today i find myself home for my day off...with a stuffy nose and sore throat that i've had since last week. it hasn't really blown up fully but i feel like i've been "starting" to get this cold for way too long and i'm hoping it's actually going to go away before it gets any worse.
i've been doing nothing but watching consecutive episodes of bones for the past 7 hours or so, because i feel like this is more of a sick day than a day off. fluids. medicine. "lots of tv", as my pediatrician used to prescribe for colds.
as i was heading into a dark room to turn on a tv for desperate housewives last night, i instinctively looked down and let my eyes adjust to the darkness before moving forward. i know she's gone but it's hard to break a habit that i've had for 12 years. today when i went to the washroom and left the door open, i realized that this is my first day at home alone since the day after stella died. normally she'd come to visit me while i'm peeing, looking for a scratch and someone to pay attention to her. i can still put my hands at the exact height off of the floor to pet her head.
when i got out of the bathroom, i took a trip to the mantle where the ashes and katherine's sketch of her are. her collar is there now, as well as her leash. the collar still smells like her. that scent of oil and staleness that comes with being a long haired dog in the country, even though mom bathed her only a few days before she died.
i'm finding myself crying again...but not out of regret or from blaming myself this time. it's not because of the shock of changing back to normal life. the cats are comfortably eating on the floor, and i can feed tess for a few days at a time at once if i'm going to be away without worrying that the food will be gone before the hour's up. no, i'm not crying because of any of that.
this time, it's just because i miss her.
when i made a plan to blog about certain areas of my life that have been crazy this year - before i turn 26 - i wanted to avoid writing about the "bad" stuff and concentrate on all the blessings from this year. but i just had to get this out of my system today, i guess. so consider this my one entry about the "bad" stuff of my 25th year.
13 October 2008
breakfast for lunch, leftover dinner for breakfast...
Almost a year ago, I was having what I called a 'mid-life crisis' while dreading the impending doom of the big 25. I felt like my life was half over, and that this is about the time I should find myself a mustang and an affair. I wasn't looking forward to whatever it was that 25 years on this planet had to offer me.
Well it's been a crazy year. I'm almost 26 now, which is basically going to be the last time I can say that I'm even in my "mid" twenties. But I'm not feeling so awful about it as I did last year. I think it's because this year has been so dramatic and extreme in regards to major events in my life up to this point.
I decided a few weeks ago that I should write a summary of my 25th year of existence. Mostly because I feel that I have done so much more than merely 'exist'. True that I haven't felt like the hugest success or like I've got a specific purpose, but this has been a year of wonderful and dreadful miscellany and it feels like it's the first time I've actually taken a chance. Lived. Dared to dream. Did something extreme. Felt inspired. Felt at all, in some cases.
So over the next little while I'm gunna mostly be talking about what I've learned this past year. The best way to do that is for me to make a list of all of the life-changing happenings from this year, both good and bad. The neat thing is that I already know that my 'good' list is way longer than my 'bad' one.
So just to get it out of the way, let's start with the 25 year yucks:
- Grandma finds out she has cancer in February
- I get fired for the first time in my life in June
- Stella has to be put down in September
- I begin a serious crisis of calling in regards to my future profession
But more importantly, here are the 25 year 'yay's:
- Ladies Retreat last November; the start of my forgiveness journey
- Kicking habits; having to re-kick a few times
- 5 pregnancies; 2 babies already; 4 more on the way
- Included in above: Brody Roland McKay - my gorgeous and now-6-month-old nephew
- Development of creative projects (OMG, Kesia's wall)
- Discipline Development; prayer life
- Realizing that I don't need to be perfect to be a mentor; walking alongside two girls as teenage life throws them some pretty serious curveballs
- Becoming an honourary Rack Pack member, helping with fundraising and planning for the WE2EBC, and being part of the unexpected perks that just happened to tag along with it (CDJ, Broadcast, Chicks Night Out, etc)
- The Higgins. Discovering new talent; making new friends.
- Great concerts in general - CDJ (Canada Day Jam, not Carolyn Dawn Johnson), Higgins, BMG, Sugarland
- Joining the WE2EBC last minute; intense fundraising; shaving head; being reminded that God is in control of EVERY part of my life
- Executing the WE2EBC; challenging my limitations; changing the way I look at and think about myself.
- A taste of clarity: Boys, boys, boys.
