Well as of today, had I actually thought to pray when I got into my car this morning and after work, I would have succeeded in praying everyday at least once while alone in my car. I forgot until just now when I started posting this entry and so now that I've been reminded I will not forget.
I made a faith goal to pray for the same 4 things for the rest of the month. One was later added and then one was quickly forgotten...perhaps I need to pray in 4's because once a fifth prayer request enters one of the original four seemingly gets pushed out. Anyways, I decided I would pray for the same four things and from there it seemed the "dead time" during my drive to and from work was basically 100% taken up by prayer time. Not only would I pray for the four things, but I would be reminded of other situations that were going on that day and I would include those as well.
It's been a great experience and I found a couple of things have happened as a direct result:
1. Far less road rage. I have far more patience than some people I know on the road but I find that it's become even more improved when I remember Who's listening.
2. It really is true that the more time you spend with someone, the more comfortable you are talking to them and the better you feel you can express yourself. That's what has happened with me and God. I remember when I first started praying regularly again, I didn't quite know what to say...but now I can think of more things to "say" and "ask" and other angles from which to pray about a certain situation, rather than the empty "Uhh...and I pray for..." crap that I felt at the beginning of this commitment.
However, praying alone in my car - even though I pray out loud so as not to lose focus - hasn't helped much in the comfort area of praying out loud. I still feel a bit of pressure and silliness knowing that it's not just God listening. I've never been totally comfortable with praying around others, and although for a while I was getting much better at it, I still feel silly doing it for some strange reason. I mean, I never think anyone else sounds silly when they're doing it but I just feel like I'm not eloquent enough at some times and yet not simple enough at others. So we'll see where that takes me.
I have to work on a faith goal for March...I have to say that when I was working at the greenhouse last year I made it a point to not complain about anything and I felt I was much happier when I could control my griping. I read a magazine article once about a pastor in the states who handed out bracelets (those silly rubber Christian Crap and Jesus Junk ones) to members of the congregation who were willing to take on a griping challenge; every time someone catches themselves complaining, they would switch their bracelet to the other wrist. The goal was to keep the bracelet on one wrist for a set amount of time which seemed fairly short and easy to accomplish but when you don't realize how often you complain about something, it could take quite a lot of time to actually make it to the 3 week point or whatever it was.
Perhaps this is a good challenge for me - except that I can't wear bracelets or any form of jewellry to work so I don't know what I would use that can be consistently with me and changed around everytime I complain. And because I do my biggest complaining at work, it's imperative that I use something that can be incorporated into my working environment.
After this month is over, I was meant to celebrate and reward myself somehow to positively reinforce this behaviour. But since I'm broke and already had one of the best celebration-type events of my life last night (I think it was enough celebration to cover both my 91% final grade in DL Seminar I AND the accomplishment of my faith goal) I figure that having a house all to myself and having a chance to be alone and relax for a week is reward enough. I hope to spend this week in reading, writing, prayer and quiet time mode.
I think I'll start right now, after a good belly scratch...
...for the dog, of course. :)
29 February 2008
22 February 2008
zehrs' eclairs...
So today I found out that my grandma has been diagnosed with "Large B Cell Lymphoma". I don't know anything about it except that it's really aggressive and that she has to start chemo next week. This particular kind is often, apparently, a secondary cancer...which means that it generally shows up after another type of cancer is already present. Apparently they're going to run some more tests but who knows.
I'm not feeling so hot about the situation. I mean, I would be lying if I said that I have always gotten along perfectly with my grandma (or any member of my family, really) but of course it doesn't mean I want to potentially lose her at such a young age. She's the last of 5 siblings who have all died too young from cancer, heart disease, etc. It's scary for me to think that it's "finally" happening...a serious illness that has killed people is actually hitting me close to home. I've never had a friend or family member die yet, who was a big part of my life, and I don't want it to start now. I've been trying not to think of that, obviously, but what's the use of pretending that it's all going to go away in a snap?
I mean, I have hope. I most definitely have hope. And faith. I have to. I haven't given up on the chance that she'll be a survivor one day. I just don't know how to process everything right now, with everything happening so quickly.
The next 4.5 months is going to be pretty stressful. And my family doesn't handle uncontrollable situations well. We're overly emotional and highly prone to stress and panic. The next while is going to be a rough go.
I'm not feeling so hot about the situation. I mean, I would be lying if I said that I have always gotten along perfectly with my grandma (or any member of my family, really) but of course it doesn't mean I want to potentially lose her at such a young age. She's the last of 5 siblings who have all died too young from cancer, heart disease, etc. It's scary for me to think that it's "finally" happening...a serious illness that has killed people is actually hitting me close to home. I've never had a friend or family member die yet, who was a big part of my life, and I don't want it to start now. I've been trying not to think of that, obviously, but what's the use of pretending that it's all going to go away in a snap?
I mean, I have hope. I most definitely have hope. And faith. I have to. I haven't given up on the chance that she'll be a survivor one day. I just don't know how to process everything right now, with everything happening so quickly.
