I officially have a new best friend and she doesn't even know who I am.
I have spent more time in the presence of Lorelai Gilmore in the past month than I have with my own family, any of my best friends and even with the majority of my coworkers. I would call Rory one of my best friends as well, except that she's become stupid all through Season 5 and I'm not much of a fan of hers anymore.
My life is a lonely one, obviously. I'm housesitting and going INSANE with this puppy who randomly gets excited and jumps on me, licking furiously, if I perhaps blink too enthusiastically. She's had 3 accidents on the floor and it's not at ALL because of any lack of letting her outside, as it seems I do it "just in case" every half hour or so.
I like housesitting but I've come to the conclusion that I should never live this close to my workplace. Ever. I've been over there randomly in the middle of the night at least 3 times and once during the day since being here at the house. It's bad. I just seriously have no friends. That's the ultimate conclusion that I've come to.
I've had very little progress in the way of deep thoughts lately. No more butterfly signs have stood out to me...there's only been one sign put up in front of that church since the butterfly one and it says "THIS IS MY FATHER'S WORLD" in the spirit of Father's Day. Nothing inspirational to me, to be honest. I haven't spent much time praying, either.
Oh man speaking of praying and God and stuff, I've gotta remember to hit a bank machine tomorrow morning. I'm trying this new tithing thing since I've never actually done it before (I've never felt it completely necessary to tithe directly to the CHURCH because there are many ways to give back to God's kingdom, financially but apparently I was wrong in that belief) so we'll see what happens. I mean I'm not sitting there EXPECTING anything to happen but...yeah I dunno. I just know I should be doing it and I've been thinking about it a bit this week and it's probably time to get on it. But that also requires remembering to have cash on me when I'm on the way in to church. Weird. I'm not the kind of person who remembers these things. Sure, I'll remember to stop for coffee on the way because it seems that I can't survive a day without it. Funny how that works.
Along the lines of coffee...last weekend my parents went for breakfast with their friends and I tagged along. In fact, I got to the restaurant first and saved a table for everyone and accepted an offer for coffee. When my parents got there, they looked thoroughly confused when I answered that yes, it was in fact coffee sitting in front of me. Coffee has been a morning staple in my life for at least the past year and they didn't know that?! It's weird that there's this whole area of my life about which my parents are completely clueless, because it's never lived in front of them. As far as they know, I'm still the Jacquie that doesn't even need to be offered coffee anymore because she always turns it down. What they don't realize is that I only turn down coffee after dinner. I'm not awake when they have their morning coffee otherwise I'd join them...but I won't drink caffeine around that time of night because I already have a hard enough time sleeping when I'm not hopped up on caffeine. So that was a little strange...having my parents wonder when their daughter started drinking coffee, since I hadn't for almost my entire life.
Since tomorrow is the first day of having one church service and therefore I can't sleep in as late as I would like to (since I would likely have been going to the 11:15 service if it were a normal day), I should be trying to sleep right about now. Last night I was up WAY too late watching WAY too many television interviews with Lauren Graham on YouTube...and then my stupid internal clock woke me up at exactly 9 am this morning and I couldn't get back to sleep. And I realized about an hour and a half ago that I have a headache. Boo.
Oh but wait, I forgot to mention the dress incident. Prettymuch all it includes is the fact that I bought a dress a couple of weeks ago and it's super cute. No one forced me to buy it and I didn't have any special occasion to buy it for. But I decided to wear it when working at the bank yesterday and it was sooo fun. I did my hair in a poof and put the rest of it in a clip and had wedge sandals on and everyone at the bank kept saying how cute it was. :) I actually agree, which isn't something that happens often.
Anyways, the end. Time for a cold foot soak(argh why do I keep forgetting my allergy pills?!) and nappy time.
15 June 2008
sweet, sweet freedom...
I, as of one hour ago, am officially free of youth ministry responsibilites for at least a whole year and two months. I love that I've gone from having commitments for worship, tellering, flipside, blast off, mentoring, youth conference, work, baseball, guitar lessons...to only having work, guitar, baseball, sporadic worship and mentoring...none of those are a huge deal and all are both enjoyable and easy.
I'm going to like this. But I'm afraid I'm going to like it too much and that I won't want to go back to it...the kids were kind of upset about it tonight when I told them, though, and it makes me want to reconsider my decision for a brief moment.
On another note, tonight was a Lazermania night for the Blast Off kids and the Flipside graduates. There were 13 kids there and we had a lot of fun. Buuuut I was a little disappointed with myself because the guy who was working there was SO polite and sweet and was making sure the kids were having fun. It was like it wasn't just some stupid weekend job for him that he needed to feed his addictions or pay his baby mama. He cared that the kids were generally smaller and younger than most of the people that come in there. He made the extra effort to hand out scorecards to every person and reimburse the kids who left early, even though they didn't stick around for their free passes (he gave them to me to give to them).
