"a breath away's not far to where You are..."

i don't know what i would do if one of my parents were hospitalized for a serious injury. i look at young kids and teenagers who seem to take it in stride and try so hard to seem like they've got it all together. sometimes they really do, and sometimes they just don't want the attention that being upset gets them.

two of my youth have had to experience this in the same weekend (not even in the same family - so two different moms have ended up in the hospital with some pretty hardcore injuries), and it has completely broken my heart. i want to try so hard to act normal and not make them feel like they've always got to be reminded when they just want life to feel the same again, but i need for them to also know that i'm here for them in case they AREN'T okay and need anything from me.

but what's amazing to me is how resilient and faithful and trusting they at least seem to be. i can't know what's happening in their hearts but even though my heart's been so heavy and burdened, i can't seem to shake the awe i have for their bravery and strength for such young people.

what i've learned about myself is that i need to remember not to take those i love for granted, because i tend to do that so easily. i forget that life is truly fragile...that we are always only a breath away from eternity. it's both a scary and comforting thought.

i can't count how many times i've said "i love you" in the past two days.

sigh.

kiwi accents - a beautiful sound

so i can't sleep tonight. but this time it's been by choice. we've just gotten hooked up to highspeed (oh thank goodness) and i've been spending the day doing all the stuff that takes hours to do on dial up...uploading videos, checking out pictures, visiting multiple websites at once, watching movies and tv shows online, setting my webcam back up (!)...and then i started looking at all my old pictures, trying to find fun videos for facebook.

i came across a few gems from years ago at a death by chocolate party with the girls...and then got into the NZ pics. the youth center reno, the scenery, the friends, the farm (with psychotic chickens and ponies, as some may remember)...and my kids (oh how my heart breaks at this moment). as i was looking at the pics, one of them came online and i chatted with him for a bit, talking about how i miss them and making plans to ring them friday evening (saturday morning for them - i hope i don't forget). and then when i was about to finally go to bed at 12:15, i felt the need to ring emily and her mum, fiona...fiona was a great support and encouragement to me and for that i'm so very grateful. emily even sounds different and i found out she's going to be 15 in a couple of months and that isn't something i enjoy hearing...i'm missing some of the most important times of these kids lives.

why does it always seem like it would have been easier if i'd just stayed in ontario? no regina, no calgary, no te anau...they say it's better to have loved and lost (my version...loved and left?) than to never have loved at all. at least not having loved at all brings the comfort of ignorant bliss, whereas the pain of loving and leaving (and perhaps some of the guilt that comes with it) doesn't quite go away.

when i hung up the phone tonight, not only did i feel even more awake than i had before (i had to really concentrate on their accents - i can't understand them as easily anymore. sad.), but i also felt a little more heartbroken. and my eyes are tearing up now, as they did when i pushed "end" only minutes ago. ugh.

i didn't ever expect myself to long to be back there as much as i do right now. to put on that silly movie and do the silly actions to that VERY silly song...to spend all night wishing i could tear my hair out, or at least give 18 hyper kids a good dose of sedative...to play pool on a small and crooked table with cues missing their tips...

at this very moment i would give almost anything to be back there, having tea with the wilson family and a milo before bed. and planning a day off for tomorrow (it would be monday tomorrow if i were there) of reading and animal planet. and anticipating my mcleod's daughters and desperate housewives date with bethany (hannah must be getting so big)...

ok now i'm just depressing myself.

baby steps toward self-discipline...

so in 6 months or so, i've completed two distance ed seminars...with everything being done on time and with a fairly valiant effort! i remember the days where i'd cram everything in at the last minute and still hand it in late, resulting in a mediocre (but passing) grade (that's right, d's for "done"...thanks for that, jen).

in the case of my first class, i even handed everything in with a week left to spare before my due date. this time, i only went 3 days early. but in all fairness, life is only slightly chaotic at the moment with the youth conference and worship night coming up so quickly. i don't plan on registering for any other classes until the middle of may, at this point...and in the meantime i can concentrate, with a bit less stress, on other matters at hand.

i had a great convo tonight for about an hour with one of my favourite youth (yup, sorry people, i actually have favourites - but keep in mind that if you're reading this, you're likely one of them). it was a really great convo about all sorts of life things, and at times i feel i have little or no room to give advice on certain issues, considering i'm nowhere near perfect and i've barely got an idea of what my purpose is on this earth.

right now, i guess, my purpose is to pray for the people i committed to praying for. i've been slacking a bit, feeling like i'm running dry on things to pray for, for each person...it feels like it's getting a little monotonous. i guess it's good that april is coming up and it's time to add to the list :) now i just gotta figure out who's next! i'm kind of excited about it...

but mostly at this point i'm feeling mostly worn out. i suppose i'm not doing myself any favours by staying up to listen to my "sedation" playlist on itunes and write in my blog. i guess i'm just really into my chill out music to try and find some peace. i think i might even burn this onto a few cd's tonight, considering i have to save up a bit before buying my first post-cat-surgery toy.

just for fun, here are a few links to songs that are particularly effective at chilling me out. you might like em...

through the dark - kt tunstall (sad song that kinda broke me when I was leaving NZ)
stand back up - sugarland (makes me feel hopeful)
into the mystic - colin james
moorlough shore - the corrs
straw into gold - idina menzel
quando, quando, quando - michael buble feat. nelly furtado (mmm true sedation)

spurts of motivation...

ok so i like spurts of motivation, but i'm not thoroughly enjoying this whole "finding creativity and organization between the hours of 12 and 4 am" thing.

i've gotten done a bunch of stage diagrams and lighting cues for the entertainment segments for rallies, and i've put together a rough timeline for each rally and how it will be divided up, etc...i've emailed it to all my key volunteers so far and have emailed two more asking if they're interested in joining our techie team.

