh P.S. here's the picture...

big sisterly pride...witnessing my girls grow up and make hard decisions...but still being invited in as part of the process. <3

I am riding out the last bit of an illness of gargatuan proportions. About a week and a half ago, I was laying in bed and was awoken by the slow, but definitely noticeable, building of sinus pressure. It was like I could feel someone filling my entire face with mucus, and by morning I couldn't breathe. I went through life in a blurry daze, with a constant headache and feeling like the snot in my brain was growing exponentially. Within a couple of days, my throat became very sore and another few days later, I completely lost my voice. That was a week ago. That night, I started coughing. It was a dry hack that never seemed to satisfy the tickle/discomfort in my throat.
I took Monday off of work and tried to get better. I ate Lipton soup and crackers all day, as well as probably half a dozen popsicles. I watched PPV prettymuch all day and didn't feel any better, even after a two hour nap in the afternoon. Tuesday was already a day off for me, so I decided to go to the doctor.
But when I woke up, I found a note from Dad-O saying he was going to the doctor FOR me, to get something for my sicky. He brought home a box of free samples of this antibacterial drug called Avelox. It wasn't something to help the symptoms, but to kill this wretched disease of mine. I later found out that it is killing not only the bad bacteria in my body (oh, and the diagnosis was a bacterial infection of the sinus, which spread to my respiratory system), but all of the good stuff, too. So I was advised to eat a lot of yogurt (mmm I love it). And today I find that my skin is really clearing up!
My voice is mostly back, but I still have an annoying - and quite sporadic - cough. And it makes my chest and head throb. I get a nice quick shot of pain when I cough but then it goes away. I'm just waiting for the back of my head to explode like on House the other night.

In other news, I discovered the addictive wonder of Facebook Bumper Stickers. I'm in love. I found so many cute ones and I'm really trying to force myself not to go back to the site again tonight, because it kept me out of bed for an hour and a half longer than I'd planned on last night. It's uber fun - if you've never accepted the application before, make sure you do it soon! There are so many fun ones...buuuut some dirty ones so do your part by flagging the offensive ones. :)

I haven't felt much like myself lately, and I'm not the only one who's noticing it. I'm quieter than normal, and not nearly as easily excited. I don't know exactly what's going on...I just kinda feel blah and I can't explain why. Then again, I haven't really stopped to ask myself why, either...haven't given it the thought. I think that thinking is just too much energy spent right now and I'd rather just be lazy.

Someone asked me the other day who my friends are - who I hang out with. I couldn't answer the question. I've spent a lot of time sitting at home lately. A few nights here and there with youth. At least once a week mentoring. Once a week teaching. Working sometimes 6 days a week. I see Selena quite a bit. Kerry not as much as I'd like to. Helena rarely. Rachel practically never. I think that the person asking meant who I hang out with that's around my age group, since I seem to spend a lot of time with youth these days. There are a lot of people my age at church, but none of them that I really have the desire to hang out with on a regular basis. Except Rachel, who currently seems to have the complete opposite working schedule that I have, and is now a little more occupied having a boy in her sights.

It's times like this that I really miss Calgary. Kate. Rachel. Char. Nicole. Even Jen, though she's not out west...seems like it's that far some days, though. I miss random dinner/movie dates with Jon and star gazing with Jeff and Lynnette. I miss floor meeting and midnight Chinese food dates with my room mate. I miss showing up in Nicole's room and jamming on guitar and djembe for a couple of hours. I miss margarita nights with Liz, Janelle, Becca and Jenn...bells palsy jokes and buck teeth. It's really frustrating feeling so alone in a world where you're surrounded by people. And it feels even worse knowing that every one of the people around me love me and care for me and still I feel alone. It's like who they are and what they do for me means nothing to me and it makes me feel like crap. Awkward questions (especially coming when I feel there is no right or reason to be asked) make me think too much and eventually feel like crap.

I felt kinda down and not myself before that question came, but I don't think it's helped much.

Now I have to try to think of something beautiful to put in the title. Blech.

