so i can't sleep tonight. but this time it's been by choice. we've just gotten hooked up to highspeed (oh thank goodness) and i've been spending the day doing all the stuff that takes hours to do on dial up...uploading videos, checking out pictures, visiting multiple websites at once, watching movies and tv shows online, setting my webcam back up (!)...and then i started looking at all my old pictures, trying to find fun videos for facebook.
i came across a few gems from years ago at a death by chocolate party with the girls...and then got into the NZ pics. the youth center reno, the scenery, the friends, the farm (with psychotic chickens and ponies, as some may remember)...and my kids (oh how my heart breaks at this moment). as i was looking at the pics, one of them came online and i chatted with him for a bit, talking about how i miss them and making plans to ring them friday evening (saturday morning for them - i hope i don't forget). and then when i was about to finally go to bed at 12:15, i felt the need to ring emily and her mum, fiona...fiona was a great support and encouragement to me and for that i'm so very grateful. emily even sounds different and i found out she's going to be 15 in a couple of months and that isn't something i enjoy hearing...i'm missing some of the most important times of these kids lives.
why does it always seem like it would have been easier if i'd just stayed in ontario? no regina, no calgary, no te anau...they say it's better to have loved and lost (my version...loved and left?) than to never have loved at all. at least not having loved at all brings the comfort of ignorant bliss, whereas the pain of loving and leaving (and perhaps some of the guilt that comes with it) doesn't quite go away.
when i hung up the phone tonight, not only did i feel even more awake than i had before (i had to really concentrate on their accents - i can't understand them as easily anymore. sad.), but i also felt a little more heartbroken. and my eyes are tearing up now, as they did when i pushed "end" only minutes ago. ugh.
i didn't ever expect myself to long to be back there as much as i do right now. to put on that silly movie and do the silly actions to that VERY silly song...to spend all night wishing i could tear my hair out, or at least give 18 hyper kids a good dose of sedative...to play pool on a small and crooked table with cues missing their tips...
at this very moment i would give almost anything to be back there, having tea with the wilson family and a milo before bed. and planning a day off for tomorrow (it would be monday tomorrow if i were there) of reading and animal planet. and anticipating my mcleod's daughters and desperate housewives date with bethany (hannah must be getting so big)...
ok now i'm just depressing myself.
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