The next 4.5 months is going to be pretty stressful. And my family doesn't handle uncontrollable situations well. We're overly emotional and highly prone to stress and panic. The next while is going to be a rough go.
20 February 2008
my first lunar eclipse...
I sat outside in the frigid cold tonight for almost half an hour, waiting for the lunar eclipse to take total effect - and I've been watching since half of it was clearly visible and unshadowed. I wasn't exactly sure how long it was going to take but honestly it hasn't even happened yet. I'm pretty sure that the moon has stopped moving altogether.
Anyways, to "pass the time" so to speak, I decided it was going to be pretty cool to spend some time in prayer. First I was thinking that it's pretty great that that God created all this "stuff". It's a lot. Most of it we don't even see because it's so small or so big. And one of the first things that popped into my head while admiring the beauty of the moon was...
"Just to think, it's only a chunk of rock floating around the earth. It doesn't breathe, or see, or have a heartbeat. It doesn't have a soul."
In this great big world where I feel so small and insignificant, it seems God reminded me that he put the most effort into making man. As majestic as the moon is...it's literally just a chunk of rock in comparison to us.
That's pretty spectacular.
That's when I prayed, thanking God for making all of this. And specifically for making me. He prompted me to pray for this earth and specifically for my sponsor children and their families in Ethiopia and Ecuador. I asked God to help me remember what it felt like to be His child again. And I spent some quiet time with Him.
This is what He said to me:
1. You are beautiful.
2. You are special.
3. You are created in my image; you are who I intended for you to be.
4. You are a princess; the daughter of a King.
5. You are unique.
6. I love you.
7. I have a plan.
8. I have a purpose.
9. You have a purpose.
10. You are Mine.
I then asked Him if it was okay to enjoy the rest of the view from inside my warm, comfy room. I think He said it was alright with Him. So hopefully now that I've spent a little time trying not to watch the water boil, it will be a perfect view so I can get some sleep.
And perhaps I'll have another dream about meeting the Spice Girls, like I did this morning. But that's a little nugget for another day. :)
Anyways, to "pass the time" so to speak, I decided it was going to be pretty cool to spend some time in prayer. First I was thinking that it's pretty great that that God created all this "stuff". It's a lot. Most of it we don't even see because it's so small or so big. And one of the first things that popped into my head while admiring the beauty of the moon was...
"Just to think, it's only a chunk of rock floating around the earth. It doesn't breathe, or see, or have a heartbeat. It doesn't have a soul."
In this great big world where I feel so small and insignificant, it seems God reminded me that he put the most effort into making man. As majestic as the moon is...it's literally just a chunk of rock in comparison to us.
That's pretty spectacular.
That's when I prayed, thanking God for making all of this. And specifically for making me. He prompted me to pray for this earth and specifically for my sponsor children and their families in Ethiopia and Ecuador. I asked God to help me remember what it felt like to be His child again. And I spent some quiet time with Him.
This is what He said to me:
1. You are beautiful.
2. You are special.
3. You are created in my image; you are who I intended for you to be.
4. You are a princess; the daughter of a King.
5. You are unique.
6. I love you.
7. I have a plan.
8. I have a purpose.
9. You have a purpose.
10. You are Mine.
I then asked Him if it was okay to enjoy the rest of the view from inside my warm, comfy room. I think He said it was alright with Him. So hopefully now that I've spent a little time trying not to watch the water boil, it will be a perfect view so I can get some sleep.
And perhaps I'll have another dream about meeting the Spice Girls, like I did this morning. But that's a little nugget for another day. :)
19 February 2008
random acts of kindness...
Appearances certainly can be deceiving. When I looked outside this morning and saw a nice sunny day with no snow on the ground and dry roads, I assumed it meant it would be a mild enough day to drive to work with the windows down and my music blaring.
But alas, it was -8 when I read the digital thermometer in my car. Not fun AT ALL. But that's life in February I suppose. Instead I turned the music off and prayed the whole way to work.
Last week I made a faith commitment to pray every day for the same 4 things (soon to be upgraded to 5) everytime I was alone in my car for the rest of the month. So far I've not done too badly...there was one day there when I wasn't ever in the car alone but I think I prayed as I was going to bed.
However, it turns out that I've forgotten one of the things I committed to praying for. I know it was about me, but I've completely lost what it is...unless of course I've somehow integrated it into the rest of the praying somehow without realizing it but I'm drawing a blank, presently.
I remember when I was at CBC in Regina, my next door neighbour in the dorms had a prayer wall. She had post-it notes with various prayer requests scribbled all over them and three categories to put them under:
1. Answered
2. In progress
3. Unanswered
She specifically kept the third one there, although it remained empty. It was not only to remind her of what she should be praying for, but also that God doesn't ever NOT answer prayers. He just doesn't necessarily answer them the way we want him to. I thought that was pretty cool.
One thing that God pointed out to me today was to have patience. Of course, I wasn't quite listening to Him until after the fact but I find I'm not as patient as I should be with some of the people at work...specifically the one(s) who are newer and therefore need a little extra guidance. I am going to work on that tomorrow.