I left him a tip at the end of the night and although he tried to fight it, I insisted. I was going to leave it wrapped in my scorecard and I'd actually written my email address on the card but at the last moment I chickened out because his coworker came just at that moment. UGH. I'm kinda bummed about it because really what harm would it have done? Worst case scenario? He doesn't email me. He emails me and says something really hurtful? I can't imagine it considering he was so nice to the kids and went out of his way even to find the super awesome popping planes that all of us wanted but he seemed to be out of...
I don't imagine he was much older than 20, if that...which might've been another reason I was hesitant. I forget that I'm offically in my "mid" twenties, not my "early" twenties and probably shouldn't be attracted to the college freshman type.
I just wish I'd taken a chance. Boo.
Well, now all that's left to do is wash my uniforms and take a few aspirin to take care of this "I'm completely out of shape and have been running around in the dark shooting kids with loud music playing - and haven't eaten anything for dinner except a grape soda and a bag of doritos" headache...I looooooove freedom!
I could've looooved that laser tag boy. Stupid Jacquie the chicken.
And on one last random note, it kind of saddens me that it's still like 2 and a half weeks until the first Friday of July...
I'm going to like this. But I'm afraid I'm going to like it too much and that I won't want to go back to it...the kids were kind of upset about it tonight when I told them, though, and it makes me want to reconsider my decision for a brief moment.
On another note, tonight was a Lazermania night for the Blast Off kids and the Flipside graduates. There were 13 kids there and we had a lot of fun. Buuuut I was a little disappointed with myself because the guy who was working there was SO polite and sweet and was making sure the kids were having fun. It was like it wasn't just some stupid weekend job for him that he needed to feed his addictions or pay his baby mama. He cared that the kids were generally smaller and younger than most of the people that come in there. He made the extra effort to hand out scorecards to every person and reimburse the kids who left early, even though they didn't stick around for their free passes (he gave them to me to give to them).
I left him a tip at the end of the night and although he tried to fight it, I insisted. I was going to leave it wrapped in my scorecard and I'd actually written my email address on the card but at the last moment I chickened out because his coworker came just at that moment. UGH. I'm kinda bummed about it because really what harm would it have done? Worst case scenario? He doesn't email me. He emails me and says something really hurtful? I can't imagine it considering he was so nice to the kids and went out of his way even to find the super awesome popping planes that all of us wanted but he seemed to be out of...
I don't imagine he was much older than 20, if that...which might've been another reason I was hesitant. I forget that I'm offically in my "mid" twenties, not my "early" twenties and probably shouldn't be attracted to the college freshman type.
I just wish I'd taken a chance. Boo.
Well, now all that's left to do is wash my uniforms and take a few aspirin to take care of this "I'm completely out of shape and have been running around in the dark shooting kids with loud music playing - and haven't eaten anything for dinner except a grape soda and a bag of doritos" headache...I looooooove freedom!
I could've looooved that laser tag boy. Stupid Jacquie the chicken.
And on one last random note, it kind of saddens me that it's still like 2 and a half weeks until the first Friday of July...
7 June 2008
cotton candy in my armpits. fast food and gilmore girls...
Just on the way home from Caledonia today, I did a lot of thinking. Not only did I realize that I completely ditched one of my past professors and her family for dinner that we were supposed to plan for "sometime in May", but I got to thinking about my view on ministry and where I stand as a future pastor or "director" or whatever people want to call it these days.
But first, let me just start by admitting that, in the spirit of Lorelai Gilmore - starving and stuck in a B&B - I am now about to "eat the fuzzy Certs", so to speak. I remembered sometime around 3:00 this afternoon that I'd forgotten some leftover Chinese in the back of my car overnight and for the entire stupidly humid day. I just got home and I'm fully eating an incredibly scorching version of it (in the attempt to kill the many bacteria that had a chance to form and multiply over the past 22 hours or so) but only somewhat enjoying it. Sad. One of these days, I will find a fuzzy Certs, though...and oh will I ever eat it. :) Just to be like my hero.
Speaking of heroes and greatness and inspiration...I've come to realize that there are some new awesome and wonderful names that I must give my children. I think it's incredibly ironic that I've always raved about only having boys, but I can't - for the life of me - think of any cool boys names. I can only come up with girls. Anyways...I'm finding that for at least every girl I've planned to name (I think I've got about 4-5 sets of first and second names, at this point), each one of them has at least one "K" name. Now this wouldn't come across as anything abnormal to most people, but for those who truly know me it will come as quite a shock, as I am known for thoroughly disliking the letter "K". What's also ironic is that my best friend, my mentor, my protege and a couple more of my wicked fun and super close friends all have names that start with this letter. It's like God's trying to toy with me...taking all the stuff I don't like or refuse to do and either shoving it in my face or forcing me to do it. I realize that of course He'd never "force" me to do anything but you know what I mean at least.
