All weekend at the ladies retreat we were encouraged to write in our journals...I couldn't because I was always somehow stuck without a pen. Maybe it was meant to be that way because God had another purpose for me. But we were supposed to write in our journals...
Things like:
What is your image of God right now?
Tell him what you're feeling. Be honest.
Write down your experiences that have shaped you...good, bad, horrendous, joyful, ugly, beautiful.
Write out all of the labels that have been put onto you, both by yourself and by others.
Write a letter to you from Jesus. What/who does He say you are?
I'm going to write down a few of these things right now. Not all of them, but the things that are sort of swimming around in my brain and heart right now.
My image of God has sort of always been an abusive mother. I'm not at all saying that I ever had an abusive mother to relate Him to so please don't think that. I'm saying that I've seen and read enough horror stories of the perfect looking family who are so well liked and seemingly flawless. But behind closed doors, mom takes out her hidden rage on her daughter. The child doesn't know anything else but hurt and betrayal from the woman who should be caring for her. The woman who, to everyone else, seems to love and care for her daughter unconditionally. The woman whom this child should and DOES put her trust in, because she knows she's supposed to. And because she hopes that someday all of this will stop and mommy will get better and they will live happily ever after.
It's not unknown to many who know me well that I have trust issues. Sometimes I trust too quickly, other times I refuse to be vulnerable and build a wall around myself. And when I see someone who has put their trust in Him and dared to have faith knowing that He longs to give us the desires of our heart, it really does spark admiration and inspiration when I see that He is faithful to bless in return. And when I am terrified to walk in faith but do so anyways, things start to seem like they're falling into place. But then the blessing is torn away. Hearts are broken. Lives and dreams shattered. And I wonder why anyone ever bothers trusting Him if this is all that's going to keep happening?
When someone asks why bad things happen to good people it's so easy to give the cookie cutter Christianese answer. Unless that 'bad stuff' is happening to you or to someone you love. Then the "free will" crap just doesn't cut it anymore...neither the "God vs human-sized brain" theory nor the "grand plan" script.
When the girl leading worship found out that I'd brought my guitar, she asked me to join her on Saturday morning in leading worship. The first song we sang was "Blessed Be Your Name" and even though we ran through the song once just before the official session time started, I didn't really pay much attention the lyrics and wasn't prepared for the semi that was about to bowl me over during the bridge of the song.
"You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Blessed be Your name"
You know what? No. My heart will not choose to say that. Not right now. I do realize that I may need to refrain from walking under trees or wearing metal of any kind, but I'm being honest here. I stopped singing.
And jumping to this morning, I couldn't stand for worship. When I did, I felt similarly to a teen who is forced to do something that their mother says they should because it's rude not to...like "come say hi to your aunt Mabel" and the teen just ignores because they don't really know or care...but finally (after much nagging) comes out with hands in pocket saying "Hi." when really it seems like they're saying "Okay, you happy? I did what you asked. Can I go now?"
...but I couldn't bring myself to sing "I will bless the Lord forever. I will trust Him at all times........You are my shield, my strength..." etc when I REALLY felt like singing "You SHOULD be my shield. Where were you when I needed protection? You SHOULD be my strength but you've knocked me to the ground." and so on.
On a personal note, rather than spiritual...this is NOT how I wanted this internship to end. I was ready to do this while I knew that there was some joy involved. The only reason I stepped out in faith when I "knew better" was because "there was a reason for me being here at this time". And the reason in my head was that one of my best friends was going to be celebrating and starting her life as a mommy for the first time. Maybe when I did agree and say "okay Lord, use me however You need" I should have added "...but only if You, in return, make sure this dream becomes a reality."
Not that it would have made a difference. But I was so looking forward to having a part in carrying forward a great ministry program as my way of celebrating the start of a new family. Well that's not at all what God had in mind.
Speaking of which...here's what both amazes me and pisses me off.
Looking back on my life this past year, it's evident that God has been preparing me for this moment in life. I'm not at all trying to make this about me, but I can't say He's been preparing anyone else because I can really only speak for myself out of my own experience. Even an event as far back - and seemingly unrelated to the situation - as my previous small group falling apart has played a part in how He has prepared me for this very event. It does, on one hand, give me a sense of comfort knowing that He is still in control. But on the other hand, it is BECAUSE He IS in control and HE allowed this to happen is what makes me angry.
I recently read about a mindset labelled as spiritual masochism.
I truly believe now that I'm experiencing spiritual ambivalence.
I have witnessed an undeniable, powerful presence of God in my life that makes me stand in awe and really start to open myself up to the Spirit...but I've also witnessed the horrible results of what seems like betrayal from a Father who claims to love us and wants nothing more than to bless us.
Up until today, I've felt a deep and gut-wrenching sorrow. I've said all weekend that I'm angry but I think that I was only saying it because I felt like I SHOULD be angry. But no, I was not angry. I was still sad...and hurting for my friends who have blessed my life so abundantly.
Today, though. Today I'm angry. I've intentionally refused to stand for Him and refused to praise Him, for I feel today that He is not worthy of my love or respect.
"So are you saying that you pick Kerry over Me?"
Wow. Talk about having truth slapped into me when I'd least expect or accept it.
See what I mean?! I WANT to submit and surrender to Him because of what He's shown me in the past couple of weeks...
But does the loyalty I have for my friends outweight the loyalty I have for my Lord?
Damn.