i also had a chance to chat with one of my girls from new zealand. she didn't start coming to youth until later in my internship, but she quickly found first place in the section of my heart dedicated to new zealand. her mum was a great encouragement and support to me while i was there and i miss both of them dearly. she said she misses me a lot, and that she bought the movie RENT and watches it all the time and thinks of me (hmm, maybe not such a good thing)...and that the family is going to california next april. i hope to find a way to catch up with them there...see the west coast and some of my favourite people all at once!

then i got hungry and decided that another beautiful thing is toast and peanut butter. then i left the dang bread in for two long and it just happened to be that i used the last two pieces of bread and now my toast is too crunchy (really, i'm more into the whole "warm bread with a slight crisp just on the outside" kind of toast) and i really just plan on throwing it away once i'm done posting this entry.

so the good thing is that i've gotten a lot done this morning. the bad thing is that i've lost a good 5 hours of sleep doing it. now i have some exciting news to read from a friend and i'm sure i'll never get to sleep.

"dude!"

i have absolutely zero motivation to get my last assignment done for this mentoring seminar. it doesn't help that i just got back the result of my initial bible knowledge exam, which was a measly 38%. considering my assignment is looking directly at biblical examples of mentoring, it's pretty safe to say that i'm feeling extremely unconfident about what kind of paper i'd turn out. the class is due in exactly a week, but the professor hasn't returned any of my previous assignments to give me feedback. i'll have to skip small group on thursday and spend my friday night slaving away over a hot laptop if i'm going to get this done. but i keep telling myself i have an entire week to do it, and at the rate i've been finishing assignments so far i'm in that mindset where i now i can pull one off in less than 4 hours if i really put my mind to it, so it can wait.

but it really can't.
but i don't want to face it.
uuuuugh.

if there was ever a single person on the planet who has the excruciatingly improper wiring for self-learning, it's definitely this person. now, please picture me pointing at myself with both thumbs with enthusiasm and you've officially entered my mind.



i've been asked to come in to re-do my online courses for the bank this saturday, so that on a whim they can call me in last minute for a desperate saturday situation. they haven't been able to nail down anything concrete regarding fridays but they want me for saturdays at least once in a while, which is better than nothing. i told them that i'm not available fridays starting april now that they've waited this long but there's apparently some issues that have come up and they don't want me right away anyways. soooo i'm getting paid to go in and do a bunch of super easy quizzes for a couple of hours this weekend. i need to be out of there by 1:00 but that leaves me with almost 5 hours pay, which will be nice in 3-4 weeks when it comes into my account.



and it got sorted out today that i am going to visit nic and the fam at the beginning of april for a night and most of the next day...then i'm bringing jayden home with me and he's coming as my date to the children's ministry appreciation event and then spending the night at my place. i'm pretty excited for it because we haven't had a j&j sleepover in a while. we've had the kind of bond, since he was born, that has never changed even though i don't see him as often as i'd like to. he's remembered exactly who i am ever since we played our first game of "dude!" in the car when he was only a year old, which is a really special thing to me. although it always turns out that i'm more than ready to send him home after only a night, i look forward to our sleepovers because i get to be a very proud aunt jacquie and show him off to my family and friends.


well other than all of that, i certainly don't have much more going on. i have pants that fit and a thousand bazillion pipes and elbow joints waiting for me at the church. but i also have to somehow manage being in two places at once, because for some silly reason i double booked myself.

this is about the time where i leave you with a super cute picture of my favourite nephew (for now - soon i won't be able to pick) and bid you adieu.

one less thing on my plate...

Well today was a bit of an early morning after a bit of a late night. i thought it might be a good idea to stay with Kerry and Corwin last night, seeing as I was going to be going to and from the church with nothing but driving and sleeping in between both scheduled times. Though it was fun and I had a blast, I certainly would've gotten more sleep having come home. Surprisingly, though, it was only the late-night Shoppers runs and dog tricks that kept me from sleep. Once my head hit that pillow, I was basically out for the count. And for the whole night. My body woke itself up at 7:29 exactly (my alarm was going to go off at 7:30) and I felt rather refreshed.

The Good Friday Production rehearsal felt like it took a long time, but it was all over before I knew it and the funny thing was that the first time we actually ran through the entire thing without stopping or hollering or interruptions was the production itself and I'd say it went rather swimmingly. Add that to the list of "stop counting on only the strength - and criticizing the weakness - of man and remember Who's really in control here" moments that God's been hitting me with lately.

I ran into some pals at St. George Arms afterwards and had a bite to eat before starting work. 3 hours into my shift, I was sent home AND given Monday off. Pretty wonderful on the stress levels. Not so wonderful on the paycheque. But hey, after having gotten a day and a half's pay out of 3 hours of working today, I think I can handle a few extra cut hours if it means a chance to relax for a day. I was hoping to spend Monday in the Falls visiting with Nicki and Jayden but it looks like Nic's gotta work in the afternoon. I may just have a day of nothing.

Sweet.

Then again, I do have an entire paper to write before the end of the month if I plan on passing this course. Maybe that's what I'll do all day. Then I just may have to take a break from school at least until the beginning of May is overwith...since things are kind of hectic at the moment.

My grandma had her second round of chemo yesterday. She's doing alright but is staying at our house for the weekend, so I've rescheduled a thing or two to make sure I'll be around to help out. Her hair was really falling out badly so she finally told my Uncle Jamie to get the clippers out and he shaved her head today. She's been wearing a scarf on her head all day and making bald jokes - I think she's trying to stay positive about everything. When she wears that scarf it makes her look so different - there's no thick curly bumps, it just sits smoothly on her head. She actually looks sick. I think the reality of it all is hitting me, now. It's not really fun. But she said that there's a great restaurant she keeps hearing about that she'll definitely have to check out once she's better.

I like how she actually says "once I'm better". It makes me feel a little more hopeful.

