random crackers and cheese for dinner...

I haven't found much time to post lately because of all of the hype leading up to GYC '08. I was at a point last week when I thought I could see an end in sight and felt like things weren't as intimidating as I'd previously thought. I decided that because I had done so well preparing and getting everything in order, the last 2 weeks leading up to the conference would be smooth sailing. And for about a day, it felt like that was coming true. But now it seems to all be falling apart and with me superbly PMS-ing I've had an extremely emotional week. On average, I've spontaneously started crying while reading an email, or finding out something that isn't going quite as planned, about once a day since sometime last week. I say this is on average because some nights have included 2-3 random moments whereas a day or two has been tear-free.

But tonight, even after panicking at work about how and when the PVC instruments were going to get to the church, where they were going to be stored, and how I was going to manage having a restful evening with the entire move being postponed by an hour and a half...I'm starting to feel a little more at ease. Perhaps earlier I was so emotional because I've had a migraine all day, I feel myself getting sick (sinus and throat), work was getting a little stressful by the end of the day and I'm feeling totally over worked (and unappreciated in some ways).

See, I've always been the kind of person who works best under pressure, when there's less than the required amount of time to do what needs doing. I've always been the kind of person to chill out until the last possible minute but this time I've put so much prep into the conference that all of these last minute changes, demands and snags are really stressing me out.

Perhaps this means that God has a plan to do something AMAZING and that Satan is getting pretty worried about what's in store for this conference. Who knows, really. I just know that I'm feeling worn out and beaten down and just...empty. It's like I have nothing left to give because there's barely anything left to sustain me. I know that sounds really negative but I'm just being honest here.

But tonight after I got home from hiding the instruments in the church, I read a few emails, chatted a while and made dinner (mmm warm brie on crackers). Then I went downstairs and watched Bee Movie on PPV and chilled out for an hour and a half, not thinking about anything except the pretty pictures on the TV. And my migraine's mostly gone and my tummy is happy and even though I smell like pizza and socks (ew), I'm actually feeling pretty calm. I know this is short-lived so I might as well savour it while I still can.

You know how when someone wins a game show or the lottery and when asked what they're going to do next, the winner pulls out a good ole' "I'm going to Disney Land"?

Well, on Sunday, May 4th at about 1:00 pm, ask ME what I'm going to do now that I've won the prize of free time and sanity (well, maybe only a little sanity - too much just wouldn't be me). I can guarantee that the first response will consist of only one word. It's not hard to guess what that word is but let me give you a hint...the past 2 days I've had to wake up at 7:00 to put a first and second coat of paint on each of the frames, and I'm not spending enough time winding down at night before trying to go to bed. Guess what I plan to do when this is all over...

But what excites me most is the freedom to be able to spend time with people. My brother is moving home for the summer as of this weekend and I want to hang out with him whenever possible. One of my close friends just went back to work after mat leave and it seems we never get a chance to have coffee anymore like we used to so now at least my schedule will be free enough to work around only working schedules (rather than work, youth, conference, etc). I'm looking forward to the baseball season, too. And of course, I have a brand new nephew that I plan on spending lots of time with (even though the Falls is "sooooo" ;) far away). I'm actually also kind of looking forward to be able to afford my next two classes so that I can get some schoolwork done over the summer as well.

Anyways, this has mostly been just a lot of rambling about nothing really worthwhile. The moral of the story is that I'm exhausted and emotional, but that I'm excited about the conference, but that I'm also looking forward to having some time to myself.

Now it's time to take some itchy pills, run my hands and feet under cold water and head to bed.

the miracle of life...

i don't know if i've ever been this happy about waking up after so little sleep.

yesterday i was surprised to find that someone from work was called in an hour early (by the boss) to allow me to get to the hospital to see my brand new nephew, brody, for a decent amount of time. this was such a nice thing to do and i was really happy when i got to spend 2 hours with nicki and brody instead of half an hour, which is what i was supposed to do.

i always say that there's no way a newborn baby can look "beautiful" as everyone says. they're ugly. they're squished and purple and have had their bodies forced through a hole far too small for such purposes (ew i'm going to stop thinking about that now), but i think that because brody has the advantage of being taken out by c-section, he ACTUALLY looks beautiful. well, really he looks exactly like jayden did, which still makes him beautiful. i've never held a baby that was less than a day old before, and even when nicki asked me if my arm was getting sore (it was practically shaking) and if i wanted to take a break i was like "no! MY baby!"...hehe. he's so great.

then on the way home two people called me. one was my brother asking for some feedback on a video he's editing for the youth rally. the other was from a lady who asked me to house sit starting the middle of may. w00t.

so i spent an hour and a bit fooling around with background music in the mohawk editing suites(well, watching him do it) and laughing with my bro. but mostly texting kerry. we made a plan to take a brain break (for her, from her paper) at 11 at night. ALWAYS a good time. though this is a habit that may or may not be hazardous to our health, i think it should be a regular activity to randomly hang out at almost midnight, chatting and laughing and watching silly youtube videos. instead of writing paper. or sleeping. ha.

i got home at 1:30 and didn't fall asleep until 2:30ish. i woke up at 9 wanting to die, but i'm just...happy. i hope the day stays this way, as fridays tend to get a little whacko at the store.

anyway...my pants should be about dry now and if i don't leave i'll be late again. for the 3rd time this week. and i have to pick up coffee too. ugh.

stealing silly surveys from friends' blogs...

