well, if there were ever any clearer of a confirmation in my life, i think it would be the happenings of tonight.
i'm tempted, at this moment, to slip into self pity and start believing all the crap about myself that i often do...but i've had more than one person tell me lately that i always put myself down so i'm taking a different approach.
i've always wondered why it is that no man has ever fought for me. my initial instinct is to think that i'm simply not worth the fight. but i know i am, and i know that God has a reason and a purpose for everything - even raised hopes that seem to turn up fruitless.
today sort of felt like a bad first date. if i had been put on some sort of reality tv dating show, many of the circumstances that might pop up in the thought bubbles and random information would all show red flags all over the place. i was willing to look at it and call it the first date jitters, and give it a little more time to feel more natural.
but instead, the general consensus was that we had to work too hard to feel like a potential couple. i mean, i'm not pushing all the blame on everyone but myself because i know that i was a lot less comfortable than i'd normally be in this type of situation...but where i thought just a little more fight might be needed, he feels that although i'm worth fighting for, he just doesn't see himself putting up the fight.
this whole time i've felt like he's putting himself so out of the way, and i guess i thought maybe it meant that he was fighting for me. we've been in this place before where he's wanted to try it and i've resisted...but now i was willing to give it a try because it seemed he was fighting for me.
but he's not willing to fight for me. and i'm not saying that out of bitterness or trying to make him look like the bad guy, coz it's not like that at all. but now that i think about everything tonight, all i can think about is the issue surrounding him not fighting for me.
there are a few things that i've talked to God about, and a few items on my "wish list" in regards to whatever guy He's got for me...there are a few small things that matter a lot more to me than i thought, that i realized tonight. but my one "big rock" item that i've felt really needs to be there is that he has to fight for me. and just because right now, *this* guy is not willing to fight for me, it doesn't make him the bad guy. it just is, i think, God's way of making His will clear to me at this point in my life. i asked for clarity, and i got it straight on and unsweetened...which i'm grateful for, in a way.
kinda sucks, because i wanted this to work out and the fact that we've both come back to this "us" thing so many times over the past few years sort of had me convinced that perhaps we should be trying to make it work. but if it's not in God's will for now (or maybe ever), then i've gotta trust Him.
kinda feel like a bit of an idiot, though...i was so giddy and excited all week but it sort of turned out feeling like a flop. now i've gotta friggin explain it to everyone who asks me how the weekend went. gah.
...okay, this is me trusting You. what now?
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