Anyways, I got home at 5:45 and have just been sitting with mom and grandma on the couches, chatting and eating lactose-free chocolate chunk ice cream (the wrong ice cream that I bought for the Blast-Off bday party). Everyone's now in bed and I'm actually really freakin tired.

Let me tell you something that isn't so beautiful...
Taxes.
I just want to get them done and send away all the paperwork and in the past my dad's just sat and pointed and said "put this here" and when I had a question he would just say "just put zero, you don't make enough for this part to count"...but my mom was like "you gotta fill out this form, and this form, and this form" and in the end I only found out exactly what my dad would've initially said...
"You don't make enough for this part to count so just put zero."

ARGH!
I don't even know if I did it right and I've gone through two copies of everything, making mistakes along the way. Good thing my dad thought ahead and got a few extra booklets. I think I've done all the math, but I can't find my tax receipt that Compassion JUST sent me like a week ago...I of course found an old one from last year in the place I thought I would've kept my new one...but no new one. Sad. Oh and I think that if I file these taxes, it means they will send me all of the GST that they owe me from the past two years...unless I have to actually fill out THOSE two years worth of stuff before getting it. Hmm. But that'd be great.

Just goes to show...sometimes when you procrastinate you can get a lot of good stuff at once rather than a little bit here and there. It's like saving for something you really want without actually having to refrain from spending it because it isn't in your posession. Ha. Yeah, I know...just call me Rebecca Bloomwood.

I just am anticipating having a few extra bucks to get something fun. I definitely deserve a good expensive reward for having not only completed (almost) two classes with great marks, but also paying off debts and being cute. :)
(I actually had to sit for a minute or two and think of a last reason before finishing that sentence)

So I think I've run out of things to say and my eyelids are barely staying open. Tomorrow brings pipe cutting, frame-building, Flipside prep, returning instruments to Burlington and dinner at the Keg with the fam.

Oh and speaking of which...

To the brotherist brother in the world:
Happy Birthday Mike!

(ok so now I can't actually push "post" until it's officially March 22nd now that I've jumped the gun)

Let me use this time to shamelessly plug www.jeffdunham.com where you'll find probably one of the funniest and most talented comedians on the planet. And let's face it...if you ever want to be in on most of today's inside jokes, you'll have to brush up on your Jef-uf-uh Dun-ham DOT COM knowledge.

A few teasers...

"I woke up this morning and I thought I will never be happy until I get to see Sah-na-tah Ah-nahhh ...thank you for bringing me!"

"Silence! I kill you!"

"Polish a turd, it's still a turd!"

"Fine. We'll wait. ......"

"Okaaayyyy! ...Sorrrryyyy!"

Night time!

that ole' sleepy feeling...

I am *so* very happy to announce that I am completely exhausted. So it goes without saying that I'm going to try to keep this brief.

Today started off crappy. I don't enjoy days where people annoy me and the minutes drag on feeling like hours. I don't enjoy days where silly people - who want two extra large pizzas with 14 toppings total - get angry at a $50 bill and then end up wanting delivery outside of our boundaries. The result is a cancelled order that cost a good 15 minutes worth of pricing estimates and annoyed customers standing in front of me. I don't enjoy days where we're overstaffed and underworked and I feel useless standing around for the last 45 minutes of work.

I do, however, enjoy days where I get permission to leave 45 minutes early at the request of a friend in need.

I'll tell you what's beautiful...when you get a message from a friend (whom you generally rely on for support, comfort and encouragement) asking if you can find some time in your evening to spend with them because *they* need one or more of the above.

It's funny how sometimes a miserable day can turn really great knowing that you have someone out there who will be there when you need them...and also someone who might need you to be there once in a while, too.

The best part of my day wasn't simply getting out of work early or having my dinner bought for me (although I do quite enjoy spinach dip)...the best part was a mere hour and a half tossed spontaneously between work and previous engagements to just...be.


"She thought of me..."
- a quote from my brain for probably the first 20 minutes of my drive home

mid-movie phonecalls, just to check in...

Tonight, I decided, would be a chill out night. I got home from work at 4:30, and after writing an email for dad and checking out a few things, I retreated to the basement to find something to watch. I used to have Mondays off in New Zealand and I would spend the entire day watching Animal Planet and reading on the couch. I miss those days. So it was fun when I saw that my favourite Animal Planet show (Animal Precinct) was on when I turned on the tv this evening...

Mom and dad decided that they were going to go over to the Tav to partake in the St. Patty's Day all-you-can-eat corned beef and cabbage buffet, accompanied by fairly large quantities of green beer.

Jacquie decided she wasn't in the mood for crowds, drunks or cabbage.

So I ordered some chicken wings, picked them up and brought them back home. I returned to the basement, where the movie "Gone Baby Gone" was just about to start on PPV. I planned on watching it a bit later but decided there was no better time than then. It was pretty good, but there was a lot of swearing. I planned to do my homework afterwards, but decided against it when I realized it would require thinking and motivation. I just wanted to have a brain-dead time where I didn't have to read music or use creativity or learn things or prepare things or just...just think. I'm pretty sure it was a good decision, because people need that once in a while. Next on my agenda is just setting aside one night where I go see a movie in the theatre. I haven't seen a whole lot that's sparked my interest lately but then again I haven't sat in front of a tv to see any movie trailers lately so I wouldn't even know what's out there. But I hope that one night this week or next will actually be set aside as "Jacquie's Night Out" without any place that I *need* to be or an agenda to keep to. We'll see how that works out...

I may, however, regret doing nothing for 5 hours straight because I don't often sleep well after spending so much time unoccupied. I feel drained and tired but my brain isn't used to losing this much thinking time so I wonder if it'll stay shut down when I take off to my room in a few minutes.