What I was doing 10 years ago (1998)
I was in grade 10, recovering from having a plate taken out of my leg and realizing my dream to become a high school music teacher (like my hero, Mrs. Smith). I believe I was also collecting Spice Girls paraphernalia and just discovering Britney Spears.

Five things on my to-do list today
I’m going to say for tomorrow, since today’s about done.
1. Pick up coffee for Lori and I (it’s my day to bring it).
2. Email my MC’s for GYC to start giving them timeslots and content for their time on stage.
3. Work.
4. Find my tuner and start tuning that weeping tile.
5. Three words. Will. Grace. Bike.

Snacks I enjoy
1. Vegetable Thins.
2. Carrots & Dill or Blue Cheese Dip.
3. Mars.
4. Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies (w/ Milk, of course).
5. I’ve also recently acquired a taste for pistachios, believe it or not…

Things I would do if I were a billionaire
1. Animal Shelter.
2. Fly friends and family with me to NZ for a month or two – everyone should experience that country. I’d of course also fly my NZ kids back here for a Canadian tour. This would, of course, involve buying my own private jet and develop a resort in NZ.
3. Buy a new guitar, bass, drum kit, clarinet…pretty much I’d have my own studio. And I’d hire someone to professionally build me a PVC instrument for future use.
4. I’m sure I’d give a bunch to missions and/or overseas projects.
5. Pay off my family’s debts and make sure they’d never have to pay a mortgage, visa or car payment ever again.

Five of my bad habits
1. Procrastinating.
2. Two words. Fast. Food.
3. Never saying “No” (but I did just this morning! yay me!).
4. Demanding perfection of myself and those who represent me/my efforts.
5. Letting my brain keep me awake.

Five places I have lived
1. Hamilton/Caledonia, ON
2. Regina, SK
3. Calgary, AB
4. Te Anau, NZ
5. Fisherville, ON

Five jobs I’ve had
1. Teller @ CIBC (Hamilton/Regina).
2. Delivery Driver @ Chewie’s.
3. Merchandiser @ Shoppers.
4. Aquatic Plant Preparer @ All Weather Farming.
5. Pizza Cook/CSR @ Pizza Pizza.

What I’d like to be doing in 25 years
1. Sounds about the time I’ll be graduating college. Ha.
2. Inspiring and encouraging younger generations.
3. Running a self-supported independent animal shelter.
4. Grandchildren right about that time? Hey, it can happen.
5. Still making time for coffee dates with my friends and mentor(s).

faux-hawks, camo sunglasses and being a cool aunt...

once again i've completely overbooked myself for a weekend. i won't be able to sleep in (or sleep much at all, considering jayden won't sleep in his own bed tonight) because i have to bring jay home with enough time to get back and work on a routine for GYC. then i've committed to foster relieving for the weekend. and there's blast off that i haven't prepared for yet. and tellering. oh goodness.

but although it's been tiring and draining, i've had a good day with jayden. i always forget how much of your time and attention a child takes up. it gives me a new apprecation for all moms. at this point i can't imagine not being able to lag behind with people at the end of church or events, because my child needs to go to bed or get to hockey or something like that. i can't really look forward to blue playdoh and cheesie fingerprints on my white shirts, or juice spilled or tantrums because i won't let my 3 year old kid carry his own full plate of food from the buffet. i don't have a very good attention span, but when i want to pay attention to something i don't want to keep having to turn around and (for the thousandth time) ask him/her to please stop shouting randomly and rolling around on the ground.

and although it's kind of funny and cute, when i say "i love you jayden", it isn't exactly welcoming to hear "i love my balloon!"...ha.

don't get me wrong. i love this kid. it was just a little easier (mentally, though not physically) when he didn't talk back or cause a scene trying to get his way...hehe.

but he's still young enough that even though i'm lying him down in bed, reading a story, and pulling up the covers, he still believes me when i say it's not really bedtime just because there's a movie on the tv screen. ha.

ok time for an itchy pill, a cold water rinse on the hands and to try to squeeze into my bed for a half decent night's sleep.

brown paper packages, tied up with strings...

well, i have to admit i was really nervous.

i was nervous about the fact that the youth band hadn't yet run one of their songs all the way through without having to stop at some point. i was nervous about the whole night completely failing and me looking like a complete tool in front of everyone i respect (including the one person who i've looked to as a musical genius and good friend for the past 5 years). i was nervous about the fact that the entire youth band hadn't even played a single song all together at the same time. i was nervous about the videos not working. about the lyrics not being right.

