parental love and concern...

tonight i felt pretty betrayed by someone tonight. i'm watching my boys and i have always had an unnatural amount of trust and weakness for one of them. he's always been the one who tells me what the rules are and helps out the most, being the most cooperative.

pardon me for being a little incoherent, firstly. in case you haven't read the time stamp, it's currently 3 am.

my boy was granted a curfew extension tonight, on the grounds of good behaviour and just for a treat. I gave him an extra half hour which he called to remind me of (right at his normal curfew, conveniently...haha). at 11:30 I was waiting for him to walk in the door. at 11:50 i wrote him a note saying i didn't appreciate that i was taken advantage of, and that there would be consequences for the choice he made. at 12:15 i made the consequence bigger than what i'd originally decided, as per parental instruction.

anyways, i left his bedroom light on so that i could check easily if he'd come home yet. if the light was still on it meant he was still gone.

2:30 rolls around and i'm waking up to change sleeping positions. his light is still on. i get up to add to the note that it's VERY late and that it means major consequences now. and i went back to bed.

less than a minute later, i fully realized what was happening. he was not home, and he was 3 hours late. 3 hours! that doesn't happen. that's not like him. the only two possible explanations were "i accidentally fell asleep" and "i got beat up and/or thrown over the bridge on my way home". i had to find out what was happening so i called the house he was at and was informed that he "should be home any minute"...but i couldn't tell if they knew, in fact, what time it was and how much time had passed since he'd left. so i hung up and got in the car and drove to the bridge, like a maniac. and not wearing shoes.

well i got back and threw a bit of a slamming door hissy fit when i saw him rolling in, walking fine and in one piece. he looked like he was either upset or hurt so i opted just for feeling guilty and went to bed. then the maternal instinct kicked in and i knew i couldn't live with myself if i let him go the entire night bleeding and beat up, because i hadn't looked at him yet (anger). so i got up and asked if he was bleeding. i wanted to know if he was bleeding. i was HOPING he was bleeding so that i could stop being mad at him. i didn't want to think that this really weird and fully trusting relationship we have had been broken.

i came back out and he said he felt really bad. for probably the third time. i told him i know and that there's no use dwelling on it tonight, and that we'll talk about it tomorow when i get home from work. in the meantime he has his extra chores and grounding to keep him busy all day and then we'll discuss it in the morning.

i realized that i didn't even need to be completely conscious to drive and look...because i was powered only by the panic that took over me when i thought that my boy could've been hurt and that i'd let it go for 3 hours without finding out. it's a scary thought and now i can't even get the adrenaline down enough to go back to sleep.

the good news is that he's alright and he's home. the bad news is that i have to be mad at him and give him consequences. ugh.

well, i'm gunna get a glass of juice and try to get back to bed. it might mean that lorelai and rory have to help me.

speaking of lorelai and rory...that's how i feel about the situation. egg baby and i have this strange kind of relationship where i always can count on him and i know he'll do the responsible thing in most cases. but then rory slept with dean and it made lorelai question who this strange new person is. that's how i felt tonight. who is this strange new person who doesn't hold to his word? it's like i'm trying to process the situation because it's so out of character.

anyways...that's my story for the night.
end scene.

i wish i had a wild horse; i could ride away
across the open prairie where you can see for miles
there'll be no second guessing when i get where i'm going
coz like a horse against the wind, my spirit won't be broken

the last line of that chorus has stood out in my mind for many, many...hours. for about a week now i've been listening to nothing but the higgins and their song wild horse doesn't apply much to my life in the sense that i am not raising my own siblings and whatever it talks about, but at times i hear that chorus and get a feeling of strength and courage. an illusion, perhaps. but at other times it's the first line that stands out and i just feel like i want to run away from myself and run away from all this confusion. i don't even know what i'm confused about. i just have this overwhelming sense of fear and worthlessness that i don't want to face anymore.

most of the time i'm really good at hiding it. only those who truly know me can sense whether i'm just having a quiet day or if there's something wrong. the ironic thing is that others can sometimes sense there's something wrong even when i don't feel it myself. i just honestly think i'm having a quiet day when all of a sudden i'm being asked a question that shouldn't be so hard to answer...and it sends me over the edge.