I feel a grumpy week coming on, to be completely honest. Tomorrow is Elliott's guitar lesson and that's just fine...and Wednesday doesn't have anything to fill it so far (which means likely cutting pipes)...but Thursday is going to be a long, grumpy day. 8 straight hours of work and 4 hours of practice, followed by minimal sleep and having to be back at the church at the crack of dawn.

Hmm...if only there were a magical place somewhere out there in the distant land of Caledonia with a spare bed. If only someone loved me enough to spare me an hour's drive and therefore give me the gift of an extra hour's sleep. Perhaps this someone would share my love of Gilmore Girls...and coffee...and chocolate...and beautiful, hyper dogs who ruin "indestructible" Kongs...

If only there were such a place. And if such a person existed, I might be tempted to pay them back with my undying love and/or oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. But we all know what would matter more, really... :)

Okay, so this pathetic attempt to appear undeniably adorable has drained me of whatever energy I had left before posting this entry.

With that I bid you 'auf wiedersehen'.
(I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne...yes?)
(No.)


On a random, final note...I finally ran into the word "chutzpah" in writing. At first I didn't know what it was and actually pronounced it phonetically in my head. Then I realized what it actually was and thought it would be neat to somehow use it in a sentence today. No such opportunity arose, sadly.

Chutzpah. What a fun word.

Yes, it's definitely bedtime.

sleeping in...

I know that last week I posted an entry stating what a beautiful thing waking up can sometimes be. However, when one is rarely handed the opportunity to sleep in, one begins to realize that it truly *would* be a beautiful thing to get even a couple hours of extra sleep.

What bites me is that my weekends mean waking up even earlier than the rest of my week, and after the crap sleep I had last night, a 7:00 alarm was not a very welcome sound.

A small piece of good news is that our GYC meeting is cancelled, but it's only small because it doesn't make my day's schedule any lighter. It only means that I will be at Good Friday practice for the full amount of time rather than only half of it. And it also kind of bad because the death of a family member amongst our group is the reason we're cancelling the meeting, so that's no good.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that I don't predict a pleasant attitude for most of today. Somehow that needs to change, most definitely.



Perhaps if we built a large, wooden badger...

sound boy who saves my butt last minute...

This morning I dreamt that Michelle Martin and I snuck into a Celine Dion concert (which was really empty) through an underwater factory/fun house. When we finally got out of the water (after almost drowning from getting confused by all the fun house mirrors) we came to a supply room with thousands upon thousands of Cineplex movie dollars. After stuffing our pockets and making note of how to get back to that room from the auditorium itself, we went in and found my family. The people sitting behind me were old friends from high school that I had absolutely no interest in interacting with.

It was awkward. I had a bit of a sleeping panic attack when Michelle really almost drowned while being stuck in a mirrored box before I somehow got her out.

You'd think I was making this stuff up, but I really have been dreaming it! For some strange reason my dreams are so vivid these days.



*this part is added after I originally wrote the post*

So I just remembered that there was actually a journey that led up to sneaking into the concert with Michelle. We were in a boat. A crappy one but it was like a big ship. And there were huge waves coming along the body of water we were sailing on. And we were parallel to the waves and we tried to keep turning the boat to cut straight into the waves to no avail.

Then all of a sudden there was some sort of crossway in the water, where there was a little path leading to an X...where the water could go into four different directions but some strange weather pattern caused fou to rise into the air and take up the all four entrances to this small X-type area and it was when we entered the whirlpool (much to my argument) on our side that we ended up in the underground warehouse/fun house.

The end... :S

having "el shadai", cassidy-style stuck in my head...

Well last night at small group, we did a recap through our list of things to pray for at the end of the study, as we always do. And a name came up that I had recognized from the previous year...someone we had been praying for and I had made a whole bunch of connections from the last name and realized that so much has changed since the first time we prayed for her (Wendy had it written down that April of last year we prayed for her). It was really great to see how God answered that prayer and to think that she didn't know we were praying for her.

It made me realize that there are a lot of people out there that I pray for (and that we pray for in small groups and with friends at at church) who don't realize it and we see God working in their lives, and I'm one of those people. To think that there are people out there praying specifically for me when I don't know it's happening is a really neat thought, because I see how prayer is answered for others who aren't aware of the praying and it hits me that it happens to me too. I shared that with the group last night after we prayed and it seemed a bit of a smile came upon each person's face when they thought about it.

It was pretty great.


I have a very busy weekend coming up - tonight I have to cut some more pipes and make a bunch of phone calls. Tomorrow morning is youth band practice (first time officially practicing, although we don't even have anyone to run sound), then tomorrow afternoon is our Blast-Off birthday party. I still need to arrange food for that (nut-free food...try finding baked goods that say nut-free...ARGH!) and buy a present and pick up people who need rides. I'll get home just in time for bed and then I'll wake up just in time for sound check and practice before church on Sunday. Then straight to my GYC meeting, then late for my Good Friday Production practice, and then home to die for the night.

I'm not looking forward to this weekend at all. I can't wait until May is over, to be completely honest with you. Then nothing but Blast-Off for a few weeks and then baseball. And a break.

Sort of.


I did have something very interesting happen today, though...I went onto Facebook and on my home page, saw that my status had somehow been changed to,
"Jacquie likes to pick her nose and eat it...yummy..."

It made me wonder...who could have snooped around my computer messing around with stuff? The only person who's used my laptop without me there is Kerry...but SURELY she was too busy finishing off that Ministry Appreciation invitation to find the time to hack into my Facebook account?!

late night emails...