Tomorrow and Thursday will require copious amounts of patience. Lori's in court with her husband about a settlement and I'm working alone with the boss all day, both days. Not my idea of a grand old time but it's a good chance for 'character development'.
But that particular phrase carries negative connotations with me - just like "God's been telling me...", and all because of my NZ experience.
But I also learned something from a very wise man named Samuel January when I was in Te Anau...he said that in some cases, instead of saying that we're going to close our minds and hearts to something "because" of a certain circumstance, we should be willing to embrace and be open "in spite of" them.
Three things to embrace and open myself to, "in spite of" past circumstances:
1. Character Development
2. Leading from the Lord
3. Manifestation of the Spirit
I've got a lot of work ahead of me...
But alas, it was -8 when I read the digital thermometer in my car. Not fun AT ALL. But that's life in February I suppose. Instead I turned the music off and prayed the whole way to work.
Last week I made a faith commitment to pray every day for the same 4 things (soon to be upgraded to 5) everytime I was alone in my car for the rest of the month. So far I've not done too badly...there was one day there when I wasn't ever in the car alone but I think I prayed as I was going to bed.
However, it turns out that I've forgotten one of the things I committed to praying for. I know it was about me, but I've completely lost what it is...unless of course I've somehow integrated it into the rest of the praying somehow without realizing it but I'm drawing a blank, presently.
I remember when I was at CBC in Regina, my next door neighbour in the dorms had a prayer wall. She had post-it notes with various prayer requests scribbled all over them and three categories to put them under:
1. Answered
2. In progress
3. Unanswered
She specifically kept the third one there, although it remained empty. It was not only to remind her of what she should be praying for, but also that God doesn't ever NOT answer prayers. He just doesn't necessarily answer them the way we want him to. I thought that was pretty cool.
One thing that God pointed out to me today was to have patience. Of course, I wasn't quite listening to Him until after the fact but I find I'm not as patient as I should be with some of the people at work...specifically the one(s) who are newer and therefore need a little extra guidance. I am going to work on that tomorrow.
Tomorrow and Thursday will require copious amounts of patience. Lori's in court with her husband about a settlement and I'm working alone with the boss all day, both days. Not my idea of a grand old time but it's a good chance for 'character development'.
But that particular phrase carries negative connotations with me - just like "God's been telling me...", and all because of my NZ experience.
But I also learned something from a very wise man named Samuel January when I was in Te Anau...he said that in some cases, instead of saying that we're going to close our minds and hearts to something "because" of a certain circumstance, we should be willing to embrace and be open "in spite of" them.
Three things to embrace and open myself to, "in spite of" past circumstances:
1. Character Development
2. Leading from the Lord
3. Manifestation of the Spirit
I've got a lot of work ahead of me...
mild winter days with the window rolled down and music blaring...
For the past little while I've noticed myself becoming one of the most negative people I know. Ranting and swearing and complaining to my closest friends, and just displaying my mood to the rest of the world through my eyes. I'm not the kind of person who can easily cover up with I'm grumpy.
I'm grumpy a lot lately. And thinking about who I've "become" on the inside led me to think about a girls group that I used to lead in our church, called "Becoming" - and it made me realize that this attitude is certainly not very "becoming" of me at all, is it?
It's ugly.
And in some ways, being an extremely self concious person, I feel like I don't have a whole lot of beauty to waste and therefore I better get it together and make up for the lack of beauty, otherwise, in my life.
I have a private blog where I bitch and moan and whine. Since I know it's prettymuch invisible to the world I somehow think it's okay to completely let loose and leave all verbal and emotional beauty behind. And it's not necessary.
But my last public blog ended up being mostly a lie to the world, so I'm not going to promise that just because it's open for anyone to read that I'm going to sugarcoat or censor it 100%. But there are ways of expressing myself which are more appropriate and hopefully I will learn patience and wisdom and discipline through this.
The title of each entry will not be the subject of what's to follow, but I hope more to make it a place where I name one beautiful thing for the day.
Speaking of discipline, I'm now going to be about 5 minutes late for work so I should probably head out.
Let's see where this goes...
I'm grumpy a lot lately. And thinking about who I've "become" on the inside led me to think about a girls group that I used to lead in our church, called "Becoming" - and it made me realize that this attitude is certainly not very "becoming" of me at all, is it?
It's ugly.
And in some ways, being an extremely self concious person, I feel like I don't have a whole lot of beauty to waste and therefore I better get it together and make up for the lack of beauty, otherwise, in my life.
I have a private blog where I bitch and moan and whine. Since I know it's prettymuch invisible to the world I somehow think it's okay to completely let loose and leave all verbal and emotional beauty behind. And it's not necessary.
But my last public blog ended up being mostly a lie to the world, so I'm not going to promise that just because it's open for anyone to read that I'm going to sugarcoat or censor it 100%. But there are ways of expressing myself which are more appropriate and hopefully I will learn patience and wisdom and discipline through this.
The title of each entry will not be the subject of what's to follow, but I hope more to make it a place where I name one beautiful thing for the day.
Speaking of discipline, I'm now going to be about 5 minutes late for work so I should probably head out.
Let's see where this goes...
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