i'm prettymuch a spoiled brat. whenever i wanted anything growing up all i had to do was whine or cry about it and it would be done for me. i'm not saying my parents were bad because that's not it at all. i'm saying that i don't know how to do anything for myself. if i'm feeling this way, like i'm not making a difference and that i don't know what i want with my life, i don't know how to change it. i have no desire to. i'd rather someone else made my decisions for me and told me what to do to get out of this stupidity. i don't know how to do it but when i am challenged or confronted with it i just cry because it's the only thing i know how to do.

i wrote a post a while ago about a question asked of me regarding my friendships, and who "my friends are". it was a question that really upset me and made me feel like the friendships i do have aren't valid because these people aren't my age. yes i have some friends who are younger and i treat them like i would a sibling. yes i have some friends who are older than me and who i look up to as a big sister (with all the jealousy and adoration that comes with it sometimes), an aunt or even a mother. i feel like there are two parts of my personality represented in the friends i have. it's true, i have few friends who are my age (within decent driving distance). but i think that i hang out with youth a lot in order to remain young and fun; i never want to lose the desire unnecessary silliness. but there's a part of me that just wants to grow up and feel like an adult and i enjoy the company of people who can offer insight and maturity.

but the point i'm trying to actually get at is that i don't really hang out with anyone lately. i think the reason is because i'm trying to hide from my own reality. i engross myself in an alternate reality through dvds and music and technology so that i don't have to face the chaos in my mind and heart that i refuse to confront and just deal with. it's funny that i realize that there is a problem there at all, because i can't put my finger on exactly what it is. i just know that i hate feeling this way whenever someone gets brave enough to look me straight in the heart and pry the tears out of my eyes. then they refuse to go away until i fly back to my imaginary world with my imaginary friends who i know well but don't and will never know my name, let alone the fact that "i just got married and am turning 22 in just over a week", or "i'm a musical prodigy, writing most of the songs for my band at the astonishing age of 19". sorry if that got confusing. i know what i'm talking about.

i also think that i don't hang out with people my age because i don't want to compare myself to them. they're either going to school full time or they've landed themselves a career kind of job. whatever it is they're doing, they've committed. they've figured out what they want to do and gone for it. i can't decide what to make myself for a meal, so i end up hungry for 18 hours. i'm just always comparing myself to people and feeling like a total failure. not just in ministry, but in general life. i want to feel like i'm heading in the right direction.

no. i want to feel like i'm heading in a direction. i don't even care if it's the direction at this point. i'm just spinning around in circles looking every which way for some sort of sign. i'm sitting on my ass on the stage at church, waiting for the phone to ring. waiting for the call.

i've heard a little too much "so why bother finishing your BA?" lately. i'm trying to make a decision here and stick to it, and yet the one thing that i've been persevering on is the one thing that people are trying to tell me to quit. just because i may be realizing that i'm meant to be in a different profession, doesn't mean that i have to just give up. it's like having ADD...dedicating my life to something and then changing focus halfway through. i've done it too many times and i'm trying to stop that for once...and yet i keep getting the same question..."if you're thinking of going into something else, why finish what you're doing now?".

because i want to. is that so hard to believe? i want to have something finished and feel like i've actually accomplished something in my life. i want to be able to say "yes, it did take me a little longer than normal, but i did it".

maybe i just can't commit, long-term, to anything. maybe that's why i can't see myself married one day. or with a family of my own. or even a decent job. that requires actually making a decision and sticking to it for good. maybe i was meant to live the life of a musician, touring a new country and playing in a new city every month and never having the chance to get fed up with the place i'm at in life. but a musician has to commit to producing decent material so maybe i'm just meant to backpack the world, working only enough to get where i'm going next.

i know that this is a really long post and most of you haven't gotten to this point in it...and if you have, then i'm sorry you've been subjected to all this negativity. at one point in my life, way back when i started this blog, i had the desire to find a way to become a beautiful person. well i can officially admit that i'm currently failing at it.

but (hopefully) like a horse against the wind, my spirit won't be broken.

the sweet sounds of summer...

crazy week. up and down. then up and up and up.

i got fired last monday. it was on a technicality, really...kind of dumb but can't blame him at the same time. so i'm working a few days a week at the bank for the rest of the summer before i sort my life out. it was time for a change anyways...it just happened a little sooner than i'd already been hypothetically planning.

then i got a phonecall from mom saying that she got backstage passes to the canada day jam the next day...which is awesome because i wouldn't have been able to go had i still been employed! so i was kind of into it but not really until i got there and was getting autographs and hanging out.