At home with the Spice Girls, but all of them gone except Mel B, who's been given the task (by the other girls) to make dinner and re-write a song in a different key (because this one doesn't feature the soprano-ness of Emma's voice). But there's a man there, also...one that needs a talk about self esteem and attitude, for some reason. As Mel is cooking (I'm not sure what it is at this point), she says to him,
"You know, when I quit drinking is when I got real crazy and out there."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah...and d'ya know why?"
"Hmm?"
"To lift my spirits, mate. But it's mostly just a defense mechanism."
(this term seems to come up in my vocab a lot lately)
Anyways, a few seconds into the convo, I slide my rolling chair over to the window because I see there's a traffic jam on the tiny country road that the house is on and there are water trucks with blue lights (umm snowplows?!) and sirens trying to pass everyone because a house 3 doors down is burning down.
Mel is just finishing off her spaghetti, mashed potatoes and peanut butter sandwiches for dinner (?!?!?!) when I jump to my feet because I all of a sudden think it's my brother's friend's house...and my brother is OVER there. I run outside and try to dial his number on my cellphone to find out if he's alive, swearing and crying as I try to get past the police tape in the burning house.
"Hello?"
"Where's Mike! This is my brother's cellphone, where is he?!"
"He's around here somewhere but he's being a jerk right now and not talking to any of us."
"I DON'T CARE IF HE'S A JERK; I CARE IF HE'S ALIVE! IS HE ALIVE?!"
"Yes he is...Jay's in the backyard waiting for him but he won't come outside."
(this is the moment when I realize that Jay's house is two houses further than the one that's burning down)
"WELL TELL HIM I SAID TO GET OUTSIDE AND BUNJEE JUMP, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"
(?!?!?!)
I go over to the house, where Jay has a bunjee cord set up on the back of his porch and is trying to get Mike to go outside and try it but Mike's angry at Jay about something that happened earlier (I think it involved another bunjee jump). He comes out of the house and says,
"Jaq, I told you he doesn't have it hooked up properly."
He ties the chords to his feet and jumps - I hear a loud crack and Mike swearing. I move to a place where I can see him standing on the ground, 20 feet away from the railing holding the cord limp in his hand as it's still attached to the porch.
"He's got it set for 20 feet and it's only 7 feet to the ground, Jaq. I'm not going to do this anymore."

Then I woke up.
And realized that I just killed my brother in my dreams, now too. Twice in one dream, had he actually tried to bunjee jump head-first from a 7 foot high porch.

What drugs am I on?!

pvc chippings in my hair and clothes...

Today was quite a productive day, I think. Well, except for the whole "spending 8 hours at work" part of the day, but whatevs.

As I was about to leave work, I called dad asking if he'd stoke up the wood stove in the garage so we could work on a big crazy project for a couple of hours. He said it was warm enough that we didn't have to do that, but asked if I could bring home pizza for dinner.

Blaaagh. Ok sure, dad.

So he ate. The smell of the pizza in my car on the way home was quite nauseating, so I couldn't eat. And besides, I was too pumped about everything I had planned to do tonight.

Cutting pipes. Tuning. Using a chop-saw for my first time, EVER. Hoping that we weren't going to waste too much. Hoping it wouldn't take forever. Hoping I wouldn't take my hand off with the blade. We cut and flat-tuned 12 pipes, enough for 1/3 of the project. It's going to be a long haul, but it's looking like I won't hate life as much as I thought I would while trying to do this. Then again, this could be the easy part and I just may feel like using the chop saw for horrible things in a week or two. But for now, I feel quite handy. And it's fun hanging out with dad.

Then the more daunting task of coming up with a general invitation design for an event coming up soon. Not planned by me, but I offered to help with the design since I like doing that kind of stuff. However, I'm always really picky and hard on myself and find I'm not as professional as I'd like to be. And it was really intimidating that I've never seen an invite for the previous events and that I'm really afraid to look silly or let people down if they're not as "cool" as is sort of expected from me. I've nailed down a few of my favourites but to me it's a really vulnerable place offering something I've created for the approval of someone else, and it's kind of scary. I really do think I have a horrible fear of rejection or looking stupid.

(But don't let that stop you from being honest with me - I'm pretty sure I can take it from you.)

:)

random pictures of me popping up on facebook...

I really like looking back at a few cheesy pictures from my freshman year at CBC...I haven't done that in a while and I think I might. I have to get my hands on a scanner to put up some of those super fun pictures that make me cry.

Speaking of which, I just remembered now that today is my Jesus birthday. Five years old. What an appropriate time to have someone just plaster up a few pictures from the very year that I found Jesus.

I don't have a lot to say today, really. I don't feel like I've had a super-eventful couple of days. Work has been slow. I've been trying to work on this silly instrument that is going to take so much longer than I anticipated. We're so blessed to have a carpenter working with us, who's seen pictures and knows what material he needs and will be building frames from home as soon as I give him a height and spacing to work with.

I haven't been praying as much in my car, but I still don't turn the radio on. It's just quiet. I feel sometimes that I never need music in the background because I've got a musical playing in my head. When I say musical, I mean I've always got a song there but I'm also always thinking about stuff going on in my life - things I need to do, planning, plotting, and just sometimes smiling on the inside. The fact that these thoughts are accompanied by the music in my head is the reason I call it a musical. I quite enjoy it but at night it doesn't easily shut off. Still many thoughts. Still many plans and smiles. Many songs. It's difficult falling asleep.

I don't expect I'll be busy at work again today.

And OOOHHH crap, speaking of work...I just remembered I told Lori I'd meet her at 9:30 to help her make pizzas for this thing at the church!!!

Well, let's see if Jacquie can make it to Caledonia in 10 minutes! Hehe...

three days until my 5th Jesus birthday...

- pink and orange and blue and purple sunsets
- flipside boys keeping their green facepaint on long after church is over
- unexpected silliness in the clarinet section
- flutes, snyders and lisps
- answered prayer
- stars and dots that don't stick
- wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings

...these are a few of my favourite things!

"See? I *am* listening."

Sometimes when I pray for things, I think they're too little for God to pay attention to. I think it's sort of a waste of time praying for them and kind of roll my eyes as if to say "yeah, like You've got time for that...feel free to disregard that one".