but i have to say it went pretty well. the youth band was together and got through their without getting lost or confused. lots of people showed up (some were disappointed at the numbers but i thought it was pretty good). transitions were smooth. videos worked. kids had a good time. everything went well.

yet another "i told you so" to add to the list. even though i tried to give it to God and to let Him work through it, having faith that it was going to succeed, i can't honestly say that i really did. but by the time the first couple of songs were over, i had people already thanking me and congratulating me on a job well done and the only thing i could say was "i take no credit". i believe that. i know that yes, it has been a time consuming activity, and it was worrisome and stressful at times but just like always, God pulled it together and it was fantastic.

my legs are killing me (i haven't sat down for more than 15 minutes all day). my headache is coming back. i came home knowing that i had a leftover steak waiting for me from a couple of nights ago, only to find that my parents decided i was letting it sit too long and either ate it or pitched it. the only thing that i've now eaten since lunch is a couple of burnt hot dogs on pieces of bread, simply because it was the only quick thing i could put into my body. i have to be up for work in 10 hours and i already know it's going to be tough waking up just because i'm so worn out. i am not going to stop for the next month or so and i am already overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. there are a lot of things i should be grumpy about.

and yet, i'm surprisingly content. i sort of feel the way my mom described it when she just finished a 60 km walk over the span of a weekend...it was hard. tiring. stressful. painful. frustrating. uncomfortable. but it was worth it. even though i'm going to be feeling so worn down and stressed, i know that it's going to be worth it because i already feel like it tonight.

plus, there are two really great things about today:
1. i FINALLY got my cheque in the mail from the school. not a moment too soon, either, because this past week has been a killer on my account and i don't even have gas money to get me through the next week so this is a welcome sight.
2. my beautiful nephew, jayden, is 3 today. i can't wait to spend some time with him and his mom in a couple of days.

and now it's time to take a few doses of medication, hop into bed and maybe read myself to sleep.

clean rooms, open windows and a fresh spring breeze...

i have been busy. and i have had some pretty extreme highs and lows while being busy. i've had my faith, patience, discipline and capacity to love unconditionally tested during this week and i wish i could say that i passed each test with flying colours. i wish i could say that i even scraped by on some of them.

i treat this upcoming worship event as though it were a burden of sorts...it's like a woman being in the last month or two of pregnancy when all she can say is "yeah, i'm ready for this kid to come now. just get it out of me and get it overwith." that's how i feel, in some ways.

add all that to the happenings of the last week or so and what has resulted is the appearance of frazzled and fritzed jacquie. i've mapped out what the next two weeks is going to look like and my brain and body react in a way that resembles syllabus shock in one's freshman year of college. i look too far ahead and get overwhelmed at the weight of the big picture, rather than taking it one day and one task at a time. i forget Who's really in control, here.

i've been longing for a spare couple of hours to just sit and chill out. yesterday i spent an hour finishing a book and then another half hour napping before the phone rang for me. it was nice. but today i found myself sitting on my rear since 5:00, watching a movie and feeling utterly bored out of my skull. it made me realize that i enjoy keeping myself insanely busy because it doesn't give me enough time to feel bored or to be alone with my thoughts ABOUT all the stressful stuff coming up. and now i don't feel tired at all (after all, it's only 9:15...normally i'd maybe just be getting home by now and checking/returning emails before reading myself to sleep) and i still have another two hours or so before i'd normally be asleep. and since i feel so rested from last night, i don't feel like i could sleep tonight.

that's the stupid thing about my sleeping requirements. for weeks on end i feel like i don't get enough and then the night that i can actually fall asleep early enough to get a decent amount's sleep...i wake up 2 hours early and can't get back to sleep...and then STILL feel too awake to go to sleep the next night.

then the cycle starts again.

and to top it off, i've had a nasty headache for a few days. it hasn't come back since this morning, but my neck and shoulders are aching as though my head wants to hurt.

but my week has also been encouraging in so many ways. the youth band is really coming together and sounding like a team. the pipes are 2/3 flat-cut and i'm hoping to mount the second set before this weekend. that's a big thing on my plate right now...getting this instrument tuned. and i've had other ways of being encouraged through some of my youth. i've had a few great lightbulb moments when God decided to fill me in on a bit of His plan. and i'm still pretty stoked about this whole "i have highspeed" thing. so it hasn't all been bad, or stressful. in fact, even though much of my week has been hectic and chaotic, i've generally felt pretty good about everything.

but i came to the stupid realization on friday at bedtime that i forgot to phone my kids in nz. i felt terrible.

but now i think it's time to start reading a book that was given to me almost 2 years ago to help me through a tough time. i have kept trying to start it but never got around to it past the first chapter or two. something is telling me it's time to read it, and so i am going to do that.