then i discovered an amazing band that i've never heard of before - the higgins. they're a family band from bc who play sort of a mix of country and celtic rock and it's super awesome. their harmonies are absolutely solid and their stage presence is incredible! i ended up sort of tagging along with them a few times that day, getting a picture and some autographs, as well as being the photographer for everyone who wanted their pic taken with them...AND i was the only person smart enough to have brought a sharpie so everyone was borrowing MY marker to get their autographs so i spent more time with them than planned. i also bought their cd and have been listening to it nonstop all week.

upon returning home that night, i checked out their website and found out that they were set to play another 4 shows in ontario before heading back out west. so i made tentative plans to go along, but afraid that no one would come with me i invited like a dozen people only hoping that one would say yes. then i got a yes from 3 people, and my mom and her friend invited themselves, bringing along a swedish exchange student.

backtrack a few days though. wednesday and thursday i spent with nicki, keith and the boys. very awesome. very beautiful. brody looks more like nicki than jayden ever did and ever will. while jayden deceived everyone and then turned into a mini-keith, bro's totally going to be a spitting image of mom. he's beautiful. and HUGE. like 15 pounds at 2.5 months!

i worked at the caledonia cibc on friday, running into 3 of my former coworkers at pizza pizza. not fun. but the day went by quickly and i've gotta say that i thoroughly appreciate actually having the freedom to take a relaxing hour-long lunch and at least one (if not two) paid fifteens.

saturday was gilmore girls day. 4 whole discs of it, to be precise which turns out to be 16 episodes. except i watched the last one on the 5th disc today which means i only really watched 15 episodes yesterday. still, that's pretty intense. i finished the season this afternoon and am THOROUGHLY growing to dislike this show. what ever happened to happily ever after, for crying out loud?!

and speaking of frustration...i went looking for my pvc instruments today now that dad had a trailer for us to transport them back to the house. i went searching all through the church and heard that someone saw them outside, around the side of the building. now, i do recall suggesting that they be left outside so that i could pick them up IF no one was able to open the doors for me during non-church hours...and for someone to please contact me and let me know what would be most convenient for them.

no response. so i left it til today. and found that they had been sitting outside. exposed to the elements. for at least a week. a week. in rain and sun and blistering stupid heat all this morning. the heat melted the pvc glue and not only was i having to pull over and pick up several pieces that fell off and broke during the ride home, but i almost caused several accidents at the same time. i'm not at all impressed. it's going to take a good couple hundred bucks and about 5 hours of time just to get them back to how they were, let alone all of the pipes that we hadn't yet tuned. so that was when my week went back down.

but then there was tonight. i ended up having a big group of people who came with me to the higgins concert up near guelph and i was thoroughly excited to hear them, though i didn't know what the set up would be...how many people would be there? do they have a solid fan base in this area? how busy are horse races on a sunday evening? where would i be expected to sit/stand etc?). but it was a really nice, intimate setting with a tent and some picnic tables and it wasn't a huge crowd, which meant i would have plenty of opportunity to talk to them about playing at the fundraiser in a few weeks. so we chatted a bit (determined they'd be across the country and unable to come perform), did a few more pictures and just hung out for a good 20 mins or so at the end of the night. we joked about a camera and cellphone incident/joke that was created at the CDJ and eileen and john both determined that we're tight coz we "go way back (to almost a whole week ago!)". kathleen and i took an incredibly (and purposely) unflattering picture of the both of us on her camera and i'm hoping to get a copy of it from her if ever they get a chance to upload and email it to me. i found out the secret of how to get a hold of them to catch up and chat while they're on the road and after a couple of hugs from kathleen and handshakes with eileen and john, i turned and walked away from the people i wished were my friends...i might see them in september when they come to lindsay but that's almost 3 hours away.

oh who am i kidding? i totally know i'll be there. hehe...

anyways...like i said...up and down week. i forgot to mention that on monday i also had a phonecall from the bank concerning an extremely important financial matter that needed to get settled. more stress added to a stupid day.

but God used all the crap from that day and brought me a couple new music pals (i swear if we'd grown up together we'd have been great friends - they're so random and fun) and some perspective and the chance to turn an obstacle into an opportunity. all in all i feel pretty encouraged by this whole week...i got to relax a little and just have some quality time by myself, with friends old and new, and with Him.

i'll leave you with a few picture from tonight. yay!

from left to right in all pictures - john, eileen, and kathleen higgins