I asked God that if it were at all possible, to have Nicki's new baby boy come earlier than the Youth Conference weekend (when she's actually due) so that I wouldn't be checking my cellphone every two seconds and worrying about having to take off and leave. And because Jayden was super late, people kept saying that, if anything, she'll be late again. Or right on time. I just hoped that for my sanity's and nerve's sake, she would have him long before the weekend so that I could just enjoy the weekend and not have to leave early.

Answer: Turns out Nicki has gestational diabetes, which means that the baby is getting too big, too fast. It means that they were going to schedule an induction two weeks before her due date. BUT since she had a C-Section with Jayden, they actually have to schedule another C-Section so it's guaranteed that the baby will be born within 2 hours of going into the hospital. So, she's definitely going to be having the baby early!

Today I went into Hamilton to find a book and some supplies for Flipside. On the way home, I wasn't looking forward to the drive on #54 so I mentioned to God that since I'm in no rush, it would be really great if I had a snowplough in front of me to make the drive much smoother than it was coming into town.

I was definitely right behind one the whole way from Caledonia to the road that I'm staying on.



Just a few little answers to little prayers...as though God's trying to show me that He really is listening.

waking up...

It isn't often I would ever cherish waking up in the morning. In the past, when I've had my typical bad dreams and recurring nightmares, I've just mostly been relieved to wake up and realize there really isn't a lion after me or a T-Rex skeleton stalking outside the closet I'm hiding in...the stress goes away and I go back to sleep. I don't think much about it.

The past two nights I've had a couple rather unpleasant dreams that I was glad to have woken up from. If either of them had been real, life as I know it would change drastically. However, the reality of both of these dreams one day coming true - in a way - is a very real possibility.

Thursday evening I had been praying and asking God if He'd be able to help me accept the possibility of one day losing a friend to another part of the province, country, or world. There isn't any real threat of this happening in the *near* future, but one of these days one of us may not be in the area anymore. That night I dreamt that she told me she was leaving and that *I* had helped her make that decision. It was a real test of whether or not I could accept her leaving. I don't think I would have passed had I not woken up.

This morning, I dreamt that my mom, dad and I were sitting on the couch watching tv and I had my laptop on my lap. For some strange reason we had a jug of water sitting on the table, perhaps for refilling glasses or something. All of a sudden, somehow the jug of water was spilled on my dad and I don't know if it was my laptop or another electrical device nearby, but it electrocuted him! I was running trying to call the ambulance ("we can be there in 40 minutes, ma'am...") when my mom shrieked, realizing that my dad's shirt had been fused to his skin and the situation was definitely more serious than any of us had realized (or than dad's annoyance had let on). All of a sudden, I'm at church and no one really knows but we're all back at the gym in MPSS and there's a few people whispering as I'm just sitting alone and quiet in the audience. There was quite a big production going on and all of a sudden, Phil Botting speaks up from the stage saying that he isn't exactly certain of the situation, but to pray for the person in this church whose had a family member die. It's not like he was led by the Spirit to say it - I remember someone leaning over and whispering to him to tell him that my dad was dead and I guess he felt it necessary to announce it in the middle of the church production. I have a few snippets in my memory about being at work and trying to go on normally but just not functioning. And at night, when sitting at home (Kerry's basement?) watching tv with my housemates (Frank, Devon, Jen from work?) I held the pillow that dad always leaned on and started laughing hysterically - and it turned to uncontrollable weeping. I cried out "I just can't believe he's dead. This was his spot. These were his favourite pillows" and because I had started out laughing, all the room mates started laughing as well until they realized I was serious. They hadn't known what happened.

I know that he won't be around forever, but I'm not ready for him to go yet. It was at that moment in my dream when my numb hand woke me up and I actually cried, thankful that I could wake up from that horrible place and still have my daddy for a little while longer.



B-e-a-utiful People:
- "Martha" Mother
- Dad-O
- Brother Bear
- Mentor. Friend. Big Sister.
- Nephews (born and unborn; even if not related)
- Western BFF's
- Down Under Kiddies

learning a lesson as i write...

I phoned the water company yesterday morning because I was afraid that if I both had a shower and put in a load of laundry, I would run out of water and burn out the pump and ruin life and break something big and expensive and I don't want that to happen.

So I got a phonecall back saying that they would be here today, and that I should leave the money for the load between the doors or by the cistern. But it was an absolutely desperate laundry situation, since Blue decided that 6 pairs of my dirty underwear would be a nice mid-day snack. I decided that it would be pointless to shower if I didn't have clean underwear, so I opted to wash a uniform on the lightest wash setting possible, as not to run out of water.

When I was sitting in the car this morning waiting for the truck to leave, though, I realized that it was so silly for me to go unclean for 3 days afraid to run out of water when I should have just called them a few days ago. Funny how we take something so simple for granted - and God was reminding me of that while waiting to get out of the driveway. We treat water as though we have a right to it. I mean, yeah, it's sort of a necessity in life but we act like we can use as much of it as we like with no consequence. Calling the water truck and waiting for them to bring it to me seemed inconvenient enough but think about those around the world who rely on a water supply contaminated with...well I don't even want to go there. It breaks my heart.

Anyways, it was kind of cool when I later found out that a friend was also learning about taking things in life for granted. Just a random thought there. I like water and I'm surprised that I've spent the last hour sitting on the computer rather than taking a long hot shower after days of feeling grungy.

In other news...time for a good ramble.

I often look back on my blog postings and think I've got very little to say with a lot of shallow and fancy padding. I have this defense mechanism called silliness, and I use it when I feel most out of place or unfamiliar with my situation or surroundings. I am always afraid to make a fool of myself by accident, so instead I decide to intentionally make a fool of myself and give the impression that I could care less what people think of me.