- Internship at Gateway; completely new ministry experiences
- New and wonderful friendships in unexpected people and places (for my own memory - ladies retreat gals, leanne, jocelyn).
This is about all I can think of for now, but I'll probably come back and add a few on here and there. I know that the entire entry is inconsistent in tenses and all that junk but this is just my outline that I plan on working from. So gimme a break. Those of you who would give me a hard time know who you are. :)
So today is Thanksgiving Monday, which is sort of an appropriate day for me to have made a list of everything crazy that's happened this year because I've unexpectedly given myself a chance to be thankful for everything that is on this list. Even the bad stuff. Coz with the bad stuff comes great memories, a sense of hope and the peace that everything has a purpose and even something good comes out of the junk that life has to toss at us sometimes.
I'm sort of glad that I didn't sleep well all night and that, as a result, I woke up too early for a holiday. I was gunna try to force myself back to sleep but I felt like I needed to get up for something. Last night I read back on ALL of my blogs since I started this thing and so this morning I felt inspired to get started on this summary.
So here you have it. For now. Hopefully this means I'll have shorter, more frequent posts rather than the gargantuan ones I've been writing as a result of letting everything build up.
Well it's been a crazy year. I'm almost 26 now, which is basically going to be the last time I can say that I'm even in my "mid" twenties. But I'm not feeling so awful about it as I did last year. I think it's because this year has been so dramatic and extreme in regards to major events in my life up to this point.
I decided a few weeks ago that I should write a summary of my 25th year of existence. Mostly because I feel that I have done so much more than merely 'exist'. True that I haven't felt like the hugest success or like I've got a specific purpose, but this has been a year of wonderful and dreadful miscellany and it feels like it's the first time I've actually taken a chance. Lived. Dared to dream. Did something extreme. Felt inspired. Felt at all, in some cases.
So over the next little while I'm gunna mostly be talking about what I've learned this past year. The best way to do that is for me to make a list of all of the life-changing happenings from this year, both good and bad. The neat thing is that I already know that my 'good' list is way longer than my 'bad' one.
So just to get it out of the way, let's start with the 25 year yucks:
- Grandma finds out she has cancer in February
- I get fired for the first time in my life in June
- Stella has to be put down in September
- I begin a serious crisis of calling in regards to my future profession
But more importantly, here are the 25 year 'yay's:
- Ladies Retreat last November; the start of my forgiveness journey
- Kicking habits; having to re-kick a few times
- 5 pregnancies; 2 babies already; 4 more on the way
- Included in above: Brody Roland McKay - my gorgeous and now-6-month-old nephew
- Development of creative projects (OMG, Kesia's wall)
- Discipline Development; prayer life
- Realizing that I don't need to be perfect to be a mentor; walking alongside two girls as teenage life throws them some pretty serious curveballs
- Becoming an honourary Rack Pack member, helping with fundraising and planning for the WE2EBC, and being part of the unexpected perks that just happened to tag along with it (CDJ, Broadcast, Chicks Night Out, etc)
- The Higgins. Discovering new talent; making new friends.
- Great concerts in general - CDJ (Canada Day Jam, not Carolyn Dawn Johnson), Higgins, BMG, Sugarland
- Joining the WE2EBC last minute; intense fundraising; shaving head; being reminded that God is in control of EVERY part of my life
- Executing the WE2EBC; challenging my limitations; changing the way I look at and think about myself.
- A taste of clarity: Boys, boys, boys.
- Internship at Gateway; completely new ministry experiences
- New and wonderful friendships in unexpected people and places (for my own memory - ladies retreat gals, leanne, jocelyn).
This is about all I can think of for now, but I'll probably come back and add a few on here and there. I know that the entire entry is inconsistent in tenses and all that junk but this is just my outline that I plan on working from. So gimme a break. Those of you who would give me a hard time know who you are. :)
So today is Thanksgiving Monday, which is sort of an appropriate day for me to have made a list of everything crazy that's happened this year because I've unexpectedly given myself a chance to be thankful for everything that is on this list. Even the bad stuff. Coz with the bad stuff comes great memories, a sense of hope and the peace that everything has a purpose and even something good comes out of the junk that life has to toss at us sometimes.
I'm sort of glad that I didn't sleep well all night and that, as a result, I woke up too early for a holiday. I was gunna try to force myself back to sleep but I felt like I needed to get up for something. Last night I read back on ALL of my blogs since I started this thing and so this morning I felt inspired to get started on this summary.