Okay, now back to my drive home.
It was mentioned to me that there is a temporary youth ministry job opening in another part of the country, and that I should "go for it". It would, in many aspects, be the ideal place for me to be. I would at least have two people that I know and love who would not only be my friends, but likely help to coach me. I could learn a lot from them. I would be gaining experience and stepping into the world of professional ministry (makes it sound kind of like the WWE) for a short time with a visible ending so that whether things are going well or poorly, there's an "out" (always important for someone like me, though I apparently have to work on losing the "screw it" mentality). I could start being a grown-up (oh please, no) and trying to intentionally find my place in this world (where am I, anyways? maybe i should stop and ask for directions).
BUT I didn't even give it a second thought. My answer, even to the hypothetical situation, was no. Just no. Not "absofrigginlutely not", or even "no way, I can't do it". Just...no.
Why the eff not?!?!
I'll tell you why, because this is what I found out while driving home. I have been forever (or at least a substantial period of time) kicked off of my high horse when it comes to my youth-ministry greatness. Before I even finished my first year of Bible college, I was already looking for a summer job in youth ministry. I was considering asking my church about a paid internship so that a) the church would have a youth person and b) I could gain experience as well as cash for my next year. I headed up a team of people leading youth events in other parts of Canada, and felt that even though I wasn't always organized, I could handle it. I was a natural. The program wasn't important. The numbers weren't important. The fact that there were kids being impacted and reached for Christ in a way that they truly felt it was important. I didn't need structure. I didn't need a budget (after all, Blaine took care of signing all the cheques no matter what we asked for). I didn't need an entirely good-sounding worship team. I didn't need an "appropriate atmosphere". I just wanted to be the kids' friend. Whatever needed to be done was going to get done, with or without preparation or God's help. It was just going to be fine. I was the youth ministry rock star in the eyes of my peers, my church, my professors, my friends and myself.
Then I learned that the higher you are, the harder you fall. The more puffed up your chest is, the louder the pop when you get stabbed. I went from being the hero to the zero (oh goodness I didn't even plan that) and no matter what anyone says, I don't think I'll ever believe otherwise. I was left to my own devices in an unfamiliar world and I failed. I don't want that to happen again. Why put myself back in a position where I'm vulnerable to crash and burn all over again? I didn't like the way it felt the first time, thank you very much. I've already told myself that the only reason I'm finishing this BA is to be able to feel like I've actually finished something that I started. I want to close that door and move on...but I still don't want to completely shut the idea out of my mind that ministry might be the place for me. Maybe because I feel God still calling me, or maybe because I feel the external pressure from people who "believe in me" and who "know that this is where I belong".
I'm not afraid of failure, though. I'm afraid of heights. I'm sick of the tears that seem to have only hidden themselves away in the furthest part of my brain, rather than disappeared. I thought I'd gotten past this. But it's nothing that even has to do with the external happenings in NZ...now it's all me. I've given up blaming others for the pain because at this point it's all up to me to let it go and grow from it. But, as always, I don't know effing HOW to do that.
And then I was confronted by a sign. Yes. A sign in front of Zion Church in Kohler that always has those silly cliche christian crap sayings to try and make people think about Jesus. I always chuckle or scoff when I see them.
Tonight it read:
"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."
I'm still a caterpillar, aren't I? I sure as heck don't feel like a butterfly...
But first, let me just start by admitting that, in the spirit of Lorelai Gilmore - starving and stuck in a B&B - I am now about to "eat the fuzzy Certs", so to speak. I remembered sometime around 3:00 this afternoon that I'd forgotten some leftover Chinese in the back of my car overnight and for the entire stupidly humid day. I just got home and I'm fully eating an incredibly scorching version of it (in the attempt to kill the many bacteria that had a chance to form and multiply over the past 22 hours or so) but only somewhat enjoying it. Sad. One of these days, I will find a fuzzy Certs, though...and oh will I ever eat it. :) Just to be like my hero.
Speaking of heroes and greatness and inspiration...I've come to realize that there are some new awesome and wonderful names that I must give my children. I think it's incredibly ironic that I've always raved about only having boys, but I can't - for the life of me - think of any cool boys names. I can only come up with girls. Anyways...I'm finding that for at least every girl I've planned to name (I think I've got about 4-5 sets of first and second names, at this point), each one of them has at least one "K" name. Now this wouldn't come across as anything abnormal to most people, but for those who truly know me it will come as quite a shock, as I am known for thoroughly disliking the letter "K". What's also ironic is that my best friend, my mentor, my protege and a couple more of my wicked fun and super close friends all have names that start with this letter. It's like God's trying to toy with me...taking all the stuff I don't like or refuse to do and either shoving it in my face or forcing me to do it. I realize that of course He'd never "force" me to do anything but you know what I mean at least.
