i wish i had a wild horse; i could ride away
across the open prairie where you can see for miles
there'll be no second guessing when i get where i'm going
coz like a horse against the wind, my spirit won't be broken

the last line of that chorus has stood out in my mind for many, many...hours. for about a week now i've been listening to nothing but the higgins and their song wild horse doesn't apply much to my life in the sense that i am not raising my own siblings and whatever it talks about, but at times i hear that chorus and get a feeling of strength and courage. an illusion, perhaps. but at other times it's the first line that stands out and i just feel like i want to run away from myself and run away from all this confusion. i don't even know what i'm confused about. i just have this overwhelming sense of fear and worthlessness that i don't want to face anymore.

most of the time i'm really good at hiding it. only those who truly know me can sense whether i'm just having a quiet day or if there's something wrong. the ironic thing is that others can sometimes sense there's something wrong even when i don't feel it myself. i just honestly think i'm having a quiet day when all of a sudden i'm being asked a question that shouldn't be so hard to answer...and it sends me over the edge.

i'm prettymuch a spoiled brat. whenever i wanted anything growing up all i had to do was whine or cry about it and it would be done for me. i'm not saying my parents were bad because that's not it at all. i'm saying that i don't know how to do anything for myself. if i'm feeling this way, like i'm not making a difference and that i don't know what i want with my life, i don't know how to change it. i have no desire to. i'd rather someone else made my decisions for me and told me what to do to get out of this stupidity. i don't know how to do it but when i am challenged or confronted with it i just cry because it's the only thing i know how to do.

i wrote a post a while ago about a question asked of me regarding my friendships, and who "my friends are". it was a question that really upset me and made me feel like the friendships i do have aren't valid because these people aren't my age. yes i have some friends who are younger and i treat them like i would a sibling. yes i have some friends who are older than me and who i look up to as a big sister (with all the jealousy and adoration that comes with it sometimes), an aunt or even a mother. i feel like there are two parts of my personality represented in the friends i have. it's true, i have few friends who are my age (within decent driving distance). but i think that i hang out with youth a lot in order to remain young and fun; i never want to lose the desire unnecessary silliness. but there's a part of me that just wants to grow up and feel like an adult and i enjoy the company of people who can offer insight and maturity.

but the point i'm trying to actually get at is that i don't really hang out with anyone lately. i think the reason is because i'm trying to hide from my own reality. i engross myself in an alternate reality through dvds and music and technology so that i don't have to face the chaos in my mind and heart that i refuse to confront and just deal with. it's funny that i realize that there is a problem there at all, because i can't put my finger on exactly what it is. i just know that i hate feeling this way whenever someone gets brave enough to look me straight in the heart and pry the tears out of my eyes. then they refuse to go away until i fly back to my imaginary world with my imaginary friends who i know well but don't and will never know my name, let alone the fact that "i just got married and am turning 22 in just over a week", or "i'm a musical prodigy, writing most of the songs for my band at the astonishing age of 19". sorry if that got confusing. i know what i'm talking about.

i also think that i don't hang out with people my age because i don't want to compare myself to them. they're either going to school full time or they've landed themselves a career kind of job. whatever it is they're doing, they've committed. they've figured out what they want to do and gone for it. i can't decide what to make myself for a meal, so i end up hungry for 18 hours. i'm just always comparing myself to people and feeling like a total failure. not just in ministry, but in general life. i want to feel like i'm heading in the right direction.

no. i want to feel like i'm heading in a direction. i don't even care if it's the direction at this point. i'm just spinning around in circles looking every which way for some sort of sign. i'm sitting on my ass on the stage at church, waiting for the phone to ring. waiting for the call.

i've heard a little too much "so why bother finishing your BA?" lately. i'm trying to make a decision here and stick to it, and yet the one thing that i've been persevering on is the one thing that people are trying to tell me to quit. just because i may be realizing that i'm meant to be in a different profession, doesn't mean that i have to just give up. it's like having ADD...dedicating my life to something and then changing focus halfway through. i've done it too many times and i'm trying to stop that for once...and yet i keep getting the same question..."if you're thinking of going into something else, why finish what you're doing now?".

because i want to. is that so hard to believe? i want to have something finished and feel like i've actually accomplished something in my life. i want to be able to say "yes, it did take me a little longer than normal, but i did it".

maybe i just can't commit, long-term, to anything. maybe that's why i can't see myself married one day. or with a family of my own. or even a decent job. that requires actually making a decision and sticking to it for good. maybe i was meant to live the life of a musician, touring a new country and playing in a new city every month and never having the chance to get fed up with the place i'm at in life. but a musician has to commit to producing decent material so maybe i'm just meant to backpack the world, working only enough to get where i'm going next.

i know that this is a really long post and most of you haven't gotten to this point in it...and if you have, then i'm sorry you've been subjected to all this negativity. at one point in my life, way back when i started this blog, i had the desire to find a way to become a beautiful person. well i can officially admit that i'm currently failing at it.

but (hopefully) like a horse against the wind, my spirit won't be broken.