So here you have it. For now. Hopefully this means I'll have shorter, more frequent posts rather than the gargantuan ones I've been writing as a result of letting everything build up.
11 October 2008
all i need is a full tank of dreams, and You beside me...and somewhere to go...
well, if there were ever any clearer of a confirmation in my life, i think it would be the happenings of tonight.
i'm tempted, at this moment, to slip into self pity and start believing all the crap about myself that i often do...but i've had more than one person tell me lately that i always put myself down so i'm taking a different approach.
i've always wondered why it is that no man has ever fought for me. my initial instinct is to think that i'm simply not worth the fight. but i know i am, and i know that God has a reason and a purpose for everything - even raised hopes that seem to turn up fruitless.
today sort of felt like a bad first date. if i had been put on some sort of reality tv dating show, many of the circumstances that might pop up in the thought bubbles and random information would all show red flags all over the place. i was willing to look at it and call it the first date jitters, and give it a little more time to feel more natural.
but instead, the general consensus was that we had to work too hard to feel like a potential couple. i mean, i'm not pushing all the blame on everyone but myself because i know that i was a lot less comfortable than i'd normally be in this type of situation...but where i thought just a little more fight might be needed, he feels that although i'm worth fighting for, he just doesn't see himself putting up the fight.
this whole time i've felt like he's putting himself so out of the way, and i guess i thought maybe it meant that he was fighting for me. we've been in this place before where he's wanted to try it and i've resisted...but now i was willing to give it a try because it seemed he was fighting for me.
but he's not willing to fight for me. and i'm not saying that out of bitterness or trying to make him look like the bad guy, coz it's not like that at all. but now that i think about everything tonight, all i can think about is the issue surrounding him not fighting for me.
there are a few things that i've talked to God about, and a few items on my "wish list" in regards to whatever guy He's got for me...there are a few small things that matter a lot more to me than i thought, that i realized tonight. but my one "big rock" item that i've felt really needs to be there is that he has to fight for me. and just because right now, *this* guy is not willing to fight for me, it doesn't make him the bad guy. it just is, i think, God's way of making His will clear to me at this point in my life. i asked for clarity, and i got it straight on and unsweetened...which i'm grateful for, in a way.
kinda sucks, because i wanted this to work out and the fact that we've both come back to this "us" thing so many times over the past few years sort of had me convinced that perhaps we should be trying to make it work. but if it's not in God's will for now (or maybe ever), then i've gotta trust Him.
kinda feel like a bit of an idiot, though...i was so giddy and excited all week but it sort of turned out feeling like a flop. now i've gotta friggin explain it to everyone who asks me how the weekend went. gah.
...okay, this is me trusting You. what now?
i'm tempted, at this moment, to slip into self pity and start believing all the crap about myself that i often do...but i've had more than one person tell me lately that i always put myself down so i'm taking a different approach.
i've always wondered why it is that no man has ever fought for me. my initial instinct is to think that i'm simply not worth the fight. but i know i am, and i know that God has a reason and a purpose for everything - even raised hopes that seem to turn up fruitless.
today sort of felt like a bad first date. if i had been put on some sort of reality tv dating show, many of the circumstances that might pop up in the thought bubbles and random information would all show red flags all over the place. i was willing to look at it and call it the first date jitters, and give it a little more time to feel more natural.
but instead, the general consensus was that we had to work too hard to feel like a potential couple. i mean, i'm not pushing all the blame on everyone but myself because i know that i was a lot less comfortable than i'd normally be in this type of situation...but where i thought just a little more fight might be needed, he feels that although i'm worth fighting for, he just doesn't see himself putting up the fight.
this whole time i've felt like he's putting himself so out of the way, and i guess i thought maybe it meant that he was fighting for me. we've been in this place before where he's wanted to try it and i've resisted...but now i was willing to give it a try because it seemed he was fighting for me.
but he's not willing to fight for me. and i'm not saying that out of bitterness or trying to make him look like the bad guy, coz it's not like that at all. but now that i think about everything tonight, all i can think about is the issue surrounding him not fighting for me.