(added note: funny how God works, providing me with something beautiful to put in the title just as I was dreading having to try to force something out of my little brain)

DQ

i don't even know what happened in the last few weeks. i've completely neglected my blog. perhaps part of it is because i haven't really had internet access for the past week or so. it's been kinda nice, but i've also wasted a lot more gas and stayed up a heck of a lot later than i should trying to find ways to amuse myself without the world wide web.

so i've been spending a lot of time with a few neat people lately. i met a couple of girls at the youth conference who totally rock my mismatched ankle socks. i haven't seen once since then but that's going to change as of tomorrow night. and then i've spent a few random nights with the other one, just hanging out and doing homework (oh goodness) at tim hortons in the middle of the night. it's been good fun.

i've also spent quite a bit of time with a young girl who i've started mentoring a little the past while. she's pretty great and i love her and her family. i've been praying a lot for them and it's been turning out kinda good lately.

but at the present moment i'm watching a stupid movie with darren, one of my leetle egg bebes but he was out for a smoke and to let the dog out for a pee so now that he's back i'm gunna go join him. he cooked me dinner and everything. so cute. actually we're now going to head to DQ to get a treat and then finish the movie.

so that's life lately. i've been random and taking a lot of time off of work and driving a sweet car that doesn't belong to me and hanging out with an annoying cat, a shy cat and a giant dog who likes to sleep in my bed. lame. but it's been alright. i'm looking forward to getting back to fisherville, believe it or not. it means internet. ha.

anyways, the end. gunna head out now.

time, time, time...