This isn't the case at all.

I have tried, in the past, to actually convince people who think they truly know me that - in reality - I'm shy and insecure with the feeling that I have very little to offer in life. Not many people believe me. Some say that if that's the truth, there still has to be some of the real me somewhere in the person that I portray. I often get typical compliments at church about my musicality or my giftings with youth but I don't take them to heart because it just feels so shallow at times - the people who say those things to me obviously don't know the real me. All it takes to be me is an aspiration towards mediocrity. I do things to the very minimum and then dress it up with a little rockin' or a quick joke.

The point I'm trying to make through this tangent is that it isn't often I feel like I've got a lot to contribute. But today I was completely floored when a good friend complimented my blogging. I honestly was a little flustered and I don't remember exactly what was said except the words "inspired" and "witty", and I drove to work wondering what had just happened.

I feel like when I write, I don't have much to say. Whatever does get said normally goes through a rigorous proofreading and editing because that's just one of the only anal qualities I've got. I liken my thoughts and writing to my ability to play almost a dozen instruments and minister to youth - it just takes a good dose of jazzed-up mediocrity to be in my head.

But what was probably meant to have been a casual comment in passing turned out to be something so encouraging to me. Finding out that what I have to say affects someone who I deeply respect completely made my day. I may be able to offer something after all, even if only my reflections on the beautiful things and people God has blessed me with.

This also helps me to understand, a little, how a little girl would want to cut her bangs just like me. Or how a group of three boys can feel special with a simple secret handshake or a nickname I've given each of them.

Something I do or say that seems so simple to me might mean the world to them...

Something that might've seemed so simple and insignificant to Kerry meant the world to me...

I suppose the lesson God's trying to teach me is that even if I'm not perfect, being a simple encourager or an arm around the shoulder or a listening ear is all I need to be to make a world of difference in a person's life.

small group tonight...

Today I am forced to think about beautiful things in life because the past few days haven't been so beautiful.

Let's just be honest here. I hate snow. I hate it with the fiery passion of a thousand burning...well, I may not want to continue that sentence because the version I use isn't so nice.

Well with this stupid snowstorm that came two nights ago, and with me housesitting in the country where winds and drifting makes for a very unpleasant shovelling experience, I woke up to a very annoying morning. But it was soon to be aleviated just a little when I decided that it would be impossible to actually get to work right away in the morning, so I spent the whole morning just catching up on a lot of youth conference work. But then the time came when I saw the snowplough come by and I figured I would give getting out of the driveway another shot.

And I got stuck in the drift at the side of the road. Luckily the nice neighbours next door saw me frustrated and came over with a shovel and some elbow grease and got me out in about 5 minutes or so. But on my way home I decided to try to gain enough momentum, again, to get back onto the other side of the drift and into the driveway.

No dice.

Stuck again, and this time feeling very very sick. So I left it and made a note to wake up early enough to call dad over so his van could push me into the driveway so I could shovel the drift away and be set to go for work today.

So I went to bed. At 6:30 pm. With a lot of medicine in my body and the intention to just nap off my headache and nausea. I woke up at 1:00 am. Well the nap felt good but I wasn't looking forward to struggling through sleep for the rest of the night. However, it worked out that after an hour and a half of MSN chatting and writing an email or two, I fell back asleep around 3:00, straight through until 8:00, when I called my dad. I felt refreshed but not looking forward to the shovelling ahead of me.

I worked on the driveway for half an hour by the time dad got here...he pulled over to the side of the road and...slid into a 2" snowy ditch on the side of the road. So now did we not only have to try to get MY car unstuck, but his giant rear-wheel-drive van that's slid sideways into a ditch.

Oh joy.

My car came out easily with a bit of shovelling and a lot of salt, but we'd run out of salt while trying to get dad out of the ditch. Happy days arrived when the nice people next door came back out with a tow rope and a 4x4 and dad has a trailer hitch. They pulled him out in no time at all and after making sure I could get BACK out of my driveway, dad left.

Number of times dropped cellphone out of pocket while shovelling: 4
Number of times dropped keys the same: 2
Number of icy patches ran into, leaving shovel-handle shaped bruises in stomach: countless
Number of times rescued by friendly Jewish neighbours: 2
Number of swear words normally out of my mouth during this time: 24+
Number of swear words actually out of mouth: 4
Total hours slept in one night: 11
Amount of water left in cistern: < 1 L
Number of showers in past 3 days because of above: 1 (I feel gross)

I really dont' want this to be a yucky day for me. Think of something happy...oh YAY now I have a title for this post...

temperatures in the positive...

So I've been praying about my job situation and for God to make it really clear if there's something else I should be doing. I've been not looking for other jobs (except a quick browse on the job bank website a couple of days ago, with nothing interesting standing out), but today I got home from work after praying in the car and there was an email from CIBC in my inbox.

It was from the stand-in assistant manager for the branch I've always worked at, asking me if I'd be willing to work Fridays and Saturdays from April until February.

Now, this means that I could work 13 hours per week at the bank (two full banking days) and get a few bucks more than two full Pizza Pizza days (16 hours). It would mean having an ACTUAL day off during the week, which is something I don't really get right now.

Now, the down side.
There are a lot of bad habits that developed and grew while working at this branch. I've been trying my best lately to kick them and it kind of scares me that I'll have a much harder time keeping disciplined while working there. It also means a farther drive. And having to decide what to wear, but it could give me a good opportunity to actually dress girly for once, which could be a good thing AND a bad thing.

I just got another email telling me that I would be getting EXACTLY 13 hours per week, just as I had mentioned two paragraphs up. Is this the clarity I was asking for?

I told them I can probably make it work, but they have to find out something from someone else first before they can officially offer me the hours. I asked for an estimated amount of time and she said until February - which comforts me a bit because I didn't want to go taking myself off of Fridays and then finding out a few weeks or months later that the bank didn't need me anymore.