there are a few things that i've talked to God about, and a few items on my "wish list" in regards to whatever guy He's got for me...there are a few small things that matter a lot more to me than i thought, that i realized tonight. but my one "big rock" item that i've felt really needs to be there is that he has to fight for me. and just because right now, *this* guy is not willing to fight for me, it doesn't make him the bad guy. it just is, i think, God's way of making His will clear to me at this point in my life. i asked for clarity, and i got it straight on and unsweetened...which i'm grateful for, in a way.
kinda sucks, because i wanted this to work out and the fact that we've both come back to this "us" thing so many times over the past few years sort of had me convinced that perhaps we should be trying to make it work. but if it's not in God's will for now (or maybe ever), then i've gotta trust Him.
kinda feel like a bit of an idiot, though...i was so giddy and excited all week but it sort of turned out feeling like a flop. now i've gotta friggin explain it to everyone who asks me how the weekend went. gah.
...okay, this is me trusting You. what now?
5 October 2008
"friend - not fan"
i found out on friday that there was a christmas special being taped for cmt today...and that the higgins were going to be guests on the show...and that there were a few open spots in the audience, so to contact "this person" to reserve seats. i was apparently too late coz i got an email back saying there were no seats left.
so i emailed eileen, asking if the band was allowed to have a "guest list" and if they'd be amazing enough to let a poor schmuck like me get in on this action.
long story short - eileen phones me last night saying we won't know until this morning. she phoned me this morning saying we were in. so dana (a fellow rack packer) and i headed to toronto, getting horribly lost on the way (from brampton...i dunno, don't ask me how).
so we showed up an hour and a half late, but all we'd missed is a bunch of choir shots (an all girls choir. young girls but very good!) and part of tara oram's set. i ran right into eileen as soon as we got into the theatre and said a quick hello before she had to take off backstage.
to make another long story short, we heard a total of four songs in 6 hours...there was lots of repeating the songs to get different camera angles and stuff...make up and hair fixing in between takes, etc. it was a loong day and the only way i stayed sane was from the anticipation of seeing the higgins do their own thing (they sang in another song with the whole cast right after tara's set but i wanted to see them in action).
so anyway...i got lots of pics that i posted on facebook, as well as a bunch of videos from the rehearsals, etc...we hung out a bit at lunchtime and then when their set was done, we waited for them to come out to find out what the plans were for the rest of the night. dana had to go home (and was my ride home...uh oh) but they asked if i wanted to come back to the hotel for dinner and drinks. so i did - and insisted that i'd find my own way home. after all, their hotel was right across from union station so it wouldnt' be that hard.
so we went out for dinner at the epic restaurant in the royal york hotel...a little pricey but the pub we were hoping to go to was closed (go figure - it's sunday). had a great time, lots of laughs and took a bunch of crazy pictures. i got to know them as people and they shared a few stories and ins-and-outs of the music industry. dinner was even paid for by cmt. i'm still blown away at the fact that they thanked me for hanging out with them, and that they considered me more of a friend than a fan.
hanging out with them reminded me why i was so drawn to them in the first place - the fact that they are so real and genuine. they're down to earth and friendly and just want to do what they love. they're human. and they are doing their best not to let it get to their heads. it's admirable.
all in all, it was a great day. i had to skip the run for the cure but i promise i'll walk 5 km on my own sometime in the next week.
next time they're in town, hopefully we can do something like this again but we might take the chance to play some music together if time is on our side. :)
so i emailed eileen, asking if the band was allowed to have a "guest list" and if they'd be amazing enough to let a poor schmuck like me get in on this action.
long story short - eileen phones me last night saying we won't know until this morning. she phoned me this morning saying we were in. so dana (a fellow rack packer) and i headed to toronto, getting horribly lost on the way (from brampton...i dunno, don't ask me how).
so we showed up an hour and a half late, but all we'd missed is a bunch of choir shots (an all girls choir. young girls but very good!) and part of tara oram's set. i ran right into eileen as soon as we got into the theatre and said a quick hello before she had to take off backstage.
to make another long story short, we heard a total of four songs in 6 hours...there was lots of repeating the songs to get different camera angles and stuff...make up and hair fixing in between takes, etc. it was a loong day and the only way i stayed sane was from the anticipation of seeing the higgins do their own thing (they sang in another song with the whole cast right after tara's set but i wanted to see them in action).