So things are finally looking like they can start settling down. The youth conference is over and baseball has started and Blast Off and Flipside will soon be done for the summer. It's exciting, but I also find that when I have nothing to do and no place to be, I get really bored and find more things to commit to in order to fill the empty times. It's like by being busy, I'm actually being lazy by avoiding important things such as prayer and devo time, exercise and family time. I'd much rather fill my day with doing stuff than spending time in my own head or doing something monotonous.
Let me just say that tonight I watched two PPV movies, a Canadian tv show called Skooled which aired a while ago (that my dear Dondrea was in) and an episode of Bones...and it made me want to prettymuch die. I've realized that there is little desire within me to sit on a couch and watch tv for hours on end. And yet I can do it so easily with something like Will & Grace or Gilmore Girls. Or really any of my DVD series', come to think of it.
But seriously, having spent upwards of 5 hours straight in front of the tv figuring out what to watch next really took a lot out of me instead of chilled me out. I wanted to sleep the whole time but kept myself awake because I didn't want to miss it. It's like I'm addicted to, and yet bored of, TV.
In other news, I had a bit of a freak out on my baseball coach yesterday. This isn't something I'm proud of but I wasn't about to let what was said go unconfronted. I got a little confused about my position when playing the field, as I'm normally a third baseman. I'm not saying I *have* to be here, but I just assumed since it's been that way for a year now. So I went out to my place and saw someone else standing there. I got all kerfuffled and confused and asked "what's up with this? I've always played third...", to which my coach replied "Well, you're on 2nd this time because that's normally where the girls are played. You see, it's a pretty far throw from third to first and that area is a hot spot for line drives so I put you and Shannon to trade off on 2nd".
Well the comment threw me off a little and I shook my head in the same way a cat does when you blow in its ear. I sort of said "well alright" but walked away feeling thoroughly offended. I thought of last season and remembered how I played. And I wasn't bad by any means. In fact, I did quite well. Maybe I missed the occasional line drive but whenever I did stop the ball, never did I once throw it short to first. If anything, I would throw it over Shawn's head and end up forcing a double for having too strong of an arm.
So I let it stew and simmer and I got really angry really quickly. We had a few heated words and although he kept asking me to just drop it, he would be the one to bring it up again a few minutes later and I'll have to admit that I didn't hold my tongue when I should have. I had a few words come out that weren't any longer than 4 letters each and I'm not proud of it. But I had to email him again tonight and make sure he actually understood why I was upset. He seemed to think that I was angry because I was being a spoiled brat who wanted my own base back, which wasn't the case at all. I would much rather he criticized my personal abilities rather than categorize me and just put me "where most girls go, because we *have* to have them on the team"...kind of made me feel like we were all picked last in gym class if that makes sense.
Anyway, enough of that. I got most of it out in my email so I should just drop it.
On a more positive note, this past weekend was freakin awesome. I have to admit that I was kind of afraid that people wouldn't be as responsive to the Orange Man Group as we were hoping but just the opposite happened. There was a phenomenal response and we had so much fun doing it. Some people have asked about the possibility of doing future gigs at youth events and whatnot. I think it'd be awesome...but for now I am just hoping to relax for a little while before recommiting to that project, to be completely honest. It was a lot of work and there's still plenty to do to get the PVC instruments up to performance grade. More cutting. More gluing. More practicing. More paddles. More time. More effort. More money. It's just not at the top of my excitement list at the moment.
Plus, my hands are still stained at the cuticles and in between my fingers...and my face and hands have an all around orange tinge to them as though I used a really cheap tanning lotion. Not fun at all.
But again, the weekend was amazing! Some of the people came who I was really hoping would show up. I made a couple new friends and totally schooled the Food Chain game (even if it was only a short time and I had to quit at Bullwinkle). I got to see one of my favourite kids become a Christian and some of my others grow closer to God. I saw barriers come down from around my girls' hearts and realized that some of them have come such a long way even in the past few months. And I celebrated!
I also had a bit of a choke-up time, too. It's often at these big events that I start to think about upcoming goodbyes. Last year I had a hard time watching Dondrea go away to school...and this year I've got 4 of my other favourites leaving their respective nests and it's hitting me hard. I knew that it would happen all at once, since they all just happen to be the same age and in the same grade...but that doesn't make it easier as the time left to spend with them grows shorter. I do have to remember that they're not gone yet and I have to make the best of the time I have left with them, but I dread 'goodbye' - especially when it involves those who are so dear to my heart. And so I get anxious about 'goodbye' much sooner than most people do. There is a bit of happiness, though, as I know of at least 2 girls who are, in fact, sticking around for another year or so. At least I don't have to say all my super hard goodbyes all at once.
Well, this has been a really long post...mostly because I've been too busy to fit in shorter, more frequent updates. And there is more on my mind but at this point it's past midnight and my eyes are growing heavier by the second. Plus, let's just be honest...most of you will just see the length of this entry, skim over it and leave within a minute and a half, as that's apparently the average time people spend on my blog, each visit.
So with all of that said, I bid you adieu (to you, and you, and you).

(Psst...how do you solve a problem like Maria?)

random crackers and cheese for dinner...

I haven't found much time to post lately because of all of the hype leading up to GYC '08. I was at a point last week when I thought I could see an end in sight and felt like things weren't as intimidating as I'd previously thought. I decided that because I had done so well preparing and getting everything in order, the last 2 weeks leading up to the conference would be smooth sailing. And for about a day, it felt like that was coming true. But now it seems to all be falling apart and with me superbly PMS-ing I've had an extremely emotional week. On average, I've spontaneously started crying while reading an email, or finding out something that isn't going quite as planned, about once a day since sometime last week. I say this is on average because some nights have included 2-3 random moments whereas a day or two has been tear-free.

But tonight, even after panicking at work about how and when the PVC instruments were going to get to the church, where they were going to be stored, and how I was going to manage having a restful evening with the entire move being postponed by an hour and a half...I'm starting to feel a little more at ease. Perhaps earlier I was so emotional because I've had a migraine all day, I feel myself getting sick (sinus and throat), work was getting a little stressful by the end of the day and I'm feeling totally over worked (and unappreciated in some ways).

See, I've always been the kind of person who works best under pressure, when there's less than the required amount of time to do what needs doing. I've always been the kind of person to chill out until the last possible minute but this time I've put so much prep into the conference that all of these last minute changes, demands and snags are really stressing me out.

