changes. closure?

even in the last five minutes i've noticed more 'stella' things. so for my own sanity's sake, i'm going to list all of the things that she's known for in the house...things that can "go back to normal", but they don't feel anything close to normal.

- ice cubes flying out of the spastic fridge (i lied in the last post - THESE were her favourite treat)...they've gotta just go in the sink before they melt and damage the floor (or someone walking by)
- fern's food dish...it can go on the floor now
- dinner time...fern doesn't have anyone to compete with for table treats...and forget accidentally dropping a veggie...she'll only eat meat.
- night time walking...we don't have to strain in the dark to make sure we don't step on her.
- general sleep quality...eventually, dad and mom won't hear her barking every couple of hours for attention or a trip outside. i never did hear her, but now they'll have the chance to get a full night's sleep
- the bathroom garbage can...used to be hidden behind the toilet paper basket so she couldn't get into it to munch on gross things
- the toilet seat...with bleach in the reservoir, we had to keep the lid shut, since she was always trying to drink out of it (hey, it's a colder water source than her bowl)...i left it open this time.
- things that i should clean and put/give away today: food and water dish, tennis balls, the entire recycling bin of her toys, the bin of food we just bought, the food measuring cup that dad never paid attention to, her lead on the back porch...we haven't had a proper 3/4 measuring cup for years, come to think of it

dad and mike left about 15 minutes ago. i just wanted to beg mike to stay with me. he needed me to be strong and stay with him last night...well today i need him. but i couldn't bring myself to ask him to stay when he just wanted to try to get back to normal life. i sat in the doorway and sobbed, finally letting it completely out for the first time...

i almost want to just go into work to try to distract myself...just to not be alone...but i'll be a total mess and i can't do that to everyone at the church.

if there's one thing i can be sure of right now...it's that i will look back on 2008 as a year of many ups and downs. there have been so many great things, but a couple major crappy ones and i'd like to say it's balanced out right now...but i hate the ambivalence in my heart right now.

i want to be happy and relaxed and feeling like we made the right decision...but i hate that i was there to convince mom that signing those death papers was the best choice for her. i hate that i feel like i tricked her into ignorance with treats while her life was being taken away. i hate that she was having such a good day when we decided she should just go quietly. i feel better that she walked into that room on her own than having to be carried, but it makes me doubt that we did the right thing, despite the doctor's reassurance.

why do i feel singlehandedly responsible for my family's misery today?

i can't take this.