so anyway...i got lots of pics that i posted on facebook, as well as a bunch of videos from the rehearsals, etc...we hung out a bit at lunchtime and then when their set was done, we waited for them to come out to find out what the plans were for the rest of the night. dana had to go home (and was my ride home...uh oh) but they asked if i wanted to come back to the hotel for dinner and drinks. so i did - and insisted that i'd find my own way home. after all, their hotel was right across from union station so it wouldnt' be that hard.
so we went out for dinner at the epic restaurant in the royal york hotel...a little pricey but the pub we were hoping to go to was closed (go figure - it's sunday). had a great time, lots of laughs and took a bunch of crazy pictures. i got to know them as people and they shared a few stories and ins-and-outs of the music industry. dinner was even paid for by cmt. i'm still blown away at the fact that they thanked me for hanging out with them, and that they considered me more of a friend than a fan.
hanging out with them reminded me why i was so drawn to them in the first place - the fact that they are so real and genuine. they're down to earth and friendly and just want to do what they love. they're human. and they are doing their best not to let it get to their heads. it's admirable.
all in all, it was a great day. i had to skip the run for the cure but i promise i'll walk 5 km on my own sometime in the next week.
next time they're in town, hopefully we can do something like this again but we might take the chance to play some music together if time is on our side. :)
3 October 2008
dreams that come true...
it's easy for me to sit down with a kid or a teen and help them understand how much God loves them and has a purpose for them, no matter how un_______ or not _________ they feel. i help them to realize it, and i truly believe it for them. i even show that in my personal prayer life - i do pray for myself but not to any deep levels. i believe that in the lives of my friends and family, God is there and He is active and i truly believe that He will heal them, teach them, and fulfil the desires of their hearts. He's shown Himself to me in the answers to prayer for these people. but i don't see it in my own life. i pray for clarity, for peace, for a sense of significance, and for wisdom. i feel like i don't get it.
but i realized today that i don't feel that because i don't believe it for myself. sure, i pray these things but they're so cut-and-paste and wimpy, lacking in passion and in a way it makes me think that i'm not convincing God that i truly want those things. when i pray for healing for a hospitalized woman, i pray with fire and passion...and i see her get better and back on her feet in ways no one could ever imagine. when i pray for the hope of a miracle where hearts have been broken more than once, i pray with desperation and a longing plea...and one day, God says 'yes'.
i obviously don't take credit for these things - i know that there are many people who have been praying for such things in the lives of so many others and He has answered. and it's so encouraging and it makes me want to celebrate and jump for joy...but mostly it makes me cry (ha, what a surprise).
but the prayers i pray for myself are weak. i wonder if the reason i don't feel fulfilled is because i haven't actually expressed the true desires of my heart with the same fire, passion, and longing the way i have when praying for others.
perhaps i feel selfish by asking for my own satisfaction in life.
perhaps i don't feel like i deserve whatever it is i'd ask for.
perhaps i just don't know if i truly, honestly believe that He'd answer.
in any case, i'm kinda sick of feeling like i don't have a specific purpose in my life that's been made clear for me. i don't necessarily feel or experience God's love the way that i should or want to.
but is it because He isn't dishing it? or is it more because i'm not allowing myself the opportunity to let Him in?
but i realized today that i don't feel that because i don't believe it for myself. sure, i pray these things but they're so cut-and-paste and wimpy, lacking in passion and in a way it makes me think that i'm not convincing God that i truly want those things. when i pray for healing for a hospitalized woman, i pray with fire and passion...and i see her get better and back on her feet in ways no one could ever imagine. when i pray for the hope of a miracle where hearts have been broken more than once, i pray with desperation and a longing plea...and one day, God says 'yes'.
i obviously don't take credit for these things - i know that there are many people who have been praying for such things in the lives of so many others and He has answered. and it's so encouraging and it makes me want to celebrate and jump for joy...but mostly it makes me cry (ha, what a surprise).
but the prayers i pray for myself are weak. i wonder if the reason i don't feel fulfilled is because i haven't actually expressed the true desires of my heart with the same fire, passion, and longing the way i have when praying for others.
perhaps i feel selfish by asking for my own satisfaction in life.
perhaps i don't feel like i deserve whatever it is i'd ask for.
perhaps i just don't know if i truly, honestly believe that He'd answer.
in any case, i'm kinda sick of feeling like i don't have a specific purpose in my life that's been made clear for me. i don't necessarily feel or experience God's love the way that i should or want to.
but is it because He isn't dishing it? or is it more because i'm not allowing myself the opportunity to let Him in?
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