They'll let me know tomorrow. I have to pray a LOT because I'll probably have to give them a final answer before Thursday or Friday.

If anyone is reading this, it would help a lot if you could pray about this, too. I want to do it but the question is, should I?

"my daughter got bangs because you have them..."

I think today, God's focus was to affirm and encourage me as a whole person. Not as a pizza cook or as a youth leader or as a friend or daughter or whatever...just as an entire person, created by Him for a purpose. Three times today I've had someone express an appreciation or admiration about me and with me feeling so down on myself this past while it's really put things into perspective.

There's a cheesy, cliché email I used to get forwarded to me all the time that had encouraging one-liners in it like:
"Someone's thinking about you right now."
"Someone wishes you would notice them."
"You're the center of someone's world."
"Someone considers you a role model."
Today sort of reminded me of that email, as though God was sending it to me without the use of a computer screen or password protected inbox.

A couple parents and siblings of my Flipside kids (Jacquie's first day!) said that the boys really like me and that as long as I'm going to be their small group leader, they'll be excited to come to Flipside every week. I'm really glad that I can teach them about Jesus and have fun with them. I look forward to next week and all of the weeks to come, and it encourages me that they do too.

Then another mother told me that her daughter asked if she could have her bangs cut "like Jacquie does" and "swoop them to the side, too". This girl is fairly young and she always finds me to give me a hug every week at church...and although it might seem kind of insignificant and silly, it made me feel kinda fuzzy thinking that this girl looks up to me so much. Especially when I certainly don't feel worthy of that kind of admiration. It was beautiful.

And tonight I shared with a young lady my intentions to make her my prayer focus for the month of March and asked if she had anything specific that she would like me to keep in mind. She said that she was really glad I'd be praying for her because she feels she really needs it lately. I think what made me feel great about this is that God is so cool - it was only a simple nudging from Him that said "she's the one, kiddo" and it turned out to be perfect. And the fact that she was appreciative and a bit vulnerable with me about specific prayer requests is a huge encouragement to me.

AND this isn't something that someone said to me, but let me just point out right now that I prayed COMFORTABLY and without hesitation today with not ONE, but TWO separate groups of people. And I wasn't even asked to do it - I just did. And it wasn't as scary as it normally is. And I wasn't paying attention to what people might think if I said something that sounded silly or if I fumbled over my words because it doesn't matter. God knows.

The pastor talked about a song at church today...and it was a song that carries negative memories and feelings for me. I was quite happy to never have heard this song since being back in Canada, and yet he brought it up. And then of course the worship team played it. I initially closed up and shut down, but then remembered the words that Samuel January spoke to me:
"The key is not to close up to something BECAUSE of circumstances, but EMBRACE it in SPITE of circumstances."
I sang the song. And I cried. And of course, it was followed by another song that breaks me everytime. And I cried. And it was good.

I still don't know, though, if I'm ready to take communion again. I never feel ready.
Something to consider...

music, music, music...

My week has been filled with great music. Most of it secular but the mellow kind that just makes me smile and want to nap in front of a cozy fireplace. I have a renewed appreciation for the power of just one singer playing a guitar or piano, but I still get chills when I hear a full orchestra accompanying a classically trained opera singer. Of course it doesn't hurt when the singer's voice melts my heart.

I've also had to start choosing songs for the youth band to play for AWE, which is coming up in a month. We were supposed to have our first practice today but had no chord sheets to start with so instead I've spent the evening emailing and downloading and listening to the songs I've got chosen so far. I often forget the power of worship through music when I'm the one on stage, worrying about making mistakes or keeping the drummer in time - and I've said it many times before that in the past, I've felt convicted of worshipping the music itself and not the One who created music. It's easy (almost second nature, for me) to slip right back into that sin without realizing it. When the band really gets it together and we approach a dramatic part of the song and nail it, I often give a hearty "YEEEEAH!" but does worshipping my Father give me that kind of satisfaction? I'd love to say that the shouts are for Him, but that would be a lie. I simply love the music.

So far, for AWE, the songs I've chosen are:
1. Made to Worship - Chris Tomlin (how appropriate)
2. Yesterday, Today and Forever - Vicky Beeching (I tried introducing it a few years ago and it wasn't given much chance to catch on...very great song)

I think these two songs have significant meaning for me right now. One is that no matter how messed up life gets and how I wander off, God remains God and He is unchanging (yesterday, today and forever...). The other, of course, is that my purpose in life is to glorify the Creator. I was made to worship. It's something that needs to be tattooed on my brain or something coz I forget THAT pretty easily, too.



Aside from all this, I've had a great chance to read and do a bit of outlining for my next assignment for school. This book on mentoring is actually pretty interesting and I'm often having to stop and think "That's exactly what I feel/fear/wonder/desire/hope for." It's intriguing, exciting and intimidating all at the same time.

It means 100%...
Honesty about issues, struggles and temptations.
Acceptance that neither I nor my mentor are capable of perfection.
Openness to loving guidance and correction.
Vulnerability. (I used to advocate this when I first became a Christian. I now avoid and even fear it.)
Accountability.

To sum it up so far, the book says:
Mentoring is a lifelong relationship in which a mentor helps a protege reach her/his God-given potential.

At first it seemed simple. Looking back on it now, it carries much more weight than I originally thought.
I've got a lot to think about.

But on the fun side, God placed another prayer item on my heart. I've decided that I'm going to stick with a fairly steady format of who to pray for month to month...meaning I'll stick to a few things about my spiritual, professional and ministerial (word?) life, and also for a close friend, and finally for a youth. But of course I can't stop praying for the "February" people so I just have to remember them while I add in a new "focus" for the month. God gave me a youth to commit to praying for this month and I think it'll be exciting.