Okay, now back to my drive home.
It was mentioned to me that there is a temporary youth ministry job opening in another part of the country, and that I should "go for it". It would, in many aspects, be the ideal place for me to be. I would at least have two people that I know and love who would not only be my friends, but likely help to coach me. I could learn a lot from them. I would be gaining experience and stepping into the world of professional ministry (makes it sound kind of like the WWE) for a short time with a visible ending so that whether things are going well or poorly, there's an "out" (always important for someone like me, though I apparently have to work on losing the "screw it" mentality). I could start being a grown-up (oh please, no) and trying to intentionally find my place in this world (where am I, anyways? maybe i should stop and ask for directions).
BUT I didn't even give it a second thought. My answer, even to the hypothetical situation, was no. Just no. Not "absofrigginlutely not", or even "no way, I can't do it". Just...no.
Why the eff not?!?!
I'll tell you why, because this is what I found out while driving home. I have been forever (or at least a substantial period of time) kicked off of my high horse when it comes to my youth-ministry greatness. Before I even finished my first year of Bible college, I was already looking for a summer job in youth ministry. I was considering asking my church about a paid internship so that a) the church would have a youth person and b) I could gain experience as well as cash for my next year. I headed up a team of people leading youth events in other parts of Canada, and felt that even though I wasn't always organized, I could handle it. I was a natural. The program wasn't important. The numbers weren't important. The fact that there were kids being impacted and reached for Christ in a way that they truly felt it was important. I didn't need structure. I didn't need a budget (after all, Blaine took care of signing all the cheques no matter what we asked for). I didn't need an entirely good-sounding worship team. I didn't need an "appropriate atmosphere". I just wanted to be the kids' friend. Whatever needed to be done was going to get done, with or without preparation or God's help. It was just going to be fine. I was the youth ministry rock star in the eyes of my peers, my church, my professors, my friends and myself.
Then I learned that the higher you are, the harder you fall. The more puffed up your chest is, the louder the pop when you get stabbed. I went from being the hero to the zero (oh goodness I didn't even plan that) and no matter what anyone says, I don't think I'll ever believe otherwise. I was left to my own devices in an unfamiliar world and I failed. I don't want that to happen again. Why put myself back in a position where I'm vulnerable to crash and burn all over again? I didn't like the way it felt the first time, thank you very much. I've already told myself that the only reason I'm finishing this BA is to be able to feel like I've actually finished something that I started. I want to close that door and move on...but I still don't want to completely shut the idea out of my mind that ministry might be the place for me. Maybe because I feel God still calling me, or maybe because I feel the external pressure from people who "believe in me" and who "know that this is where I belong".
I'm not afraid of failure, though. I'm afraid of heights. I'm sick of the tears that seem to have only hidden themselves away in the furthest part of my brain, rather than disappeared. I thought I'd gotten past this. But it's nothing that even has to do with the external happenings in NZ...now it's all me. I've given up blaming others for the pain because at this point it's all up to me to let it go and grow from it. But, as always, I don't know effing HOW to do that.
And then I was confronted by a sign. Yes. A sign in front of Zion Church in Kohler that always has those silly cliche christian crap sayings to try and make people think about Jesus. I always chuckle or scoff when I see them.
Tonight it read:
"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."
I cried the rest of the way home.
I'm still a caterpillar, aren't I? I sure as heck don't feel like a butterfly...
4 June 2008
random morning surprises...
Well this is kind of strange. I came across two startling things already in the short 12 minutes that I've been awake.
Firstly, when I was taking a new roll of TP out of our bathroom basket, I was greeted by a big black cricket sitting right on the roll and I held it up to tear some off. I kinda freaked out - shook it to the floor and and to take a second to process what just happened. Ha.
But then I came out and looked at my emails (my normal morning ritual of checking emails before even getting dressed, providing no other cars are in the driveway when I leave my room), and discovered something from a lady named Emma Williams from Schmap. The subject says "[Flickr] Schmap: New Zealand Photo Short-List". I almost deleted it but it carried too much information that is actually familiar to me, considering the photo site I used while in NZ to publish stuff for my friends back home was definitely Flickr.
In the email, I was informed that one of my photos was short-listed to be included in Shmap's second edition New Zealand Guide. If I wanted to submit my photo, "click here" and said that although I don't get cash for it, I will still have my name credited to the photo, as long as I give a name. So I gave my actual legal name - Jacqueline Fleet (rather than Kiwi Jaqs, which was what was already attached to it) and submitted it. Apparently I'll receive an email if my photo makes it into the actual final publication of the guide.
Pretty neat, eh?
Just thought I'd write about it now, before I lost the mini-excitement.
Oh P.S. here's the picture...
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