you know when you've been totally proven wrong about something but for the sake of stubbornness, pride or anger you choose to still believe you're right or justified in whatever it is that you know you've lost the battle about?

kind of like how a teenager insists that they "did clean the bathroom" even after you've clearly inspected and noted that the towel heaped in the corner of the floor this morning is still in the same place and there's still toothpaste spit in the sink...

that's me right now. i may be able to see and know that God is still with us, that He prepared me and is still in control no matter how stupid it seems...but i'm still going to be mad at Him.

i know i'm wrong. i've seen His blessings even in the midst of all of the junk. it's like He's been showing up in more powerful and evident ways for me to notice and remember that He's still here. for lack of a better illustration it's like how bruce and evan were both given signs and gifts and were literally HANDED the tools they need to do God's work...but even though it was all there in front of them, they refused to give in and believe for a while.

i know i should be surrendering and submitting to whatever whacked out purpose He has for this time in life.

i'm just not ready for that yet.