Perhaps this means that God has a plan to do something AMAZING and that Satan is getting pretty worried about what's in store for this conference. Who knows, really. I just know that I'm feeling worn out and beaten down and just...empty. It's like I have nothing left to give because there's barely anything left to sustain me. I know that sounds really negative but I'm just being honest here.

But tonight after I got home from hiding the instruments in the church, I read a few emails, chatted a while and made dinner (mmm warm brie on crackers). Then I went downstairs and watched Bee Movie on PPV and chilled out for an hour and a half, not thinking about anything except the pretty pictures on the TV. And my migraine's mostly gone and my tummy is happy and even though I smell like pizza and socks (ew), I'm actually feeling pretty calm. I know this is short-lived so I might as well savour it while I still can.

You know how when someone wins a game show or the lottery and when asked what they're going to do next, the winner pulls out a good ole' "I'm going to Disney Land"?

Well, on Sunday, May 4th at about 1:00 pm, ask ME what I'm going to do now that I've won the prize of free time and sanity (well, maybe only a little sanity - too much just wouldn't be me). I can guarantee that the first response will consist of only one word. It's not hard to guess what that word is but let me give you a hint...the past 2 days I've had to wake up at 7:00 to put a first and second coat of paint on each of the frames, and I'm not spending enough time winding down at night before trying to go to bed. Guess what I plan to do when this is all over...

But what excites me most is the freedom to be able to spend time with people. My brother is moving home for the summer as of this weekend and I want to hang out with him whenever possible. One of my close friends just went back to work after mat leave and it seems we never get a chance to have coffee anymore like we used to so now at least my schedule will be free enough to work around only working schedules (rather than work, youth, conference, etc). I'm looking forward to the baseball season, too. And of course, I have a brand new nephew that I plan on spending lots of time with (even though the Falls is "sooooo" ;) far away). I'm actually also kind of looking forward to be able to afford my next two classes so that I can get some schoolwork done over the summer as well.

Anyways, this has mostly been just a lot of rambling about nothing really worthwhile. The moral of the story is that I'm exhausted and emotional, but that I'm excited about the conference, but that I'm also looking forward to having some time to myself.

Now it's time to take some itchy pills, run my hands and feet under cold water and head to bed.

the miracle of life...

i don't know if i've ever been this happy about waking up after so little sleep.

yesterday i was surprised to find that someone from work was called in an hour early (by the boss) to allow me to get to the hospital to see my brand new nephew, brody, for a decent amount of time. this was such a nice thing to do and i was really happy when i got to spend 2 hours with nicki and brody instead of half an hour, which is what i was supposed to do.

i always say that there's no way a newborn baby can look "beautiful" as everyone says. they're ugly. they're squished and purple and have had their bodies forced through a hole far too small for such purposes (ew i'm going to stop thinking about that now), but i think that because brody has the advantage of being taken out by c-section, he ACTUALLY looks beautiful. well, really he looks exactly like jayden did, which still makes him beautiful. i've never held a baby that was less than a day old before, and even when nicki asked me if my arm was getting sore (it was practically shaking) and if i wanted to take a break i was like "no! MY baby!"...hehe. he's so great.

then on the way home two people called me. one was my brother asking for some feedback on a video he's editing for the youth rally. the other was from a lady who asked me to house sit starting the middle of may. w00t.

so i spent an hour and a bit fooling around with background music in the mohawk editing suites(well, watching him do it) and laughing with my bro. but mostly texting kerry. we made a plan to take a brain break (for her, from her paper) at 11 at night. ALWAYS a good time. though this is a habit that may or may not be hazardous to our health, i think it should be a regular activity to randomly hang out at almost midnight, chatting and laughing and watching silly youtube videos. instead of writing paper. or sleeping. ha.

i got home at 1:30 and didn't fall asleep until 2:30ish. i woke up at 9 wanting to die, but i'm just...happy. i hope the day stays this way, as fridays tend to get a little whacko at the store.

anyway...my pants should be about dry now and if i don't leave i'll be late again. for the 3rd time this week. and i have to pick up coffee too. ugh.