it's easy for me to sit down with a kid or a teen and help them understand how much God loves them and has a purpose for them, no matter how un_______ or not _________ they feel. i help them to realize it, and i truly believe it for them. i even show that in my personal prayer life - i do pray for myself but not to any deep levels. i believe that in the lives of my friends and family, God is there and He is active and i truly believe that He will heal them, teach them, and fulfil the desires of their hearts. He's shown Himself to me in the answers to prayer for these people. but i don't see it in my own life. i pray for clarity, for peace, for a sense of significance, and for wisdom. i feel like i don't get it.
but i realized today that i don't feel that because i don't believe it for myself. sure, i pray these things but they're so cut-and-paste and wimpy, lacking in passion and in a way it makes me think that i'm not convincing God that i truly want those things. when i pray for healing for a hospitalized woman, i pray with fire and passion...and i see her get better and back on her feet in ways no one could ever imagine. when i pray for the hope of a miracle where hearts have been broken more than once, i pray with desperation and a longing plea...and one day, God says 'yes'.
i obviously don't take credit for these things - i know that there are many people who have been praying for such things in the lives of so many others and He has answered. and it's so encouraging and it makes me want to celebrate and jump for joy...but mostly it makes me cry (ha, what a surprise).
but the prayers i pray for myself are weak. i wonder if the reason i don't feel fulfilled is because i haven't actually expressed the true desires of my heart with the same fire, passion, and longing the way i have when praying for others.
perhaps i feel selfish by asking for my own satisfaction in life.
perhaps i don't feel like i deserve whatever it is i'd ask for.
perhaps i just don't know if i truly, honestly believe that He'd answer.
in any case, i'm kinda sick of feeling like i don't have a specific purpose in my life that's been made clear for me. i don't necessarily feel or experience God's love the way that i should or want to.
but is it because He isn't dishing it? or is it more because i'm not allowing myself the opportunity to let Him in?
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